I’ve decided to wake up and realise that looks do matter in society, and I’m going to use that to my advantage

[PhoenixRisingHigher]

I was young, slim, dark haired, & reasonably attractive, it was all I had ever known so I thought how I was treated was normal life for everyone.
naturally out going too so that helped open a lot of doors

I then got ill, overweight, & went through serious bereavement , & gave up on looks entirely after grief & other troubles

hajned a stone around the covid era. I looked like a slob, & became not just invisible, but people treated me like I had a low IQ, I was a complete zero. I have in the last year lost the weight, fixed my hair, & started wearing nice clothes again, & instantly I am treated with respect & that my opinion matters.
for example people will smile at me and open door for me and basically treat me nicely

what shocked me was I’m basically the same person inside regardless of how I look
yet people really go treat you so differently

I don't blame society for this, its nature, but I absolutely without doubt understand how much beauty DOES matter, maybe not all the time in every circumstance, but for existing in society, it is important, & its part of getting ahead, investing in looks is just as important as investing in your career & your home.

I don't mind that I was ignored at my worse, quite frankly I am greatful I was ignored in that state because I hated how I looked & I wanted to be invisible, so it served a purpose. But however moral
someone wishes to be, looks do matter as a social species.

so now I’m gonna have to up my game and use it to my advantage
which I also find kinda sad too

but guess it is what it is

I also know that everyone will say, 'it wouldn't make a difference to the police.' Projecting looking like an upright citizen is one of the oldest tricks in the book for defendants!

However much we might hate to admit it, this does make a difference to how others see us, especially in the workplace.

And the same goes for smartly dressed men too.

I mean, Boris Johnson exists? Personally I agree to be honest. I bought a fake fur coat and I get treated like royalty in it, even though it was forty quid out of Stradivarius.

Yep, I was obese my whole life from primary school. Literally treated like dirt, people (9/10 times men) I don’t know shouting insults at me as they pass me by in the street or out their van window, ignored, passed over for promotio, bullied relentlessly in school.

Now I’m slim, a size 10 and people are nice to me. I resent it, I actually hate people, especially the ones who were horrible to me 18 months ago and are nice to me now.

Looks matter and anyone who tries to say they don’t is living in a fantasy land.

You’re right OP. I think it’s human nature. The more you appear to care about how you look, the more other people will care (in a superficial “customer services” sense). Of course our true friends love us for who we are, but random contacts will be more positive if we look good.

I imagine the majority of us have walked past homeless people, sitting on the pavement muttering “can you spare some change”. But if you were at a parking meter that took cash, and a polite smart well-dressed person said “I’m terribly sorry but I’m 10p short for my parking, you don’t happen to have a spare 10p coin you could give me do you?” I doubt any of us would simply look away and walk off. It’s socially acceptable to ignore a scruffy homeless person, but rude to ignore someone smart. These are extremes of course, but I think they illustrate the concept.

Yep, clothes and appearance are a language. I've been very overweight and dressed any old how at the time. I lost all the weight and spruced up sartorially. The difference in the way people treated me was night and day, truly astonishing, not just strangers but people I'd known a long time too. Clothes and appearance are visual signifiers of how you respect yourself, authority you may hold (uniforms). Its the reason people dress differently if they are being sentanced in court or going for an interview. It can indicate vanity. Should it matter?.... in an ideal world no, but it does. Understand it.

I've lost weight recently- yep, it matters.

Ive let myself go lately and my confidence is rock bottom. I find it does affect how I am at work. When im eating well, losing weight and making more of an effort im more confident in myself and that projects and it affects how people treat me.

Oh god I couldn't care less what randoms think about me. I have no interest in dressing up to impress randoms, I'm not going to dye my hair, wear make up or get my nails done to please other people. I've got to an age where I'm happy and confident enough to wear what I like and people are free to judge me any which way they like.

I think the way you're treated is as much about confidence as anything else though. I've always been slim though so maybe that makes a difference.

This. Op you do you. I have never been pretty, let alone beautiful, or thin. Have always had a good job and friends. My job in the NHS included making presentations and public speaking and I was successful and respected. never had a manicure in my life and my hair has always been cut so I can style it myself without effort. I have never ever worn makeup, always dressed to please myself unless I was in my uniformed role. If changing your looks makes you feel better, more confident in yourself then that's fine, but never think that your outer looks are you or that you can rely on them to help you. Accident or illness can change them in the blink of an eye.

