My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

I think it's great you are showing such solidarity with a woman who's been cheated on rather than protecting the perpetrator.

If he goes on holiday without telling her, he is depriving her of the right to informed consent if they have sex during that holiday.

You shouldn’t get directly involved in his relationship in this way

But in thus case OP knows & it was happening in her house.

Gosh, how do you know the girlfriend? Is she a friend of yours? Given that you apparently know what she thinks of the OP, that she's aware of her boyfriend's behaviour, and that she's already planned her exit speech, you must know her in real life.

I'd make damn well sure she knew.

He has behaved disgustingly.

Nicewoman, is your username meant to be ironic ? 🤣

OP I’m in absolute agreement with you. He’s under your roof and thinking he can just have a holiday with his GF after betraying her?

He needs to tell her what he’s done now. If she decides to forgive him, then that’s her choice. He’s probably cheated on her before too.

You sound like a strong and caring person. Caring about others is everyone’s responsibility. I don’t understand how people are saying you’re meant to stay quiet.

Whether he understands this or not, you’re doing the right thing for him too. Hopefully he’ll grow up and learn to respect women. If my son did this when he’s older I’d let him know I loved him, but I didn’t like his behaviour and I’m not going to protect him if he’s been unfaithful.

Pretend it wasn't your son, it was a woman you knew who you had welcomed into your home, holidayed with and were close to and it was a stranger who put her at risk. Is she trying to control the stranger by telling the woman?

He made it her business by bringing his girlfriend into his mum's life, then bringing a random woman to sleep with into his mum's house.

If your partner was doing this to you, you'd have a different opinion on people withholding that information.

Ha ha ha, middle-aged-mum-who-won’t-shut-up + suggestion-that-male-sexual-desires-shouldn’t-automatically-trump-all-else is a sure formula for bringing the testosterone-fueled ranters out of the woodwork (well, perhaps just one)! 👞👞👞🍆👑

It's pretty clear that there isn't some benign explanation like an mutually-agreed open relationship or polyamory as the son has (finally) admitted that he cheated, and agrees that the gf has a right to be told. The fact that it seems to be both planned and premeditated (using a dating service, inviting a stranger to parents' house when they're expected to be out late) AND that he initially lied when confronted AND that he's more upset about being discovered and challenged than about hurting his gf and compromising her health are all worrying signs that IF he hadn't been "caught" he'd have begun/continued a pattern of cheating and lying within an increasingly serious relationship.

It's possible that he intends to tell his gf but is waiting for a chance to do it face to face, which would normally be OK but in THIS case with a trip coming up so soon he should be telling her ASAP. And I definitely would not be driving them to the airport if I wasn't sure she was aware of the situation and still freely choosing to go away with him. Yes, he absolutely deserves his sexual privacy but the situation he has engineered here goes quite a bit beyond that and other considerations come into play. I'm pretty sure the OP didn't WANT this situation to deal with and would far prefer that he hadn't cheated in the first place -- but once you know, you know and there's no use pretending you don't.

Someone said op wants to be in control - cheats are the ones who struggle to lose control. By not telling their partner they are keeping control of the narrative and not allowing their partner to have agency while putting them at risk of STDs. That’s control. If they said ‘hey girlfriend I’m using dating sites and taking a woman to my mums to have sex while you are away’ then fair enough. She would be able to consent. But he’s retaining control of knowledge that may influence her decision to date him, spend time with him, have sex with him, move him into her unencumbered property.

Cheats have control issues. If not they would freely speak about what they are doing. They believe they deserve access to more knowledge and it’s okay to keep their partner in the dark - if it’s of benefit to the cheat. He’s shagging at his mums so his flatmates don’t tell his girlfriend. I am guessing from this that the son knows his girlfriend wouldn’t accept this behaviour. So he’s controlling the narrative. It’s also abusive behaviour.

His mum is just saying the curtain covering the deceit needs lifting and girlfriend can then understand the reality of their relationship and see the true character of the man she is about to go on holiday with.

Thats not the controlling behaviour on behalf of the op, just the son who may be annoyed he is about to lose control of the situation which he has managed to control so far.

Pretty sure it's a troll account if you read their latest posts. All about the 'foreign' gf being the problem 🙄They're looking for attention I think.

From a safety perspective, I don't think it was great that you chucked out a young woman in the middle of the night. She could have been none the wiser about your son's relationship status.

She lived 10 minutes away and he bought her cab, I did also prompt him to message and ensure she was home safe as he seemed annoyed at paying for the cab.

1. self righteous smug people get right up my nose.
2. what makes you think the foreign gf hasn’t already sussed that the bf is a cheater & is only with your son for the money? All women are very Wiley.
3. foreign gf is going back home to cheat on your son with her childhood sweetheart Juan whilst playing the innocent gf.
4. foreign gf or her friends have told her to dump him after Christmas.
5. son’s friends have accidentally blurted that he cheated on gf & foreign gf is choosing the right time to dump him, like after Valentines after he’s bought her expensive jewellery, presents, and minibreak holidays.

incidentally, the son’s gf probably doesn’t have a flattering opinion of you either before you start dreaming of buying wedding dresses & weddings in Tuscany. Foreign gf is wise to her flirty bf and has already planned her exit speech.

