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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is unreasonable, me or DH?

143 replies

doigetthedonut · 02/01/2026 19:22

I have a 6mo. Never been away from her for more than an hour, apart from sleeping but we’re in the same room. I do have a hard time putting her down during the day, I’m happiest when I’m holding her. A very kind family member bought me tickets to a show for Christmas in a few weeks (DD will be 7mo). It is the kind of thing I’d usually enjoy. I am dreading it. I do not want to go. I told dh that I don’t think I can, he’s insisting I go. I will 100% be wishing I wasn’t there the whole time. I like the family member a lot and enjoy their company so it’s not that, it’s being away from dd. Dh says that it’s not right to be so dreading being away from her for an evening. To me it feels natural, I just want to be with her.

DD isn’t my first Dc but I didn’t get like this before; I could enjoy an evening out and be fine. I do 95% of DD’s care, dh will take her if I want a shower etc but otherwise I have her and do all of her feeding, changing etc.

The show and travel etc will be about 5 hours. I am really upset that I will be away from DD that long and dh is forcing me to go. I have no issues with dh looking after her, it’s not that. She’s also formula fed so it’s not breastfeeding logistics. Am I being unreasonable or is DH?

OP posts:
winterbluess · 02/01/2026 19:43

I think your husband is encouraging you to go because your behaviour doesn't sound healthy

Advocodo · 02/01/2026 19:43

You are not being unreasonable. Don’t go.

vanillalattes · 02/01/2026 19:43

I genuinely don’t feel anxious about dh looking after her, he’s more than capable

Then you need to let him. Because at the moment, he's not getting any decent amount of time with his own daughter, and that's not fair.

FrodoBiggins · 02/01/2026 19:45

doigetthedonut · 02/01/2026 19:33

@vanillalattesgenuine question, is it normal for most mums to have had more than an hour away at his age? Bearing in mind most would be on mat leave anyway?

Yes most mums would have had multiple periods away from their baby, even if short trips out/date nights, especially if not EBF. Don't your other children miss having your undivided attention, too?
I had a friend who did this with their daughter and daughter now "has" to be home schooled while mum is a SAHM (not the plan) because daughter has terrible separation anxiety (as does mum tbh)

sellotapechicken · 02/01/2026 19:45

Yabu and you’re being horrible to your other child / children

Xmasbaby11 · 02/01/2026 19:46

I was starting to leave dd at that age for a few hours though normally after bedtime when she was asleep. I would have not wanted to travel a distance from her though.

I would try to build up to it to get used to it - sounds like it’s just habit and maybe you’d really enjoy it - give yourself a chance.

Purlant · 02/01/2026 19:48

Maybe your husband wants some quality 121 time with his child?

Egglio · 02/01/2026 19:48

In what way is this different to previous DC? I think this is really important information to be able to say whether it is unreasonable. Was she high risk for illness, did you have a difficult birth etc.? This sounds very much like postnatal anxiety to me, which of course isn't unreasonable in and of itself, but it does need supporting.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 02/01/2026 19:49

People will say "do what you want"
And Your baybe your rulzzzz

But honestly it's unhealthy.
I find women who behave like this a bit alarming to be frank and I have a 1 and 3 yr old who I love the bones of.
Second was in NICU for a month and honestly i was scared he would die for a while.

Life is about balance. This isnt balance.

I have 2 friends/acquaintances with 3 yr old who are divorcing and both sound like you with unhealthy attachments to their children.
They were "close" to them at the expense of everything including their marriage.
One was in the same room as her child for the entire year of mat leave. As in she didn't leave the baby in the living room with her husband to go make a tea (she would say it was "unconscious" or "oh do i do that i never noticed!" It was f-ing weird

Both were warned repeatedly by friends (who they bailed on allllllll the time because
.... random excuse involving their baby/ child needing them)

A date night is good for your marriage.

CheeseWisely · 02/01/2026 19:51

doigetthedonut · 02/01/2026 19:33

@vanillalattesgenuine question, is it normal for most mums to have had more than an hour away at his age? Bearing in mind most would be on mat leave anyway?

Most (perhaps not all) of the friends I’ve made since having DS had definitely been away from their baby for more than an hour by 6 months. Trying to think back, DS was 6 months last Christmas and I’d been to my work summer party when he was about 2 months, went to my Christmas party, and a fair few trips to the cinema / meals out / hair appointments / popped out shopping for a few hours in between. No qualms at all about leaving him with DH, and on a couple of occasions SIL or my best friend.

Eenameenadeeka · 02/01/2026 19:53

I was very much the same, I also had the excuse of breastfeeding so 5 hours would have been impossible for them. By the time I got to babies 3&4, there were times I had to do things with my older children that meant I had to leave the little ones for a couple of hours. Since baby is formula fed she will be absolutely fine with her Dad, but she's still so little and I don't think you should have to leave her if you don't want to.

MissAmbrosia · 02/01/2026 19:56

I had to go back to work when dd was 5 months old, so popping out for an evening leaving her with her dad would not be an issue. I think my friend and I went to see Duran Duran in London one evening when she was around that age. I missed her, but she was fine with her dad and I really enjoyed the night out. I am not one to tell others what to do, but only on MN have I seen people who never left their children with a babysitter or had any kind of social life for absolute years in some cases.

