Who is unreasonable, me or DH?

[doigetthedonut]

I have a 6mo. Never been away from her for more than an hour, apart from sleeping but we’re in the same room. I do have a hard time putting her down during the day, I’m happiest when I’m holding her. A very kind family member bought me tickets to a show for Christmas in a few weeks (DD will be 7mo). It is the kind of thing I’d usually enjoy. I am dreading it. I do not want to go. I told dh that I don’t think I can, he’s insisting I go. I will 100% be wishing I wasn’t there the whole time. I like the family member a lot and enjoy their company so it’s not that, it’s being away from dd. Dh says that it’s not right to be so dreading being away from her for an evening. To me it feels natural, I just want to be with her.

DD isn’t my first Dc but I didn’t get like this before; I could enjoy an evening out and be fine. I do 95% of DD’s care, dh will take her if I want a shower etc but otherwise I have her and do all of her feeding, changing etc.

The show and travel etc will be about 5 hours. I am really upset that I will be away from DD that long and dh is forcing me to go. I have no issues with dh looking after her, it’s not that. She’s also formula fed so it’s not breastfeeding logistics. Am I being unreasonable or is DH?

Yes I had left both mine with either DH or my parents by the time they were 7 months, I was still breastfeeding then both times so wouldn’t have been for 5h but definitely more than an hour

Both of mine stayed with my mum about once a month from 8 weeks old. I would have gone insane otherwise. I also did KIT days and the usual stuff of going into town or to get my hair done without them.

To me your level of attachment is baffling tbh, but if it’s how you feel it’s how you feel.

I’d worry that you’re excluding DH from bonding with her though, and your other kid(s) must be needing your undivided attention sometimes.

Is the other DC a boy?

my first child was nine months before I had a couple of hours out in the evening. We are all fine and well adjusted. My three are all adults. I’m glad I spent that time with her. I wanted to.

He can fuck off insisting. It’s completely up to you. I didn’t like leaving either of mine at that age and wouldn’t have for something like this. They have fantastic relationships with their dad. I bf and at 6 months one didn’t really do solids and wouldn’t take a bottle.

How’s your relationship with your other child, do they live with you?

I have to say, I think many mothers get selfish, and think they own their child. They want their child's love only for themselves. They don't even want the child to be with other people.

When it is actually good for a child to spend time with other people.

I'm going to be honest I know two people who behaved like this with their child and both eventually sought professional help for postpartum depression. Although not before one of them had a relationship breakdown because they didn't want to seek support and wouldn't allow their partner to parent his own child alone.

It really isn't typical behaviour and I'm wondering like others how you can't see that this, especially because you have another child whom you did leave. I do wonder if the gender of the baby is the difference here.

My advice would be to seek support asap and recognise your partner is trying to help.

I have 3 DD’s.

You are being unreasonable yes, I do empathise with you though. 😊

What’s different though? Why do you feel clinger to this baby? What’s changed?

same father for all? Big age gap? Final 100% baby?

Whats making her your world?

How are your other daughters.

The longer you leave it, the harder you are going to find it to have time away from her at all. Bite the bullet now or it'll be you sobbing your eyes out as she goes to nursery, as well as her who will be too dependent on mummy 🙁

How old are your other two DD's. If they are still children/ teens, when do they get time with their mum , as the priority?
Your dh must feel like a spare part, he's not being given much of a chance to parent .
I suspect your dh doesn't think this is a healthy dynamic for you, baby,'him or the two other DD's.
Which is why he's keen for you to go out with a friend for a few hours.

YABVU, I feel for your older children.

With kindness
this setup isn’t helping DD she only you as care giver
DH must feel pushed out and not trusted
your other 2 DD are missing out

Yes, your behaviour sounds very suffocating and may provoke separation anxiety. You say yourself that you didn't behave this way with your other child.

At what point do you plan to leave her with your husband and do other things occasionally?

You do what’s right for you, the person who’s bought the tickets should understand and your DH.

Yes, it's normal for Mums to spend more than one hour away from their child in 7 months. Very very normal. Even when they're on maternity leave. I mean, you do you, but it ain't normal and the sooner you break this habit of dependency on your child it will be better for both of you.

I would say its very unusual to not have had more than an hour away from your 7 month old. It really doesnt sound healthy to me but its no one else's business (obviously you've asked on here but I wouldn't comment in real life)

Yes it is normal. I personally didn’t really with my second. I was with her a lot more and didn’t feel the need to leave her. But I wasn’t terrified to do so and would have been able to enjoy a night at a show.
In the kindest possible way, you may be suffering with some postpartum anxiety that needs addressing?

It’s completely up to you. Neither of you are unreasonable in my opinion, he is more so for making out your bond is pathological and abnormal. My littlest is nearly three and the longest I have been away from her is once, for three hours. But I left her with her Dad so even though I missed her, he’s the person I trust most apart from myself.

At 7mo, I couldn’t have left for five hours, but someone doing so is also absolutely fine to me, I’m just saying I wouldn’t.

It’s up to you. I find it bizarre that someone assumed you’d want a theatre ticket with a young baby.

This all sounds rather unhealthy to be honest. It's wonderful that you want to spend time with your child, but what about Dad, when does he get to spend time with your daughter? You have another child too, so where is this child, whilst you are focusing on your daughter??? Is your husband spending all his time with your eldest??? You have TWO children, not one, so you have to make sure both your children are getting time with you and your husband.

I'd booked a concert before I found out I was pregnant, so my son was 6 weeks old, and I went to a concert in my hometown with my husband. I was breastfeeding as well! You need to start leaving your daughter and your other child with your husband, even if it's just for an hour, to start with.

Your husband needs to bond with his daughter, and also he needs to be able to cope with both children on his own.

I didn't go out a lot when my son was very young, but I did go out for a few hours and leave him in the care of his Dad. You are not just a Mum or a wife, you are your own person, not an extension of your children. Having adult time is healthy. Having time to yourself is healthy. Spending time with your husband, just the two of you is healthy.

This sounds extremely unhealthy. 20 years ago we all had to go back to work when our DCs were 6 months old.

Yabu but not intentionally. I think DH is worried about you and trying to help.

I don't think your oh is unreasonable for thinking you should go, forcing is another thing altogether though. It should be your decision.

And how old are your other DDs?

They're going to get jealous and feel pushed put by baby DD if they notice you devoting all your attention to her

It's not healthy tbh to deny your entire life to hold her

You're also denying your DH chance to bond with his DD