My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

I get that you are mad, and it is your business in so far that he had a guest over doing something immoral in your house.
I think it's a bit outrageous, however,that you would go against your son. You need to keep your oar out and not meddle in your 28 year old son's business. Would you call his employer if he was pulling sickies because you disagreed with his behaviour?
By all means, advise him but don't put yourself in the middle of this.

It is non of your business ans i have no idea why you would think it is

I think it’s a bit different to his employer as I’m not expected to do a 40 minute drive with his employer in the car withholding potentially heartbreaking information that may change her decision as to if she even wants to go on holiday with him.
Whilst it’s not asking me to lie technically, it is asking me to lie by omission, and I feel morally conflicted about that.
I also don’t feel any sort of bond to his employer, but his girlfriend I have spend Christmas with and gone for lunch with so whilst I will always stand by my son, I will also hold him accountable for making horrible choices, even if he is an adult and especially if I’m pulled into those choices.

I would not be telling her anything but strongly encouraging him to admit it or break up with her. I do see it will be nigh on impossible for you to see her and act normal so he needs to take action.

Oh dear. I get you are shocked and disappointed that it's happened under your roof.....but he is a grown man. Its not for you to get involved in his personal relationships. He has to make his own choices and mistakes at this age. Leave him to it. You have shown you disapproved. Leave it at that!
Maybe this is a sign that his girlfriend isnt actually the one for him and he may actually not be that happy with her if he has gone else where for affection so to speak.

Other posters saying it's none of your business but there's so many threads where the exes mum knew he was cheating / cheated and everyone's said how horrible the MIL's are for not saying anything

This is AIBU OP, you'll have people saying your unreasonable for not saying and being saying your unreasonable for saying

If it was my DS I'd want to tell her if he didnt, but I'm not sure I'd actually be able to. But then again, I wouldn't feel comfortable spending time with her again with somthing so horrible hanging over me 😭

I voted YANBU for how you’re feeling, but you can’t tell her anything - it needs to come from your son.

For those saying I shouldn’t tell her if he doesn’t, what am I supposed to do if he simply never tells her? Just keep acting as though I don’t know something that could devastate her? Lie by omission every time I see her?
I don’t even know if I am capable of that. If he was so worried about her finding out that he didn’t want to tell her then he probably shouldn’t have cheated in the first place and certainly not in his parents home!

Oh dear what a dilemma

I think you need to speak to your son. They are not married, they don’t live together, how serious are they? What made him do this? He should decide though.

I'd have a chat with him and ask him why he has done it.....you may find he isnt happy with this girlfriend or having doubts. Their relationship may not be all it seems. He is your son at the end of the day....he should be your priority. There must be a good reason as to why he has done it. There could be more to it.....

There is never a good reason to cheat! If he isn’t happy then he should have broken up with her, I’m not suggesting that he needs to stay with her and I’d say after cheating he probably shouldn’t, but that is absolutely no excuse to cheat on someone. He’s a grown man he should have spoke to her and broke up with her if he wasn’t happy.

If it's the two-facedness knowing what your son did and withholding that from her is the biggest problem, then you have to remove yourself from that situation. Tell your son you can't pick her up/ see her anymore unless he comes clean and they work through it, but please don't tell her yourself.

Maybe he is building up to telling her....but hasnt had the opportunity to do so yet.....what with Christmas and then a holiday booked.....not really the right time.
I get where you are coming from....
But other then have a chat with him....I'd stay out of it.....and just remain polite with everyone. It's his life at the end of the day. He isnt married and there is no children involved.....Id stand back now.

@ErsBears I agree with this. He can find another way to get to the airport that doesn't put you in a position. But I'd also not be able to be around her going forward unless she knows the truth, so at some point he's going to need to tell her himself.

If my son did this I would absolutely feel the same as you.

If he has been waiting to break up with her then he could have waited to sleep with someone else?

I can’t believe people are actually making excuses for a grown man cheating on his girlfriend of two years! What happened to raising our sons to be men? Why are women so keen to give grown men ways out of their terrible choices.

Why have you started an AIBU for this, then are acting incredulous when people disagree with your stance? If you've already made your decision then just have some conviction and go through with it.

I feel for you @ErsBears, I would be very annoyed too.
He has made things awkward for you, especially if you have a relationship with his girlfriend. It is great that you are holding him accountable, and I agree that he definitely needs to own up to this, but the news should really come from him.
It is best that she find out now rather than later down the line when they are living together.
Wishing you a Happier New Year once he cleans up his mess x

I’m annoyed with the people who are saying maybe he has a good reason, maybe he was waiting to break up with her like that is ever a valid excuse to cheat on someone.

I won’t tell her, I’ll tell him we can’t drive him to the airport and I will not be around her until he has told her the full truth. What I will not do is pat him on the head and say “it’s okay son, I’m sure you had your reasons”.

Fair enough.

The thing is OP there is no excuse, but this is how relationships often end, it’s messy. I do think you need to speak to you son.

Good on you OP. Don't be a party to deceit. How awful that he wants to take her on holiday, where he no doubt expect to sleep with her, when she doesn't know he's cheated. I'd be ashamed of my son in this situation too!

I fully agree, there is never an excuse to cheat. If he isn’t happy, he should have spoke to her, if he was planning to break up with her, he should have waited to sleep with someone else, it’s not complicated.

Im extremely disappointed in him and I had hoped I raised him to be a better man than he is currently showing himself to be.

I have been surprised so many are acting like the girlfriend must be at fault. If it was any other thread they'd be saying block, delete, divorce, get your ducks in a row.

I understand to an extent because if it was my son I'd still want to try and believe he wasn't the bad one, but I cannot abide by cheating. And so blase, in his own mother's house.

I still think you shouldn't tell her yourself (at this point), but I would refuse to be in her company until you don't need to lie by omission so it forces his hand and he realises that it isn't some silly fun.

Yes it makes me extremely uncomfortable that he plans to sleep with her without telling her he’s slept with someone else. Even if he has used protection and uses protection with her that is still not giving her all the necessary information to make an informed decision as to if she wants to sleep with him, and the risk is still never 0.
I was cheated on myself as a young adult so I think this has struck a nerve.

I didn't even think of that. So I've changed my mind, he really does need to tell her before because it could put her at risk.