My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

Why should loyalty mean enabling cheating?

We don't owe family more than the people they hurt, if they hurt someone. As ethical humans, we should prioritise the person who has been hurt.

What's 'he's still a man' supposed to mean?

And how would YOU feel if YOU were the gf?

Really can;t believe all the posters saying leave it to the son, say nothing, and accept what he wants to do.

Time and time again, there are posts on MN about poor behaviour from men with the general comments being that parents shouldn't facilitate poor behaviour from their sons.

Typical NM double standards in play yet again.

I'm behind the OP in this. I'd give son an ultimatum and if he didn't come clean, I'd certainly not be chauferring him around or doing him any favours at all. I'd make it crystal clear I was fuming with him and wouldn't lie, either directly by omission, if he carried on seeing his girlfriend. I'd not want to be any party to it.

I find some of these replies utterly bonkers. As a mother of two Daughters I hope there are far more mothers of sons like you who are willing to hold their sons accountable for some of the decisions they make. If it was my Daughter, I would hope you would tell her, if your son refused so she has the freedom to make her own choice about her relationship. I hope my daughters are lucky enough to get a mother in law like you one day.

I wouldn’t be driving them to the airport. Tell him he needs to pay for a taxi as if you are in the car with her you will tell her what happened. That’s a natural consequence of his mistake.

Talk to him, but give him time to figure out what has happened here. Is it a long term affair or a drunken one night stand? Is it a one off or a habit every time she’s out of town? Cheating is a complicated thing. Give him time to sort out what has got him here and to take action. But insist he takes action or eventually, you will. I don’t think it’s good to keep this a secret from her but give your son time to take action on his own. The holiday together will be a good opportunity.

If they end up living together she should only be agreeing to that with all relevant information about your son’s character and loyalty. That’s so vital for women because of the chance of pregnancy and the financial vulnerability that it brings. Explain this to him clearly and give him a chance to do the right thing.

Exactly, it doesn't. There's certainly no integrity in just blindly waving away bad decisions and behaviour that affect other people, especially when it compromises someone's health in this way. And when it's your own child it is a clear disservice to them as well. Its pandering.

YANBU, OP. Tell her or make sure he does asap. This reminds me of a uni friend, ‘Dave’, who had the most lovely GF from another country. When she went back there to visit her family for two weeks, Dave slept with another girl (more than once) pretty much immediately she left.

He didn’t tell me he’d done this. I overheard him telling his mate and laughing about it. I was disgusted. He pleaded with me not to tell his GF because he ‘loved her’ and it was just a few shags blah blah, but I felt so upset for his GF when she returned and rushed beaming into his arms, that I did tell her. I couldn’t have not told her. I wasn’t her mum or even a close friend of hers but I couldn’t and wouldn’t leave her in the dark. As it happens, she decided to stay with Dave after he put on a display of grovelling and lies, but they broke up a few months later.

As a father I would force him by any means to confess, I'd be disappointed to find that was the kind of man I raised my son to be.

Shame on everyone trying the defend what he's done, have some morals.

Agree. I wouldn't want my daughter having something like this kept from her, potentially clouding every decision she makes with betrayal. I find the prospect of that excruciating. Someone else deciding that they are the arbiter of her free will. And if my daughter was in this son's position I would be absolutely gutted by her behaviour, as the OP is.

I too am absolutely astounded at some of these responses.

Shame on you, all those users telling @ErsBears to butt out. Her son has behaved appallingly and you're advising her to go along with it? What?!

And trying to deflect onto the fact she didn't announce she was going home...seriously, who does this? I never announce when I'm coming home. It's MY HOME!

Your son not telling her because of a holiday is a travesty. Imagine being the gf going on a nice holiday to find out after he had been sleeping with someone else just before! He needs to stop being so spineless and come clean, regardless of the holiday. Either way - I wouldn’t be taxi to the airport OP. How awkward and how could your son sit in that car knowing 1. How terrible that is and 2. What a position he is putting you in!

I think any defence of your son by posters on here is utterly disgraceful and quite frankly is worrying for the state of British society and morals.
what your son did was disgusting and he should be ashamed. Just because he’s your son, the facts don’t change. He clearly wasn’t going to tell his GF, which is horrible for so many reasons (as OP has stated).
he MADE it your business by thinking it was appropriate to cheat on his GF in your house(!!!) and then be annoyed you caught him out. He then wanted to burden OP with keeping the secret.
completely disgraceful and I’d be so so disappointed in his behaviour, and subsequent actions, if that was my son. Especially at 28 years old! He’s acting like a teenager.

