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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is unreasonable, me or DH?

143 replies

doigetthedonut · 02/01/2026 19:22

I have a 6mo. Never been away from her for more than an hour, apart from sleeping but we’re in the same room. I do have a hard time putting her down during the day, I’m happiest when I’m holding her. A very kind family member bought me tickets to a show for Christmas in a few weeks (DD will be 7mo). It is the kind of thing I’d usually enjoy. I am dreading it. I do not want to go. I told dh that I don’t think I can, he’s insisting I go. I will 100% be wishing I wasn’t there the whole time. I like the family member a lot and enjoy their company so it’s not that, it’s being away from dd. Dh says that it’s not right to be so dreading being away from her for an evening. To me it feels natural, I just want to be with her.

DD isn’t my first Dc but I didn’t get like this before; I could enjoy an evening out and be fine. I do 95% of DD’s care, dh will take her if I want a shower etc but otherwise I have her and do all of her feeding, changing etc.

The show and travel etc will be about 5 hours. I am really upset that I will be away from DD that long and dh is forcing me to go. I have no issues with dh looking after her, it’s not that. She’s also formula fed so it’s not breastfeeding logistics. Am I being unreasonable or is DH?

OP posts:
Garroty · 03/01/2026 09:37

I think you shouldn't have to do something that makes you uncomfortable but I would interrogate where this anxiety is coming from, especially as it isn't something you experienced with your other daughters.

Either way it's not up to your DH, you get to decide what you're comfortable with.

DancingNotDrowning · 03/01/2026 09:39

You couldn’t have dragged DC4 out of my arms when she was that age OP.

I couldn’t bear to be a minute away from her. A few months later I was able to have (and enjoy!) nights away from her.

do what makes you feel comfortable

LadyKenya · 03/01/2026 09:40

muggart · 03/01/2026 09:25

i never understand how supposedly most mums on MN are able to leave their babies at such a young age, don’t they need to get used to an alternative caregiver first? both my kids would have freaked out and screamed the whole time.

Most Mums? Maybe those people you are reading about, had other family members around their children from day one, so the children were with people they recognised, hence it not being a problem.

EatYourDamnPie · 03/01/2026 09:42

muggart · 03/01/2026 09:25

i never understand how supposedly most mums on MN are able to leave their babies at such a young age, don’t they need to get used to an alternative caregiver first? both my kids would have freaked out and screamed the whole time.

Why are babies not used to be with their fathers? That’s who DD stayed with when I went out.

MyCheeryMouse · 03/01/2026 09:42

doigetthedonut · 02/01/2026 19:33

@vanillalattesgenuine question, is it normal for most mums to have had more than an hour away at his age? Bearing in mind most would be on mat leave anyway?

Everyone is different, I was exactly the same as you! First time I left my DC was 9m old for a drs appt and I cried at the appt because it felt awful leaving her! After about 13 months I had no choice due to going back to work. But honestly, you do what is right for you imo. What’s the point of going somewhere and being stressed and wanting to come home. You won’t feel like this forever, they are only small for so long. Enjoy your DC, sounds like she has a great mama x

wandererofthekingdom · 03/01/2026 09:43

I think for your baby’s sake it’s important that you get her used to not being with you all the time. Eventually things will crop up or they’ll be an emergency and she’ll end up without you and totally unused to it. You need to learn to be away from her too for a few hours. It’s completely natural to miss her, but learning to deal with missing someone is just part of life.

Supergirl1958 · 03/01/2026 09:46

doigetthedonut · 02/01/2026 19:33

@vanillalattesgenuine question, is it normal for most mums to have had more than an hour away at his age? Bearing in mind most would be on mat leave anyway?

Within 3 weeks of my son being born I went to a football match so 4 hours with travel. Within 5 weeks I had a colleagues funeral that I was away from DS for 5 hours.

I genuinely don’t think it’s healthy that you are saying you happiest when holding your child. I suspect your husband probably feels a bit left out which is why he’s making it clear he wants you to go.

Id also worry about your post natal mental health if you’re struggling to want to put yourself first sometimes (note sometimes!!).

godmum56 · 03/01/2026 09:49

He shouldn't force you but I don't think what you are doing is healthy.

Turnups · 03/01/2026 09:50

YABU.

Now you are through the all-consuming time of the first few months of motherhood, you need to rediscover and develop yourself as an individual as well as a mum - and also think more about your relationship with your other child(ren), who are surely feeling pushed out. You also need to show your DH you trust him to look after the baby, and allow him to develop his own close relationship with her.

Never wanting to put the baby down is troubling. How do you think it makes your older child(ren) feel? Could it be that you are clinging to this baby because you know she will be your last?

Go to the show in the knowledge that the baby will be fine, you will miss her but you have the maturity to cope with that.

KarmenPQZ · 03/01/2026 09:54

You are holding your daughter back from forming a relationship with her father. Do you actively not want him to be involved?

Livelovebehappy · 03/01/2026 09:55

Depends on how long you are going to avoid spending alone time with your dh. If this is still going to be the case in 6 months time, when you refuse to spend time one on one with your dh, then you’re going to drift apart with potential problems in the marriage. That’s the reality. Why don’t you have a couple of trial runs first. Leave your baby for an hour or so whilst you pop to the shops. I think as you build up the time you will be more relaxed and confident about spending time away from her. Had your dh been on the same page as you, all would be good, but it seems he is looking for quality time with his wife.

