Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is unreasonable, me or DH?

143 replies

doigetthedonut · 02/01/2026 19:22

I have a 6mo. Never been away from her for more than an hour, apart from sleeping but we’re in the same room. I do have a hard time putting her down during the day, I’m happiest when I’m holding her. A very kind family member bought me tickets to a show for Christmas in a few weeks (DD will be 7mo). It is the kind of thing I’d usually enjoy. I am dreading it. I do not want to go. I told dh that I don’t think I can, he’s insisting I go. I will 100% be wishing I wasn’t there the whole time. I like the family member a lot and enjoy their company so it’s not that, it’s being away from dd. Dh says that it’s not right to be so dreading being away from her for an evening. To me it feels natural, I just want to be with her.

DD isn’t my first Dc but I didn’t get like this before; I could enjoy an evening out and be fine. I do 95% of DD’s care, dh will take her if I want a shower etc but otherwise I have her and do all of her feeding, changing etc.

The show and travel etc will be about 5 hours. I am really upset that I will be away from DD that long and dh is forcing me to go. I have no issues with dh looking after her, it’s not that. She’s also formula fed so it’s not breastfeeding logistics. Am I being unreasonable or is DH?

OP posts:
ComewithmeIntotheseaofLove · 02/01/2026 19:24

I think do what you want to do

brunettemic · 02/01/2026 19:25

I’ll get shouted down but for me YABU as I don’t see how you’re doing things as healthy for you, your baby or your DH long, or even medium, term. Equally…you do what you think is best and if that works who is anyone else to comment.

gamerchick · 02/01/2026 19:25

Neither of you are OP.

But you know, it's fine to miss her and spend some time as just an adult and dad will probably enjoy having some daddy baby time.

It won't do any harm and you might find yourself enjoying yourself and get the happy of being home afterwards.

THATnewyearnewmebullshit · 02/01/2026 19:26

I think its healthy to have time away from your baby to be you, not just be mum. However this shouldn't be forced.

Perhaps try and build up to this outing increasing time away from her. Being with her all the time could make things hard for her when it comes to you going back to work too.

Moonnstarz · 02/01/2026 19:26

I would be looking at why you are so reluctant to leave them. To me it is you who is unreasonable as you have DH more than willing to share care for the baby but you don't seem to want him involved.

gamerchick · 02/01/2026 19:26

I'm always of the mind that it's important that other caregivers get to know baby and be able to cope alone. Just in case of various things that can keep a mother away. For the bairns sake.

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 02/01/2026 19:27

Isn’t healthy for you or other dc to see this level of favouritism.
is other dc a boy?

ThatHappyBlueCritic · 02/01/2026 19:28

You aren’t wrong to not want to be apart, but you will probably enjoy the show more than you think. You are allowed to miss her and it’s nice that you enjoy spending so much time, but having a tiny bit of independence and some of your old self is healthy too.

Barney16 · 02/01/2026 19:28

Perhaps you could do a few practices. Just an hour to begin with, go for a walk or pop for a coffee. Then the next time a little bit longer. It may not be as awful as you fear.

Octavia64 · 02/01/2026 19:30

You are not unreasonable.

but it probably is a good idea to get baby used to other caregivers. Will you be going back to work at any point?

vanillalattes · 02/01/2026 19:31

I voted YABU because I don't feel it's healthy to have got to this point without never being away from your child for longer than an hour. Go. Your DH must feel as though you don't trust him.

Soontobe60 · 02/01/2026 19:32

I think you’re being very unreasonable and your friend and DH may well have contrived this gift to try to get you out of this situation. It’s really unhealthy for your baby to have this relationship with one parent. Your older child must be feeling abandoned if you never put their sibling down. Have you spoken to your GP about your feelings?

PashaMinaMio · 02/01/2026 19:32

I had a girlfriend who wouldn’t ever leave her baby.
It impacted on her marriage because her husband felt neglected. Date nights, concerts, anniversary dinners out, social anything, she wouldn’t leave baby/toddler, ever.

Please go. You’ll enjoy it.

Original poster
doigetthedonut · 02/01/2026 19:33

@vanillalattesgenuine question, is it normal for most mums to have had more than an hour away at his age? Bearing in mind most would be on mat leave anyway?

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 02/01/2026 19:33

You're not leaving her, she'll be with her dad. I didn't leave ds other than for work until he was around 3.5 , him being with DH was the exception, both parents are important to a child, enjoy the evening, you'll miss her but it'll go quickly. It'll also be really lovely for father and daughter to have some quality time

vanillalattes · 02/01/2026 19:35

doigetthedonut · 02/01/2026 19:33

@vanillalattesgenuine question, is it normal for most mums to have had more than an hour away at his age? Bearing in mind most would be on mat leave anyway?

Of course. Lots of parents are back at work, or have other children they need to do things with, or other appointments to keep.

ChristmasHug · 02/01/2026 19:35

It's not unreasonable but also doesn't sound healthy.

When do you think you'll be able to leave her alone? It'll be good for your whole family for you to learn to be apart, start by spending some 1-1 with other DC in a different part of the house.

iamnotalemon · 02/01/2026 19:35

‘I’m happiest when I’m holding her’ and not wanting to put her down during the day doesn’t sound particularly healthy to me.

Chamomileteaplease · 02/01/2026 19:35

I don't think you are unreasonable not to want to go to the show. It is weird that it is meant to be a treat but you are being forced to do it! However, it is interesting what one poster said, that it is ok to miss her. Why don't you go? Yes you will miss her. But you will survive and hopefully have some fun for some of the time.

However, I do think it is a bit worrying that you find it hard to put her down during the day. That seems somewhat obsessive. Surely it also means that your older child never gets you to themselves. And your husband too!

I would start trying to build up time apart from her. For a reason not if there's no need but to take the other child out for an hour for instance.

Newyearawaits · 02/01/2026 19:37

YABU OP.
Afew hours away??????
Absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I can see why your husband is upset.

Original poster
doigetthedonut · 02/01/2026 19:38

Also I do put dd down on her play mat for bits during the day as she needs to develop her muscles etc, I’m not holding her back in that respect, she can roll etc.

OP posts:
FortyFacedFuckers · 02/01/2026 19:39

I was like this with my DS, do you feel anxious leaving her or letting your DH care for her?

will you be going back to work?

Original poster
doigetthedonut · 02/01/2026 19:40

@FortyFacedFuckersI genuinely don’t feel anxious about dh looking after her, he’s more than capable.

Tagging @Octavia64because since you both asked, no, I’m planning on not until she’s in nursery (3).

OP posts:
gamerchick · 02/01/2026 19:41

When does your husband get time with the bairn OP and do the other kids get time with you without the baby there?

I know it's weird letting them become little people in their own right. They've been a part of you for so long. But at some point you need to make slack in the reins.

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 02/01/2026 19:41

YABU.

you're stunting your husband from forming a bond with your joint child.

I also suspect the huge favouritism you seem to have towards this baby could be picked up on by your existing child/children.

Swipe left for the next trending thread