My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

Good for you OP. You don’t need to condone cheating and lying in relationship and can still support your son.

You don’t need to be the one to tell her but do not facilitate, do not drop them to the airport and do not have them together in your house. Don’t become party to his lies. This is how me end having multiple families and secret children but mums don’t at a word because not their business.

how can we raise better men when as soon as it comes to your son there’s no need for accountability or backbone.

stand by your morals and continue to want and expect behaviour from him.

No, just that women aren’t stupid and have an inbuilt 6th sense on whether their bf is cheating. If this isn’t the first time he’s cheated, then the gf probably already knows something is up.

This!!! I can’t stand this attitude that morals and right and wrong only matter when it’s everyone else but family gets a free pass and you have their back no matter what, eastenders style. I don’t subscribe to that at all. If someone is in the wrong they’re in the wrong, and the reaction to the behaviour should be based on morality only, not whether you’re related to them or not.

Put the pipe down love

I know plenty of women who say they had absolutely no idea anything was going on right up until their partners left them for the OW.

On behalf of girlfriends, mothers and people with decency - thank you OP.

What 🤣🤣🤣

So if your parents don’t side with you at all times even if you’re in the wrong, you’d cut them off and refuse access to their grandchildren? Yeah, you’re the problem here.

Someone outside the couple themselves know that one is cheating on the other. There is never an excuse for this. He could have separated and not went on the holiday. Or went on the holiday, separated afterwards and then went to sleep with someone else.

Are you saying that a grown man can't control himself to not have sex with someone until he is single?

Fully agree with you OP.

He made a deliberate choice to cheat. So now he can deal with the consequences.

The MN double standard is hilarious. Cheating men are considered abhorrent, despicable, the lowest of the low, unless they’re your son, in which case they probably had good reason to cheat and you must cover up and excuse them. Pathetically laughable. Good on you op for not condoning this and for insisting on action from him.

dear lord the excuses. There is no excuse for cheating on and lying to your partner. If he is unhappy then he should end it first with his girlfriend. After all he is a responsible adult as everyone keeps falling over themselves to point out so he should act like one.

No, but I do think blood is thicker than water

😂

Did you hear that, ladies? We all have an 'inbuilt 6th sense', which is why men never get away with cheating for months or even years, while their wives or girlfriends have no idea. It just doesn't happen!

Honestly, the things you make up, Nicewoman.

They morph in all the horrible and lying MILs they moan about on here. Willingly complicit in men’s shitty tying ruinous behaviour.

embarrassing

@Nicewoman

Are you on the same planet as the rest of us?

You made up a whole lot of nonsense with no evidentiary basis.

Is all ok in your crazy, weird imaginary world?

A 50% divorce rate in this country tells me no.

No

Good for you for holding him accountable.
I would have another conversation today to reiterate why he needs to tell her and that you don't feel comfortable being around them as a couple knowing this information until she does.

I would be very angry if my MIL knew why DH had cheated and dropped me off to go on holiday all smiles. It's better he tells her before holiday before trapping her with him in a different place for however long, holiday break ups are awful

I think if it were me. My views and opinions on what he is up to and the fact it’s been done on your doorstep would be made clear. There would be no longer a lift to airport on table.

I think going forward I wouldn’t want them as a couple around me anymore as I feel caught in the middle as you caught him in the act and also now know even more, he is on dating apps etc.

But I don’t think I’d be able to tell her myself, as it’s not my place nor business to be involved in to that degree.

It is up to him what he does, if he continues to lie to her he may make an excuse as to why there’s a new route to the airport or they haven’t been around yours for dinner in a while etc. That’s up to him but I don’t think I’d want to be around their relationship knowing this going forward. He put you in that position so that’s the consequence.

Good for you for caring, OP. When ppl are having affairs mumsnet tells them that their AP’s poor wife/partner is having her consent removed bc she has no idea they’re having sex with some random person as well as them. Maybe tell your son if he doesn’t tell her then you can’t see her anymore as you’d feel too uncomfortable. That starts with him finding other arrangements to get to the airport.

As there is no way of her potentially knowing unless he comes clean then she could end up with an STI or having children with him, then finding out, and the devastation to several lives will be awful. She definitely has a right to know and should know. The cavalier way he conducted the affair/ONS means if he’s not done it before, he wouldn’t have a problem repeating his behaviour. She deserves better.

None of this gives you the green light to interfere. He’s 28. You need to MYOB.

So why is that the 'foreign' girlfriends fault? I don't know if you are man/woman/parent/grandparent, but I do know you advocate cheating, are rude, and are probably divorced yourself.

Everyone saying that you shouldn't say anything or you risk your relationship with your son. If that was me it would be my son who was worried about losing the relationship with me! He is the one who should be embarrassed and apologetic, ans from your description he is clearly neither, from your description this isn't a temporary lapse in judgment, they met on a dating app? He is an unmitigated cheating shit, there is no possible justification for it.
You don't get to act immorally then complain when you are called on it.

Id love to know if there is a correlation here between those who are telling you it's none of your business and those who think cheating is excusable/have cheated.

It's called morals.
You should look into it.