My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

Sadly being a cheat may have already damaged her relationship with him. It’s hard to respect someone who sneaks about on dating sites, cheating and lying to someone they say they love and putting their future fertility at risk. If he’s using a dating app this may not be his first rodeo. If he has never cheated before and she is not at risk of any std he could phone her and end it and not tell her. But by going on holiday and having sex he’s removing her agency too.

It sounds like op was cheated on and is disappointed with her son. Hopefully that will repair over time but ops son needs to do the right thing now and not expect his mother to lie by omission.

I wouldn’t take him to the airport if he’s insisting on going on the holiday and I’d be having a conversation with him in the morning.

Oh for goodness sake!
First of all, it was 3 nights and he clearly made sure he made bloody good use of the free accommodation away from the eyes of anyone his girlfriend knows.
Second of all I know they haven’t broken up, we just spent Christmas with her and he’s going on holiday with her.
3rd of all I couldn’t care less if she has cheated, is a bitch or any other number of so called excuses. If he isn’t happy, she cheated or she isn’t nice to him (which from my experience with her I rather doubt is the case) then he should have broken up with her!

Everyone is so petrified of upsetting someone we know has done something wrong that it appears all morals are thrown out the window!

I'm sure your parents thought they raised you with certain values, but look at the way you speak to people.

'Keep your fat nose out' 'pipe down and shut it'. I wouldn't want you to be a grandparent to my children either, cheating aside.

Ignore them. There’s always a bunch of weird contrarian trolls trying to protect cheating men on threads like these.

I would make him tell her himself and if he didn’t do it promptly I would absolutely tell her. The best time for him to face the consequences of his own actions is as immediately as possible.

How bloody rude that he did this in your home!

I get how you feel - the way I have raised my adult son I would be so disappointed in him if he behaved this way. I think you are doing the right thing not being their airport taxi.

I would speak to him and remind him that he has put his girlfriends sexual health at risk and is deceiving her into having sex with him by not giving her a choice as to whether she would sleep with him or not given his cheating.
Being honest, I don’t think I could go as far as telling her though.
All the people saying butt out - ffs it’s ok to tell our adult children we aren’t ok with their behaviour, no wonder so many men behave the way the way they do if their parents don’t hold them to account. It doesn’t mean you don’t still love them. Honestly though your dh also needs to have a strong word with him.
Do they live together?

aghhh maybe he can’t find the right time to end it, maybe you’re right. In which case he needs to man the fuck up and stay off dating apps and not fuck other women until he’s single. How fucking depressing.

id have to say to him at a minimum I’m so disappointed in you, you’re a bog standard cheating jerk who’s asked us to welcome your gf into our family while you’re on dating apps and bringing other random women into our house to fuck them. Your lovely girlfriend thinks she’s in a monogamous relationship akd she’s having sex with you on that basis. Every time you have sex with her since you started cheating you are actually doing so without her consent, plus putting her health at risk. If you give your gf a dangerous std because you’re cheating I don’t know what I’ll be able to say to you next. Women deserve better than that. I can’t do the airport drop and pretend everything’s ok so you had better find another way or pay the extra ££ for a cab, cheaters tax, let us know once you’ve told her and I’ll call and say how sorry we are and we never knew you were sleeping around. I think you should go now.

Why is it called defending him to say it is none of gjr op's or anyone else's business

And if my husband cheated on me it is 100% on him not his mother or the neighbour down the road or anyone else just him

I don't think posters are making excuses for a grown man or blaming the GF. My take on it was that some posters are saying you may not be aware of all the facts after reading your OP.

In your situation I would be extremely upset too. I would think that if you and your OH are clear that you aren't going to cover for him, then he's going to have to come clean with her pretty sharpish. Personally, I wouldn't actually tell her, but he doesn't know that. I doubt they will be going on holiday together. I wouldn't take her to the airport in ignorance and would let him know that too. I'd also make him fully aware of how you and your OH view cheating and how disappointed you are in him.

Hopefully your son practised safe sex and won't have picked up an STD. Again doubtful he will be having any more sex with his GF.

Because he is still my son, be him 12, 28 or 42 I will never hold back from calling out reckless, selfish and irresponsible behaviour. If your own parents can’t call you out then who can?