Fakewelsh · 03/01/2026 09:56

Ignore everyone who is saying it’s unhealthy to be so attached to your baby.

She is 6 months which is still so tiny. I struggled leaving both of my children when they were that small and no I haven’t created problems by being with them constantly.

Taking breaks is important but only when you are ready and willing to do so. I went to a gig when my baby was 6 months as I’d committed before being pregnant and I hated it. I went because I felt pressured as people kept telling me I needed a break. And I counted down the clock the whole time and ended up leaving early as I just wanted to be with my baby. I didn’t even enjoy the gig even they it was my favourite artists as I was clock watching and feeling uncomfortable. When my baby was 9 months I was much happier going out without her.

Dont be pressured if it isn’t something you want to do. It’s not something you need to unpick or explore. Every mother is different and will have different feelings about spending time with their babies.

Fakewelsh · 03/01/2026 09:59

Oh please don’t think YABU. Every baby is different. I’ve commented on the thread already but don’t do anything that is going to cause you stress. Both my children were attached to me constantly at that age.

rainbowstardrops · 03/01/2026 10:02

I don’t think it’s healthy to be this reluctant to take some time away from the baby and ultimately, you aren’t doing your daughter any favours. She needs to be happy to be left with others, otherwise you’re going to have all sorts of issues when she goes to nursery or you’re ill or whatever.
I wonder how your other children feel about you being so attached to the baby?

MCF86 · 03/01/2026 10:03

doigetthedonut · 02/01/2026 19:33

@vanillalattesgenuine question, is it normal for most mums to have had more than an hour away at his age? Bearing in mind most would be on mat leave anyway?

DC dad had definitely taken him out for an hour by that point. My mum might have too, actually. I didn't put him down much either, but I was happy with him getting that attention from other members of his family while I had a nap too!

Tacocat2 · 03/01/2026 10:05

Maybe your DH is desperate for you to go because he wants some alone time with his baby which he hasn’t been able to have so far.

Feb2024baby · 03/01/2026 10:06

I was same in struggling to leave my baby at that age and everyone thought I was mad / harming me and her / need to just push through it etc etc. I think for me it was about having a say in when and for how long I left her at the start. I resented anyone trying to push baby free time on me and wanted to build up very slowly from a short walk into the village to going out for a lunch (dinners and night time things came much later)

MCF86 · 03/01/2026 10:10

OP, have you had any one on one time with your older girls while DH spends time with baby (even all at home)? That might be a way you can test the waters before the event.

Sharptonguedwoman · 03/01/2026 10:12

doigetthedonut · 02/01/2026 19:33

@vanillalattesgenuine question, is it normal for most mums to have had more than an hour away at his age? Bearing in mind most would be on mat leave anyway?

Of course. Leave with other parent or responsible adult while you go shopping or for a coffee. My parents took my baby for 24 hrs when she was about 3 months and I was really ill, D and V and ExDp was away. I went back to work shortly after (different story)
All sounds a bit much tbh.

Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 03/01/2026 10:13

@doigetthedonut i can understand your feelibgs here. If you dont want to go, then dont. My friend and family member booked a spa day for my birthday when dc2 was 6 months old. I didnt go. I really really didnt want to.

Nanny0gg · 03/01/2026 10:13

doigetthedonut · 02/01/2026 19:33

@vanillalattesgenuine question, is it normal for most mums to have had more than an hour away at his age? Bearing in mind most would be on mat leave anyway?

Yes.

To get their hair/nails done

To go for a coffee with a friend

To pop to the shops.

I find it more worrying that you don't like not holding the baby all the time. That'll be a struggle when they're older and you go back to work or you need to do other things

Nanny0gg · 03/01/2026 10:14

doigetthedonut · 03/01/2026 09:34

I hear everyone’s comments and accept IABU. It was good to hear this, thank you, it’s put some things into perspective.

Try and enjoy the show

You may surprise yourself

Toddlerteaplease · 03/01/2026 10:16

Let your DH have a chance to parent his daughter. He needs to bond with her too. It seems like he’s barely getting a look in.

EatYourDamnPie · 03/01/2026 10:19

Fakewelsh · 03/01/2026 09:56

Ignore everyone who is saying it’s unhealthy to be so attached to your baby.

She is 6 months which is still so tiny. I struggled leaving both of my children when they were that small and no I haven’t created problems by being with them constantly.

Taking breaks is important but only when you are ready and willing to do so. I went to a gig when my baby was 6 months as I’d committed before being pregnant and I hated it. I went because I felt pressured as people kept telling me I needed a break. And I counted down the clock the whole time and ended up leaving early as I just wanted to be with my baby. I didn’t even enjoy the gig even they it was my favourite artists as I was clock watching and feeling uncomfortable. When my baby was 9 months I was much happier going out without her.

Dont be pressured if it isn’t something you want to do. It’s not something you need to unpick or explore. Every mother is different and will have different feelings about spending time with their babies.

Why this baby and not the other two children she has? Something is different. What?

MyBrightPeer · 03/01/2026 10:19

It’s fine to take things at your own pace but would really question why you can’t be separated from THIS baby compared to your other children. That’s a bit odd - I’d maybe expect it more from a first time parent. Not being able to be away from your child for more than an hour is not healthy and won’t help you when you need to go back to work.

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