OP you are right to be outraged and disappointed. His GF needs to know so she can decide what she wants to do next and definitely before the holiday.
Honestly, after his behaviour so far, I’d have 0% trust he actually tells her. He’s lied to you multiple times during this saga already.

I would be doing the same. Silly sod. Good on you. He might loose this girlfriend but he might think twice about the consequences of cheating on his future wife in years to come and potentially splitting up a young family. He needs to learn. He made his bed. This is his wrong doing, not yours.

Assuming OP's DS and girlfriend are in a monogamous relationship, there is no way OP could morally let them go on holiday together knowing that he had cheated on her!

I assumed OP's DS was going to be around 17 when I started reading the thread, a slightly more understandable age to act so foolishly. I was shocked to see he is 28!

In OP's post re her DHs chat with DS I got the vibe that her son had said he wanted to marry his GF... Why on earth did he just sleep with someone else then?! Unless they've both agreed to an open relationship, there's just no excuse for this behaviour.

Ideally he would tell his girlfriend himself, but if he's not going to do it then OP definitely should before they go on holiday together. And her son should be the one to not go on the holiday if she wants to go on her own.

Thank goodness OP came home early, otherwise the poor girlfriend might never have had the chance to find out about his cheating.

Have you actually RTFT? Her son said he didn't want to tell her because he was going to propose. He just wanted a quick shag and thought she would be none the wiser. It isn't tricky at all. Her son cheated on his girlfriend the minute she left town. It was premeditated as he downloaded a dating app. He didn't bring her home because he lives with his girlfriend's friends so he used his mum's house as his shag pad. He thought he wouldn't get caught then was annoyed he got caught. The woman he brought home didn't know he had a girlfriend either. He lied to two women, one he claims to love, so he could get his dick wet. It is deceitful and disgusting. Son or not his behavior is to be called out.

The apologists on here for cheating are appalling. The you don't have a right to say anything crew are disgusting too. She is his mum. Your parents are supposed to morally guide you. But it is apparent the moral being of many on here has gone out the window or didn't exist at all. It is no wonder people are so self serving and selfish. They learn from birth their shit behavior is always okay with mummy.

I have a son and daughter. I would feel the same if it were my son. I also applaud the OP for standing up for other women as well. That girlfriend being cheated on could be your own daughter, sister, mother or friend. Stop normalizing cheating as a whoopsie mistake. It is abusive and absolutely deserves the condemnation it is getting here.

I've not read the whole thread OP, just your posts, but as a boy (x2) mum we get told all the bloody time that shitty male behaviour is our fault and that we should be teaching our sons xyz, yet when a boy mum tries to hold her son accountable for his shitty behaviours, she's made out to be interfering old bag. 🙄

I would be furious also OP, but I don't believe it is your job to tell his gf what he's been up to. However I would be giving him a piece of my mind and strongly advising him to tell her himself, asap. And he could make other arrangements to get to the airport if he wants to go to continue with the holiday.

As a mum of 3 daughters in their 20s I am apalled at your attitude. What if she gets pregnant on holiday?? She thinks she's in a committed relationship. She isn't able to exercise any choice or autonomy. How can op honestly let this woman go on holiday knowing her son has been shagging someone else and that she has no idea.

You don’t have to insult our intelligence. It isn’t clear from your first post that he doesn’t live at home and why should people have to read quite a way into the thread to discover that?

Stay out of the drama. Allow young people to live their lives. Making mistakes, making up, breaking up is all part of growing up. Do you think the gf wants you interfering in their life?

Ignoring all other commentary….

if he had supposedly just downloaded the dating app that morning and picked someone up he didn’t know, I would be fuming he bought it a total stranger into my home.

Imagine if you had valuables lying around being made easily accessible. He isn’t just disrespecting his GF. He is disrespecting the both of you.

(I also highly doubt he hasn’t done this before and that there is even an app. I suspect he defo knows that girl ten minutes down the road)

I'd tell her. If she's close enough to be sending texts to the family GC, she needs to know before she makes the biggest mistake of her life.

It was very clear from her first post unless you can’t comprehend plain English.

So true! Some very seedy mumsnetters on this thread

“yet when a boy mum tries to hold her son accountable for his shitty behaviours..,”

Too late.

Seedy? They have not caught their sons having sex with randoms at their homes so they must be doing something right.