He is putting her health at risk and removing her ability to make informed decisions for herself.

I’m not taking the blame, it’s not my fault at all, it is all on him. However when he decided to sleep with a stranger in my house he made it my business.

Op I admire you standing by your principles op. It’s times like this that test your beliefs, values and principles.

I am also surprised by the reactions on here. How can op sit with her at a family meal, knowing she’s been cheated on and acting as if that’s acceptable. What does that show her son? Cheating can cause a form of ptsd. It’s a choice he’s made. She could catch a life threatening or fertility changing STD. Okay they aren’t married etc. But he’s failed the boyfriend test and clearly shouldn’t be moving into her place and she should have the chance to move on and have an std check. She deserves agency.

@nicewoman oh zip it you dingbat

Keep out of this, just because you were cheated on doesn't mean you can demand things of others.

Not buying it, it is a form of control that you want over him, i wouldnt like if my child did this but no it is none of business not matter how i justify it

You're right to hold him accountable.
Personally I'd withhold any lifts to / from the airport or anywhere else and avoid being around her until he's told her. (And tell DS why you're doing this.) That way at least you're not actually lying by omission.
What a horrible position to be in.

Oh my days, how bloody xenophobic can you get!

Not that it’s any of your business, but if she is with him for money she’s rather chosen the wrong man, she’s earns more and already owns a property outright!

And I couldn’t give two flying fucks what she is doing while at home, that’s between her and my son. Someone cheating on you doesn’t give you the right to cheat back, you break up with them or you forgive them, you don’t lower yourself to get revenge.

He slept with someone else in my home, and I can be fairly certain they haven’t broken up as they are going on holiday!

If she is waiting to break up with him then that’s a damning indictment of her personality but has no bearing on my sons actions, if he knows that’s the case he should break up with her not sleep with someone else!

@ErsBears I wish my ex mother in law had your morals. She has never held my ex dh accountable for any of his fuck ups his entire life, just bailed him out. When it came out he’d been cheating on me (together 20 years and we have 2 dds) she supported him and actually facilitated his behaviour. I wish she’d been like you. If more mothers held their sons accountable maybe there would not be so many lying, cheating, shitty men.

It’s not that, it’s why you think you can interfere & dictate who your adult almost 30-year old son can date? It’s like you’re stabbing him in the back & you will destroy all trust you have with him. Just so you can feel morally superior.

incidentally, the son’s gf probably doesn’t have a flattering opinion of you either before you start dreaming of buying wedding dresses & weddings in Tuscany. Foreign gf is wise to her flirty bf and has already planned her exit speech.

Yeah, moreover, presumably he loved his gf at some point. Why is he hurting her like thus?

I'd definitely have words with him. Cheating just isn't on.

But I wouldn't say anything to his GF. Especially not just before they go on holiday, that's not great for either of them.

He needs to decide if GF is the one for him or not. And if she isn't then he should end it.

Dating is mot the same as cheating at all.

Do you think people can never do things for altruistic motives but only to feel superior?

Good for you, OP!! I've not read the full thread, but I've read your posts and I think it's very principled that you're not letting your love for your son blind you to his bad behaviour. We shouldn't enable our children when they hurt others.

It's good for him to see just how disappointed in him you are, although obviously you still love and care about him. And for him to expect you to be complicit in keeping the truth from his girlfriend is entirely unfair - you're absolutely right, he made it your business when he cheated in your home and you discovered him in the act.

At his age, I'd almost consider telling him that you have personal experience of being in his girlfriend's position, so you know just how badly it hurts, and are deeply upset he would do that to another person. But it depends on your relationship with him, as to whether you think that might give him a different perspective, or whether he'd just brush it off.

So criticising cheating makes you self righteous and smug? That's an odd MN take...

It's not much to demand your kids don't cheat in your own home!

I’m not sure why admitting to someone that I raised a man who would cheat on someone would make me feel morally superior.

It would make me feel like I’d done the right thing in allowing her to make informed choices about her life and health which is the most basic right someone can have.

Like I already said though I’m not sure I will tell her as I don’t plan to ostracise my son but none the less I do view his actions very poorly.