My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

well he did rather make it her business by taking some random shag back to his parents house and doing it there. If he had done it elsewhere they wouldn't have been dragged into it.

Not necessarily. Just that I think it’s wrong for a mother to interfere in her grown son’s relationship.

also, I never blamed the foreign gf. The crux of this issue is that the mum should keep out of it and let the relationship run its course.

the gf is 25 and it could all be over in 3 months either with or without the mother’s input.

Finally a MIL (to be ) that actually holds their son to some standards and treats his partner with respect. Yes while I agree it’s not your place to tell her. Absolutely love that you have told him it’s unacceptable.

The gf is a human being and deserves the truth if it could affect her health-wise.

And the son shouldn't have done this in his mothers house.

I don’t know why OP has posted for advice as clearly not interested in taking any or looking at other points of view

Yes, I agree with that: nobody wants strangers in their home.

Yes that’s right. You’re uncomfortable with the secret and you want to offload it as soon as possible, you should have the capacity to keep it to yourself

I never said it was the foreign gf’s fault!

Yeah, it's a shame anyone's responded to it at all. Sometimes a post simply doesn't need to be dignified with a response - it just gives them the oxygen they bizarrely crave.

All very well people bleating “but he’s an adult”…ok, but he’s nearing 30 and still living with his mother and needing his parents to ferry him to and from the airport. It’s not surprising that he needs pointing out that his behaviour is abhorrent.

Sorry if i missed it, whats his father saying or doing through all this

Agree

Heavens, I just try to keep the name of my son's latest straight. I say nothing bad about any of them. I don't interfere. My loyalty is to my son, not the women he goes out with. (If only I could bottle whatever he has, where women seem to find him, and he's on the short side too, extremely attractive.) That said I think he might be serially monogamous. but again I don't ask.

This is a really tricky situation
I would be the MIL here
I have sons, no daughters

on the one hand I would have been raging about what he had done
There is never an excuse for cheating
It is a line in the sand for me in my personal relationships

If this is going to be the start of a new relationship for him rather than an opportunity for a one night stand he needs to tell the girlfriend immediately and end it with her

If he has just taken the chance to shag someone else while the gf is away and hopes to carry on as if nothing has happened once she gets back then that is different - if the gf finds out she may choose to end it there and then
if she travels home regularly this may not be the first time he has done it

I wouldn’t be able to drive anyone anywhere and would refuse to do so

Do bear in mind tho that if you decide to tell her and the gf chooses to forgive him, goes on holiday together and she wants to continue their relationship where does that leave you, him, her…

The added points about his irritation on being found out and on paying for the cab are also relevant. I think you need to tell your son that it’s not fair to make a liar of you and so he has to sort it before you next see his gf. That means he could get transport to the airport through some other means but knows he has to inevitably tell his gf. That way you aren’t over intruding- maybe he isn’t happy in the relationship? I would also ask him to explain what’s going on for him.

Another poster with a high inappropriate user name. I'm not sure why you are being so aggressive to the OP but the tone and language that you use about the girlfriend who has probably done absolutely nothing wrong, is clearly because she is 'foreign' so, in your eyes, inferior to the girl he has cheated with.

My son came down the stairs early, I hadn’t really slept.
He apologised for bringing someone back here, I told him that while it’s entirely inappropriate to bring a stranger back to a home he doesn’t live in my concerns lie with his girlfriend right now.
I didn’t ask why he did it but he took it upon himself to share that he downloaded the dating up in the morning and he wasn’t actually expecting anything to happen, I asserted that’s beside the point.
I told him he really has to tell his girlfriend as he’s taking away her right to have informed consent, and putting her at risk of STDs. He admitted he hadn’t thought of that but he doesn’t want to tell her as he does love her and doesn’t want to lose her, I made it clear that it was a bit to late for that now and he has to tell her.

He has told me he will tell her before the holiday.

Why the repeated use of the word 'foreign' as though this means that she is automatically a gold digger and deserves to be cheated on? There are racist/xenophobic undertones to your posts.

I'm heartened that the poll is in your favour OP but this thread has given me insight into why some men think they can get away with behaving as they do; they know there will always be one woman who will make excuses for them and never expect them to be accountable for their actions - mummy.

You are right that your son should have ended the relationship if he wasn't happy rather than cheating, there are no acceptable excuses. People are messy but it doesn't mean you are obliged to participate in covering up for them. I'd stick to your guns, he's much more likely to tell his girlfriend what he has done if he thinks you will do it if he doesn't and she absolutely has a right to know she's not in a sexually exclusive relationship.

Hopefully he can learn from this before he contemplates a lifetime commitment and children with someone.

I would be so disappointed and would feel very uncomfortable - but you can't threaten to tell her. He is an adult, you really can't issue ultimatums like he's 12.

He's put you in a really awful position here. You know regardless now, if he tells her and they stay together? You will be the MIL that knows her son cheated (and forced him to tell her). That's humiliating for her and horrible for you. How can you ever have a solid relationship with your DIL after that?

If he tells her under threat of you doing it, and she quite rightly dumps him, that will undoubtedly damage your relationship with your son. I wouldn't expect to be introduced to future partners or enjoy the sort of relationship you have with his partner now.

In your shoes I don't know what I would do. I wouldn't want to pretend and cover up for him, but I know that issuing ultimatums like this is never a good idea - it isn't your place.

Well done op, i think you’ve done a great job. Just goes to show that no one is too old to be humbled or learn a lesson. It’s quite clear not enough men consider STD risks.

She deserves to know the truth, just as we all deserve to be informed. I would hope that someone in-the-know would have the gumption and respect to tell me the truth. I wouldn’t care who it is. He is making a fool of her and playing fast and loose with her health and emotions. I’ve seen multiple times how STDs can decimate fertility and physically damage women and babies.

I have a horrible feeling that this unsuspecting young woman will indeed leave for the holiday with this devious cheat and then move in with him while those who are privy opt out and stay quiet, colluding to keep his toxic and dangerous secrets.

I get that you are disappointed in him, but if he didn’t live at home you would be none the wiser.

This is why it’s not healthy for a 28-year old to live at home imo.

I don’t think op’s son lives at home. He lives with a friend of his gf and was staying over at his parents’ house to dog sit, and used it as an opportunity so his housemate wouldn’t find out.

But yeah i agree i would not want my kids living with me that age anyway.