Who is unreasonable, me or DH?

[doigetthedonut]

I have a 6mo. Never been away from her for more than an hour, apart from sleeping but we’re in the same room. I do have a hard time putting her down during the day, I’m happiest when I’m holding her. A very kind family member bought me tickets to a show for Christmas in a few weeks (DD will be 7mo). It is the kind of thing I’d usually enjoy. I am dreading it. I do not want to go. I told dh that I don’t think I can, he’s insisting I go. I will 100% be wishing I wasn’t there the whole time. I like the family member a lot and enjoy their company so it’s not that, it’s being away from dd. Dh says that it’s not right to be so dreading being away from her for an evening. To me it feels natural, I just want to be with her.

DD isn’t my first Dc but I didn’t get like this before; I could enjoy an evening out and be fine. I do 95% of DD’s care, dh will take her if I want a shower etc but otherwise I have her and do all of her feeding, changing etc.

The show and travel etc will be about 5 hours. I am really upset that I will be away from DD that long and dh is forcing me to go. I have no issues with dh looking after her, it’s not that. She’s also formula fed so it’s not breastfeeding logistics. Am I being unreasonable or is DH?

Maybe the baby is different. My first baby would get so upset if I left at that age so I would have never gone anywhere for 5 hours. I did try shorter times but got cut short.
OP there is nothing wrong with wanting to wait until the baby is a bit older before leaving her. Just because other people do doesn't mean you should.

I wonder if all the mums who are now saying YANBU will turn out to be the same ones who in a few years will be on here upset at their DP/DHs lack of engagement in family life?

He's forcing you? Well don't let him. Let him enjoy that time.
And 5 hours at 6 months is at a lot! Especially if ur a sahm.
Start with 2 hours.
How can you go from zero to 5 hours?
I wouldn't OP
When she's about12 months
I wouod jump at that chance though
I don't get why separation of mum is neccassary at this stage?

Its normal, and I would even see necessary for both mother and baby. I love my son but I was desperate for a few hours of me time (just time where I didn't have to be in mum mode and could just relax).

i suppose I’m surprised that babies these days have that. we got no regular help from family, my babies wouldn’t have been comfortable with them. Is that not normal? maybe my perception of what is normal is way off but I genuinely thought the family/ village set up was a thing of the past really.

My babies have regular interactions with DH of course but as the woman it was me on mat leave, so he only saw them before and after a long work day and it wasn’t until they were much older that they would go to him for comfort. as little babies they only wanted me. i did actually attempt to go to a wedding once when my first born was 4 months and i had to leave really quickly and she was just crying all the time.

And re the settling in sessions - that’s actually my point. when they go to nursery it’s accepted that they will cry and need a while to settle in. so why wouldn’t they do that if left for an evening before they’re used to being in a nursery setting.

I actually get what you mean and was a bit like this with my DC. Five hours away would have been too much at six months old for me. I did breastfeed, but still.

If you won’t enjoy it, don’t go.

If you’re worried that you’re too fearful of being away from her, then speak to a professional about it. If you’re not, then carry on. It passed eventually for me! My children both went into childcare at 14 / 18 months old for two days a week and it was all good for me by then! I felt like i needed the time “off”.

I loved having little children. I miss it a lot now that mine are upper primary / secondary. I think I’ll always miss it.

OP I would worry that 'this baby is different' because you could have a touch of PND? I didn't have even the merest hint of it with my first, but with my second I did and I didn't recognise it because I hadn't had it first time round. It got me completely by surprise.

So I'm not saying YABU but I do think a word with your GP might be a good thing.

i suppose I’m surprised that babies these days have that. we got no regular help from family, my babies wouldn’t have been comfortable with them. Is that not normal?

I wouldn't say not normal but incredibly unusual to not have anyone else other than their mum or dad in their life. It doesn't have to be regular childcare help but surely they saw some family or friends who would be familiar adults to them?

Settling in sessions also aren't because it's accepted that they will cry, many don't. It's to get them used to a new routine and environment and new people not because they will be sobbing uncontrollably.

How are you managing to do anything for yourself, OP?? For your own health and wellbeing like go to the gym? See your friends? Hobby?

I think given you have three other children then yes it’s highly unusual that you haven’t had more than an hour away from your youngest. Your other children still need one on one time with you and are surely missing out.

You'll probably have fun if you go. But I would think more important than the concert is to spend a bit of one on one time with your older daughters, maybe a cinema trip or something that doesn't revolve around the littlest one. Give your dh a chance to bond with the baby.

Of course YABU. This is relationship destroying behaviour. Not only are you neglecting your marriage but you are also giving one child preferential treatment. Why is this one more precious than your other daughters? They will absolutely pick up on that.

Nobody should force you to leave your baby. But I don't think it's healthy to not be be able to leave them with your husband, can you work towards this?

You do you. But I think it would do YOU good to get away from baby for a few hours. Your husband will be fine with her just enjoy some me time x

No way would I go.

Well it’s usually the dad, and he’s usually been allowed to, for example, hold his own baby.

@Rosealea

why??

no I don’t think it’s normal to be so reluctant to leave baby that you are thinking of cancelling on this event and kind relative who is treating you . Probably because you know this is your last baby maybe ?

presumably you will need to go back to work at some point ?

take some anxiety meds have a few drinks and push yourself your husband needs to be left alone to bond with his child otherwise you are stopping him from being close to his child