@Nicewoman what makes you think the gf (who is incidentally foreign) has done any of those things? OP obviously doesn't and seems to like and respect her. And she's the only one on here who knows her.

The son has put OP and her OH in a very awkward position and IMO been disrespectful bringing a stranger into their home to use as a shag pad.

Gosh, what a load of old tosh.

1. You seem pretty self-righteous and smug on this thread yourself.
2. What makes you think she has? You're making things up.
3. More made up nonsense.
4. More made up nonsense.
5. And yet again, more utterly unfounded, made up nonsense.

So your son has trashed his fidelity and loyalty to his long-time girlfriend and did so in your home.

@ErsBears, it is crucial and imperative that she be informed before the trip. He has abused her trust, stolen her agency/consent, and will be risking her health, as condoms do not protect against all STDs. I would not sit by and allow this mistreatment of her while he dupes and keeps her blind to the truth.

You (understandably) feel that you must exclude yourself from their company, so you will never know for sure if he has informed her. As he is a cavalier cheat who isn’t remorseful, it’s doubtful that he will ever come clean. In your shoes I would tell her. Her emotional well-being and sexual health/fertility are in jeopardy.

You should make him break up with her and if he won't, tell her yourself. He's planning to go on holiday with her and have sex with her, having just had sex with someone else. That is wrong on so many levels, not least he is taking risks with her health.

This is part of the set-up when you live at home. Your parents are involved in your life. I honestly thought you were going to say that he was 17.

Who cares if he's an adult - you're privy to this information and it's utterly wrong, morally, for her not to be told.

Your son is completely in the wrong, and for that reason I would make sure that she is told, either by him or you,

How dare he think that he can have sex with one woman and then take another on holiday for lots more sex!

I would be deeply disappointed if I were you, and some strong conversations would be in order about how wrong it is to hurt and betray someone this way. I don't care that he's an adult, you'd be saying the same thing if he was your brother.

Ok, my final answer is: (apologies for the brutal words before)

1. you tell your son that cheating is unacceptable & causes relationship breakdowns, that you and his father don’t want to be put in a position of lying to the gf especially as you know about it and it happened under your roof.
2. tell your son it isn’t acceptable to bring home random women to your home as they might steal your jewellery box, steal money out your husbands wallet etc.
3. tell your son to get checked out at the STD clinic as if he passes on a STD to his gf she will instantly dump him and sleeping around is putting his and his gf’s fertility and health at risk.
4. tell him he has to arrange a taxi for his holiday as you can’t be party to deceit. And tell him deceit ruins lives. You get angry brothers who attack men who humiliate their sisters, etc. or if he carries on like this when married, he’ll be taken to the cleaners & left penniless & wont see his kids again.
5. actions have consequences
6. never ever tell the gf. It’s absolutely none of your business. It’s for your son to have that conversation. And besides, he could prefer the girl he brought home.

I mostly agree with you op. Someone is never too old for a life lesson and i think while he needs to be the one to tell his gf, by all means sit down with him to explain how poor his behaviour is and really highlight the STD risk. I agree with you that him bringing this into your house has made it your business. And i agree you’re right not to offer him a lift to the airport, unless he breaks it off with his gf and goes by himself.

Also don’t bother giving nicewoman any more acknowledgement. Clearly nuts.

I can't believe how many people would willfully put their heads in the sand at their son's behaviour, what a shame. If only we had more mothers like OP...

I totally understand how you are feeling but it’s not your place to tell her. He is young and yes has done a dreadful thing but better he did this now before marriage and kids and not afterwards. How does your DH feel about this? Maybe he should have a word man to man

It’s really odd you didn’t message to say you were coming home early almost like you wanted to catch him out. He could’ve heard a noise and hit you over the head with something! I always let my kids know if we’re coming home early. I think it’s none of your business and he might be thinking of finishing with her but with the holiday booked might want to see how that goes. They’re not married or living together. While I agree he shouldn’t be cheating long term, the odd infidelity or overlap isn’t a huge thing. You not letting him know that you were coming home is the issue here

Charming. All I said to the OP was she should keep her nose out of it, which is 90% the correct answer.

The odd infidelity or overlap isn’t a huge thing? I think I and probably most would disagree.

It isn’t really his choice if the relationship continues anymore, he has cheated, his girlfriend needs all of the information so she can decide if she wants to continue sleeping with him or move him into her property. She could get an STD for goodness sake!

And it’s my home, I don’t feel the need to announce my return home to anyone. I wasn’t trying to catch him out as I wouldn’t in a million years believe he was cheating, I expected to find him on the sofa not in bed with a stranger.

Fair enough.

But I have long maintained that the only 2 people who know what’s going on in a relationship are the couple themselves. Friends and family might surmise they know, but it’s only the couple themselves.