GeorgeClooneyshouldhavemarriedme · 02/01/2026 19:58

It's been 7 months.
At what point will you be happy to be apart from her for a few hours?

I wouldn't frame your behaviour as being
" normal or not normal" but it's definitely not typical. At this point I believe most mums would love a couple of hours off. Everyone misses their small babies when not with them, but not to the point of avoiding any activity that does not involve baby.

The obvious red flag here is that you have another DC and did not live the experience with the same level of hyper attachment.

Whatever you decide to do, and I don't think you should feel forced to go, it is worth exploring why you feel this level of need to be constantly with this DC and maybe start working towards a more healthy balance.

Vaxtable · 02/01/2026 19:58

Yes you are being unreasonable

your child has two parents, she will be fine with her dad.

carry on as you are with holding her all the time and you will only make things much worse as she gets older, she needs to learn some independence even at 7 months

ActiveTiger · 02/01/2026 20:00

Erm much as we love our kids you have to remember you have a DH and he needs attention also to keep a strong relationship and tbh your not doing baby any favours constantly being with her or carrying about, you will end up with a very needy, whingy kid in a few months everytime you leave a room...Gotta get a better balance and you end up with great kids and a good relationship years later

MissDoubleU · 02/01/2026 20:03

Your DH deserves time alone to bond with the baby. YANBU to feel so attached but YABVU to refuse to be away from the baby at all. DF needs time with baby without you snatching her back.

Go out. Try and enjoy yourself. Even if you are sad and do miss your baby, it’s actually fine to feel that way. But it isn’t just about your feelings, here. Back off a little.

ByPoisedRaven · 02/01/2026 20:06

I couldn't have been away for five hours at that age as mine were still very nursing dependent at that stage. Yours is bottle fed though, so five hours isn't a lot. I don't think it's wrong to feel like you don't want to leave your baby but maybe it will be good for DH to have some time with his daughter? Maybe when you leave you'll discover you actually have a good time? I think you should do it, unless there's missing information as to why you shouldn't.

Glitchymn1 · 02/01/2026 20:06

I’d build up a little bit of time away, it would do you good to get out for a bit.

canklesmctacotits · 02/01/2026 20:11

From baby’s perspective: it would be good for her to have a little awake time away from you and with her other parent. It’s just a few hours (given naps/ bedtime etc).

From DH’s perspective: she’s as much his as yours, he’s quite capable, let him have her. It’s just a few hours.

From your perspective: it’s interesting that this baby isn’t your first and you weren’t like this with the other child. Is it too nosy to ask why you feel this way about this baby and not the other? I’m semi-scared of the answer, and think it could be why you’re feeling the way you do. The answer could override all the above and totally change my answer.

GravyBoatWars · 02/01/2026 20:14

I think making you feel forced is the wrong approach but I don't think he's wrong to encourage it. I also think that it's important to respect and nurture more than the singular relationship between you and your youngest... the relationships between baby and her father and with other close relatives as well as your relationships with your husband, other child(ren), and other family and friends are all deserving of that.

How much time have you had one-one with your older child(ren) since your youngest was born? With your DH? How does DH feel about the opportunity he's had to bond with the baby and tend to her needs without you getting involved? Do you know what's going on in the lives of your family and friends right now, and how they're doing?

BettysRoasties · 02/01/2026 20:17

What’s the difference between this baby and your other/s? Why so clingy this time around?

You should be able to leave her with her father and siblings for a few hours.

In fact dad should be able to have a few hours with his children without you anyway this isn’t a separated ex who barely knows his baby this is your husband who you live with.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 02/01/2026 20:19

Does he get to look after her at all at home?

I felt much the same as you with all of mine, but it would have done me good to be sent on my way. I was BF though so a little different

user2848502016 · 02/01/2026 20:23

YABU because this sounds quite extreme, no reason at all why you can’t leave a 7 month old formula fed baby with her Dad for 5 hours.
Why not start small and plan some outings over the next month to get you both used to it?
Leave DD with DH and go to the shops/for a walk/for a coffee

JoWilkinsonsno1fan · 02/01/2026 20:24

doigetthedonut · 02/01/2026 19:33

@vanillalattesgenuine question, is it normal for most mums to have had more than an hour away at his age? Bearing in mind most would be on mat leave anyway?

Yes I had 4 months mat leave 22 years ago, I had no choice, so DS went to a childminder twice a week.

I think it’s also very normal for Mums to have a hour for a swim, or a run or even a nice bath! It’s a lovely gift and perhaps your DH would like quality time with his DD?

Nannyogganny · 02/01/2026 20:24

You sound unreasonable and overly clingy OP. Your child is an independant person. Your child is not an object that you own. Let the child be with other people

I have to ask you this - were you loved as a child?

My mother wasnt loved as a child.
When she became a mother to me, she saw me as her only source of love, and she became extremely clingy of me

She wouldnt let anyone else look after me as a child. She was clingy. It made me want to get away from her. And now I am an adult I moved far away from her to have my own life

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