My nanny got cosmetic surgery and can’t work

[Crispychillifriedbeef]

We live overseas and we have a full time nanny. She also does cleaning, laundry, cooking etc. This is normal for the culture here. Everyone has a housekeeper / nanny / driver. We pay her well and she’s part of the family, she’s been with us 18 months with no problems.

My husband works full time and I’m a writer and a part time student. We have a small child at school and a two year old who is at home but attends an educational setting part time. My husband and I go to lots of events so need evening cover.

Anyway, we have been in our home country for 3 weeks over Christmas and the nanny has had 3 weeks paid leave. She sends me a WhatsApp today saying “I’ve had cosmetic surgery done” with various photos. She is expecting to be off work for 3-4 weeks. We come back to the country tomorrow so we’re expecting to see her tomorrow.

AIBU to be annoyed? This was sprung on me at the last minute.

Huh? The OP has said that due to her husband's job they have to go to a lot of evening events for which they need childcare and so now is being questioned about why she even had children?

i will step in and do her job , I work as a teacher and can’t afford my bills let alone TWO cosmetic procedures ! She is NOT part of your family she is staff , well paid staff by the sounds of it !

while i do agree that it’s a lot to care for children full time (which this nanny isn’t doing anyway) and also do all the housekeeping, isn’t that a fairly standard expectation for SAHMs? and people are pretty condescending about how easy that is on MN.

Why so angry?

I lived in a country where slaves ‘nannies’ were the norm. Probably the same one you currently live in. What do you expect if you expect her to work three jobs in one?

I’m in a fb parenting group of the country I lived in and you see stories like this all the time. One was complaining the other day about her nanny who she paid a lucrative salary of £400 a month. Another complaining that her nanny stinks and asking if anyone else had experienced stinky nannies of the same nationality. 😳

Agreed.

Lots of things used to be the norm, didn’t make them right.

Not angry ...just despairing how ' hard a life' ( not ) some people have . Is this the worst thing to happen in their lives ...omg !!

I agree it’s not ok to spring the absence up with no notice, especially since it’s not for 1-2 days but weeks.
i also agree you should have more help as the full time Abby can get sick, can have a family emergency cry that takes a while etc. as a minimum you should have a part time help in addition or at least the contacts of a reliable agency that can get you staff quickly.

'My nanny wants to take 6 weeks holiday because she had cosmetic surgery' is not quite the same.
I'm not sure many slaves are getting their upper bleph done...

I guarantee nursery nurses work harder, in less pleasant conditions and for much less pay than the average nanny-housekeeper.

I’m a bit baffled by what people expect OP to do - not work and be a sahm if the only other option in the country she is in is a nanny?

i know lots of people in the uk who can’t use nurseries etc because of the odd hours they work (hospital paediatrician for example - she had a nanny for nights)

being a nanny housekeeper is doing some of the job of a sahm but not all - do we not value the work that takes or do we consider it mindless drudgery that shouldn’t be outsourced? and why are we assuming OP pays very little?

a lot of people on this thread are projecting their own bias

Call a temp agency.

I was thinking this. Frequently on here posters say how easy SAHPs have it yet when a nanny is doing the same thing that's unreasonable?

She doesn't respect you or value her job OP. I'd muddle along now till you find someone else then sack her.

"The “nannies” there are really glorified maids and don’t have the capacity to think about their work ethic ans the effect on the employer due to their absence."

Have I read this correctly?!

Do you realize you are generalizing the mental capacity of all the nannies in Asia and the middle east? Really?? You think none of the women providing household help in those areas of the world could possibly have the intelligence to have a work ethic?

I am aghast that you so openly expressed your prejudice. Maybe rethink your ideas on class, race, and cultural differences, among other things.

OP, you need to take into consideration the cross-cultural communication issues that may be at play. Is the culture of the country you’re in direct or indirect? Is there a culture of deference to authority? It’s might be the case that she didn’t feel able to bring it up beforehand, the way we would expect someone to, and work out a mutually agreeable arrangement.

Short term, work out how to cover the next few weeks. Get the cousin in to do the housework and find someone else to cover evening babysitting.

Long term, think about whether you want to keep her on. If she does a good job normally and your kids like her, that is valuable and can be hard to replace. If you do keep her on, have a chat about next time she needs time off. Take cues from the local culture in how to deliver the message, but let her know you need advance warning of any planned surgery or other planned time off.

Oh how these threads quickly derail! Back to the question asked. No YANBU. This is not sick leave as she wasn’t sick so should have been treated as planned leave ideally around the 3 weeks you’ve just been away but definitely giving you notice.

In reality there is not much you can do now but muddle through and have a stern chat on their return making it clear that you require x time notice for leave requests. Is that not in the contract?

I say this as a former nanny working in similar situation, she is completely and utterly unreasonable. People may be rolling their eyes at your situation, but that doesn’t mean than it’s okay for an employee to say, at the very last minute, that they’re taking several weeks off for something that isn’t a necessary medical emergency (or other form of emergency). She should have arranged this elective eye lift (obviously assuming given your post there’s no actual medical need for it) for the beginning of her leave, or arranged the time off, with adequate notice another time.

Why has this thread got derailed into the OP having paid help or who funds it etc? I some parts of the world, it is normal to have house help and lives are more comfortable than for most people in the UK.
This actually means you can spend more wuality time with your children without the drudgery.

Jealous much?

OP you are nor being unreasonable to be annoyed.

However, you will likely cope.

You should have a word with your maid about her work ethic and your expectations.

OP, could the Norland Agency help you? They do temporary cover as well as permanent positions.

https://www.norland.ac.uk/employing-a-norland-nanny/employ-a-nanny/#temporary

A lot of responders are just projecting their own jealousy or inability to understand how different cultures work.
It is about the situation, not whether the OP should have a nanny, cleaner, driver etc.

She should have asked for leave, not just sprung it on you. She is not 'sick' and therefore should not be entitled to sick leave.
She should be made aware of this.
What you do is up to how much you like her and how well she usually does her job.

If I did that at work, they might well put me on notice, unpaid leave or fire me! Calling her a member of the family is a red herring. She is an employee who has now left you without cover for weeks. You would be within your rights to give her notice.

Interesting as on other posts another poster was being told she had to go to diplomatic functions! And that was part of the job!

It’s true that my presence is expected at a lot of events. If you hadn’t lived the diplomatic life then you wouldn’t know.

This is a forum called AIBU. I’m not despairing how hard my life. People can post any AIBU they want.

He laughed at first like he didn’t believe it and now he’s like “okay this is not ideal.”

That’s….really not a thing where I live. Crime is very low - much lower than UK. Punishments are severe. Police everywhere.

You won’t get mugged. You can leave your laptop and phone on a table if you are in a cafe and go to the loo. I have never felt scared walking around at night.