It’s a look where everything is black sportswear (but they are not going to do a sport) and looks very new. For a woman, black leggings, with clean trainers (ON or similar), lots of makeup and a long puffer jacket. For a man, it’s similar sportswear and maybe a shiny Moncler puffer and flash trainers (with big soles!!), and very recently cut hair. I’m not sure what the look is called but I see it everywhere!

On your other points, I understand what you mean but I don’t think women need makeup to look presentable. I often go without makeup and everyone is very nice to me! And I’m not the looker I was in my twenties anymore! 😂

Personally, I think taking pride in your appearance is part of looking after yourself. If you care how you look, you’ll think more about what you put in your body and what you subject yourself to.
And much as people hate it, they instinctively gravitate towards and are impressed by how people look. It carries power.
I say go for it!!!!

Looks definitely matter (source - was ugly child and teen, normal looking adult).

Unfortunately we all get ugly by socialised standards so you need to work on coping with that rather than believing you can be attractive forever.

Absolutely. If I smile more people in general are nicer to me. It’s a fact. My conclusion is people are shallow. Men and women

and I read somewhere little children prefer ‘good looking’ adults to look at. If you have lippy on and smile and chat to a small child they will engage with you.
I’ve tried it out and it’s true.

Same. I’m treated with respect because I act in a way that deserves it. I haven’t worn a “pop of blusher” in 40 years.

I have never in my life worn lipstick and get on fine with littlies. I agree about a pleasant expression....a smile, eye contact looking interested in the person....but you don't need to wear makeup or be thin or pretty to do any of those things.

ExtraOnions · Today 11:01
"I am a fatty .. I’ve lost 5.5 stones on the jabs over the last year .. I’m still fat, with plenty more to lose.
I’ve not found myself invisible at either weight, I have a great (Senior) job in the Civil Service, I’m listened to, and respected. I have great friends, and family, and DH. I’ve never been short of attention on a night out. Never felt invisible, I get lots of invites, Christmas was a whirlwind.
I’ve always had great confidence in myself, which is what I believe people respond to .. you have to like yourself in the first instance."

I agree with both of you. Its my experience too.

I'm much more envious of how you have this self-confidence than of someone very physically attractive. I know exactly the kind of person you mean.

I'm quite sociable and outgoing, so I'm sure other people wouldn't describe me as unconfident, but I do not have the kind of confidence you mean.

Tell us how you feel this way, please? I find people with that level of confidence fascinating (and enviable).

For what it's worth, I'm slim and conventionally attractive. Or at least I was until around 5 years ago, when I definitely started to look more middle aged. I don't feel this has any impact on how much confidence I do, or do not, have in myself. I note that some men do respond differently, but that's not terribly interesting or useful.

I'm really at a point in my life where I care much more how I feel about me than others do. I would like to feel the way you do.

I'd buy an instruction manual if you had one for sale.

I was definitely treated like I was dumb when I was really big. Being slim definitely means people treat you better.

If you smile more, you look more approachable and less likely to bite someone's head off and less likely to be having a bad day and so want to be left alone.

It's not that people are shallow, more that most people don't realise that the response we receive from others is more often than not one we have elicited by our behaviour and NVC.

That obviously doesn't apply to shitty people who are throwing out abuse at strangers etc but just in every day interactions.

If you feel confident in yourself, confident in the way you look, positive about yourself, your whole demeanour changes and you are far more likely to elicit a faburable response than if you look hard done by and like you'd rather be left alone.

As for children, some psychological studies have shown that babies respond more favourably to attractive faces but, as with all psychological studies, the limitations of the research are probably worth reading too.

All children will respond better to someone who is smiley and chatty egardless of whether they are wearing lipstick or not.

Like most adults.

I’ve never knowingly done my hair in my life (though my clothes tend to fit)
No overt disrespect, unemployment or prison time to report

Basically, people enjoy spending time with people who lift them up rather than bring them down.

If you are confident, smiley, approachable and chatty, you will always fare better socially than if yoo are closed off and look miserable regardless of size or looks.

People who lack confidence often reflect this in their appearance, approach and demeanour. They have already decided that they're not going to be liked and respected and so other people don't bother trying and gravitate to people who look less like hard work.

And I say that as an averagely attractive.size 12/14 woman whose confidence in myself fluctuates far more than my looks or weight ever have.

It's not just appearance, though.
In my case, I'm pretty much covered in tattoos, have wild hair, tend to wear 'vintage' sportswear, and I have always been ugly.
People judge me 'til I open my mouth: I'm still very well spoken and clearly intelligent, which may be at odds with my somewhat scruffy appearance.