I’ve decided to wake up and realise that looks do matter in society, and I’m going to use that to my advantage

[PhoenixRisingHigher]

I was young, slim, dark haired, & reasonably attractive, it was all I had ever known so I thought how I was treated was normal life for everyone.
naturally out going too so that helped open a lot of doors

I then got ill, overweight, & went through serious bereavement , & gave up on looks entirely after grief & other troubles

hajned a stone around the covid era. I looked like a slob, & became not just invisible, but people treated me like I had a low IQ, I was a complete zero. I have in the last year lost the weight, fixed my hair, & started wearing nice clothes again, & instantly I am treated with respect & that my opinion matters.
for example people will smile at me and open door for me and basically treat me nicely

what shocked me was I’m basically the same person inside regardless of how I look
yet people really go treat you so differently

I don't blame society for this, its nature, but I absolutely without doubt understand how much beauty DOES matter, maybe not all the time in every circumstance, but for existing in society, it is important, & its part of getting ahead, investing in looks is just as important as investing in your career & your home.

I don't mind that I was ignored at my worse, quite frankly I am greatful I was ignored in that state because I hated how I looked & I wanted to be invisible, so it served a purpose. But however moral
someone wishes to be, looks do matter as a social species.

so now I’m gonna have to up my game and use it to my advantage
which I also find kinda sad too

but guess it is what it is

I find a work / intellectual/ community interest gives me purpose and takes me out of my own head. Have you something like that?

The attention that good looking people can be fake attention though, and not necessarily safe. I don't want to impress them by presenting an image. People I know who are.consumed with their image can be very shallow, weak minded and don't tend to emotionally grow...imo. I guess they're too focused on the external.

It sounds like it's more about how you feel tbh. Because looks genuinely don't matter, and anyone who treated you badly because you gained a small amount of weight was always an arsehole. Why would you want to please them?

I mean, you’re talking about strangers here, not people who matter to you. People who literally take you at face value. And it sounds like you were going through a very difficult time and not respecting yourself.

It helps people respect you if you’re tidy and appropriately presentable, yes. And it’s fairly well known that good looking people tend to get treated better, sometimes.

But that’s not the same as saying you need to be attractive to be happy, or succeed. And it really depends on what you mean by attractive. For example, there’s a heavily groomed, posh black sportswear look that many people would say is attractive but which I find awful - for men and women.

Just live your life in the way you want to, that means you’re happy and healthy, and have the courage of your convictions.

Yes very lucky in that regard

Depends on what you’re expecting from these crude people. Validation? Fuck them, look better for yourself not for shallow minded people.
btw I’ve never not held a door open or smiled at a person because they were overweight or a bit sloppy.

im
not talking about being obsessed with it
that’s going to far
im
I’m just saying im making sure i make the best of myself now
No scruffy clothes
no being a stone overweight
no ragged nails
hair done
well dressed etc

I'm not sure it is all down to looks. I think someone who feels confident radiates it and draws more attention and respect. People often feel more confident when they are happy with how they look. I've met women who really stand out and are successful who aren't conventionally attractive but you notice them when they enter a room as they walk and speak with confidence.

Yes my friends and family stuck with me through the hardest of times

i don’t mean them I mean. Society
people that you bump into on a daily basis like in the shop etc
and just in life in general
they will judge you on looks

I don't think it's so much about doors being held open or smiling at people but other people's perception of you. I think there is a general feeling that overweight = not particularly intelligent, but equally identikit pouts , eyelashes, posing with one foot in the air behind you for a selfie also = not particularly intelligent
Something in the middle seems to be ideal.

Trust me it’s 100percent a thing
you go out in town next time you do, don’t do your hair, wear scruffy clothes etc and you will see people do great your differently

even reading up on this
attractive people
get hired more
get paid more
are seen are more intelligent
more capable
are less likely to go to prison even

yes I’m not talking about fake eyelashes and fake nails and fake tan

I’m talking well groomed
cc cream
pop of blush or bronzer
lip oil or balm
mascara
well manicured but natural nails

Yes doing it for yourself
is all part of it

do it for you

What is this posh black sportswear that you speak of ?

I am a fatty .. I’ve lost 5.5 stones on the jabs over the last year .. I’m still fat, with plenty more to lose.

I’ve not found myself invisible at either weight, I have a great (Senior) job in the Civil Service, I’m listened to, and respected. I have great friends, and family, and DH. I’ve never been short of attention on a night out. Never felt invisible, I get lots of invites, Christmas was a whirlwind.

I’ve always had great confidence in myself, which is what I believe people respond to .. you have to like yourself in the first instance.

You seem to be confusing beauty/attractiveness with being neat and well dressed. They are not the same thing. So it's hard to agree or disagree with you because you are conflating two completely separate qualities.

I guess that’s true. But all people are different and may judge differently! This isn’t necessarily to my credit, but I think I tend to be more judgemental over groomed people than under groomed people.

Also you say you’re a stone overweight - but that’s nothing! I’m a stone overweight since I had DD 14 months ago and my trousers are a bit tight but it’s not the end of the world.

Ofc you should make the best of all your assets. That’s common sense.

Looks fade though so make sure you harness your intellect

But what advantage? Over whom? There will aways, always be someone younger with better hair, clothes, bone structure, figure etc. and always be someone 'worse.'

You or anyone shouldn't be social grading people due to looks. That's what you hated when you felt it was happening to you. Treat people how you wish to be treated, no matter their appearance.

Are you intending on going into modelling? Acting? Or do you think there are other professions where good looks will get you advantages over hard work, intellect and ability to learn?

You say you were the same person, but you weren’t. Bereavement and other issues affects you. You can lose confidence, feel depressed, etc. All these things affect the way others see you, it’s not just looks. I also think you’re conflating two different issues too, good looking and being neat and tidy don’t go hand in hand. Some of the most attractive people I know definitely don’t fit in your narrow version of neat and tidy.

Agree with this. Dont put all your eggs in one basket.

That said, life is a game and being attractive does get you ahead so bloody use it! I have always used my looks to my advantage because well, why wouldn't I? life is hard enough as it is so use what you have.

Do you think it might be how you feel rather than your appearance that changes your perception of how people treat you?
if you are feeling under confident, overweight and not at your best, then you shrink into your shell and consequently people don’t notice you.
If you are feeling attractive, you like the clothes you are wearing and feel well groomed, you give off more confident vibes and engage more positively?

what shocked me was I’m basically the same person inside regardless of how I look yet people really go treat you so differently

I say this with kindness, but you were not the same person in side. One was full of grief, self loathing, probably a touch of depression, and didn’t care. The other sounds more confident and happier. Whilst I do not dismiss that people treat you better when you look nice, it’s probably also the happy vibes you now give off

I’ve lost 3 stone this year and I totally agree. I’m sure partly it’s that I feel like myself again and project a better outward vibe. I can dress well again and anything I try on in a shop looks good. Before it was just baggy dresses in black. People let you cross the road, open doors and smile. Women as much as men. It’s a totally different experience the role is smiling at you and it makes me feel rather sad for the fat me.

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