My nanny got cosmetic surgery and can’t work

[Crispychillifriedbeef]

We live overseas and we have a full time nanny. She also does cleaning, laundry, cooking etc. This is normal for the culture here. Everyone has a housekeeper / nanny / driver. We pay her well and she’s part of the family, she’s been with us 18 months with no problems.

My husband works full time and I’m a writer and a part time student. We have a small child at school and a two year old who is at home but attends an educational setting part time. My husband and I go to lots of events so need evening cover.

Anyway, we have been in our home country for 3 weeks over Christmas and the nanny has had 3 weeks paid leave. She sends me a WhatsApp today saying “I’ve had cosmetic surgery done” with various photos. She is expecting to be off work for 3-4 weeks. We come back to the country tomorrow so we’re expecting to see her tomorrow.

AIBU to be annoyed? This was sprung on me at the last minute.

They don't

No she didn’t and our children were there for early years education a couple of mornings or afternoons a week - not to be baby sat.

Definitely not Dubai, a national wouldn't be working as a nanny for expats in a million years.
I'd guess somewhere like Thailand.

But they were being baby sat weren't they? They didn't care for themselves.
Regardless of whether you needed childcare or not you still used it.

It's still childcare if they're 3, and you still used childcare enough though you didn't need to. You're no different to anyone else using nursery.

I was an expat child, my father was in the diplomatic service and I moved country every 3 years. What the OP describes is very much the norm across the diplomatic corps from all the countries I've encountered.

A diplomat's wife is expected to represent her country at various functions, to build relationships with people from other countries represented at events as well as the host nation. These relationships frequently improve the diplomat's profile, which aids in sparking the first steps to create (business) opportunities between countries (which is what most diplomats spend most of their time doing). This is just one aspect of how a diplomat's spouse works informally for their home country when serving abroad. I expect most if not all the people who are swiping at the OP have just never encountered this sort of working life. OP, I hope you're not taking the aggressive responses to heart, it's borne of ignorance.

It is completely irrelevant what her job role is or whether or not you think her job is essential or not. There are thousands of “non essential jobs”. The point is she is employed and has a contract with the OP and she has failed to fulfil her end of the deal.

It's amazing how diplomats are seen as harsh slave drivers paying a pittance and being served by minions as if they were royalty. Unless you've done it, you can't imagine. I did it for 25 years in 9 different countries. Even my own family presumed it was all sequins and caviar !

As OP has said, it is totally normal for a diplomatic family to employ local house staff. It's not a perk of the job, it's something expected. The whole system is unheard of in Europe these days. It's more like Downton Abbey but actually with less staff! We adults dressed ourselves!

Thanks to nannies, I brought up 4 kids from ages 3 months through 18yrs in Africa and Asia. When I started, my first son was 3 months old. He had a live-in daytime nanny Mon/ Saturday and a night nanny. They knew more about babies than I ever did. I also had a housekeeper, a cook and kitchen boy, a sweeper, a laundry lady, a seamstress, 2 gardeners, 2 drivers and 3 armed security guards. After I had son No. 2, I had an extra 3rd nanny who shared the daytime work. They usually all got on well but in case of friction, came to ask for help. Similarly, though I was only 30 they came to me to help with all kinds of things particularly the women with family problems.

It all sounds like the life of Riley but it was a bit more complex. The largest staff we ever had was 18 people and I could and did cover all their wages with my pay as a half time English teacher. There was a trickle down effect too. My staff had their own staff at home who also had their staff at home. Obviously on a much smaller scale but their salaries were sufficient for them to do that. It was like that in every country we worked in. We once did some calculations with them and established that their salaries were in fact looking after almost a hundred people, young and old. Over and above salaries, we paid all medical expenses and contributed to the cost of weddings, funerals and celebrations.

I apologise for being so long-winded but I just want to add a bit of context.

I could be accused of not being 'there' for my kids as much as I could have been but when you aren't the one cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and all the normal housewifey things, you have much more time on your hands to be Mum.

We had evening events in Embassies and such every couple of weeks but it was usually only an hour or 2 hours so when the kids were little they were asleep and when they were teens, they were delighted to have us out of the way!

It wasn’t child care.

This sounds like either guilt or you don’t value what pre school
education used to be.

All the ex pats talking about their help , we had to live overseas as a family with 3 small children ( husband’s work ) for a few years .
Possibly because of the country we were sent to , we had no help whatsoever and even had to find our own rental property while stuck in a very small temporary apartment .
Eventually after a few months we found a couple to come and help with a bit of cleaning once every 2 weeks by asking around the local mums , the pair of them came for 2 hours to help in a large house .
We had to use a babysitting agency , we asked around and no one was about to give us their babysitter details.
So we rarely went out in the evening, only when we needed to for a work function.
No childcare , found the youngest a one day per week nursery school placement after a few months once she turned 3 , then they had another day free ( short days same as school)

🤣🤣🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
2.5 hours some mornings

🤣🤣🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
judgemental as fuck!

I've lived in Hong Kong and other Asian countries and seen how domestic workers are treated by the expats and wealthy Asians who employ them. Serving the family 24/7 and having to have secret relationships like teenagers, having sex/intimacy in tents on the street on their rare days off, because there is nowhere else for them to go and have a private moment. There's a big backstreet abortion industry because these women cannot usually risk the financial consequences of having their own children. There is also a lot of evidence that these people are often trafficked from e.g. the Philippines for this kind of work. So not 'basically the same' but yes equally exploitative. And that's before we get to the impact on the kids of having a servant carry out their basic care day-to-day.

For diplomats - not people in the diplomatic service - in my experience, that's simply not true. As part of the package and to facilitate the role of a diplomat in carrying out diplomatic functions and hospitality and residence, accommodation is provided together with a driver, housekeeper/cleaner and chef.

You shouldn't feel ashamed of using childcare for your young children, most parents do.
Good childcare has lots of benefits for children including early education.
Of course the nursery staff probably weren't paid enough to afford cosmetic surgery...

Assuming Christmas etc is celebrated and/or constitutes a public holiday in 'outing' not discloses country in which OP lives

Except:

1. the nanny/housekeeper/odd jobs woman isn't demanding sick pay, from what the OP has said
2. I haven't seen such vehement language on Mumsnet in relation to childminders (bitch, trash her etc)
3. posters are reacting to what they perceive to be the immense privilege of the OP and her husband and the knowledge that in some countries, domestic servants are treated very badly

I wasn’t ashamed as I didn’t do it.

Different country, different culture, domestic worker/servant. Rightly or wrongly, it's standard in many countries.

Because it's 'outing'

I'm guessing Asia

Well it would be, to be fair. She would be very easily identifiable if she told us where she was, and as the wife of a diplomat, she's not able to put a foot wrong, with regard to social media and privacy.

The nanny lives in her own house. She has teenagers. She works 40 hours per week and any overtime is paid. This is the same situation for my friends here. They are citizens of this country and not being trafficked.

I don’t owe random strangers on the internet specifics of my life.