Who is unreasonable, me or DH?

[doigetthedonut]

I have a 6mo. Never been away from her for more than an hour, apart from sleeping but we’re in the same room. I do have a hard time putting her down during the day, I’m happiest when I’m holding her. A very kind family member bought me tickets to a show for Christmas in a few weeks (DD will be 7mo). It is the kind of thing I’d usually enjoy. I am dreading it. I do not want to go. I told dh that I don’t think I can, he’s insisting I go. I will 100% be wishing I wasn’t there the whole time. I like the family member a lot and enjoy their company so it’s not that, it’s being away from dd. Dh says that it’s not right to be so dreading being away from her for an evening. To me it feels natural, I just want to be with her.

DD isn’t my first Dc but I didn’t get like this before; I could enjoy an evening out and be fine. I do 95% of DD’s care, dh will take her if I want a shower etc but otherwise I have her and do all of her feeding, changing etc.

The show and travel etc will be about 5 hours. I am really upset that I will be away from DD that long and dh is forcing me to go. I have no issues with dh looking after her, it’s not that. She’s also formula fed so it’s not breastfeeding logistics. Am I being unreasonable or is DH?

Same here. I would have LOVED for my DH to encourage me to leave the baby for a few hours however it would never have been for as long as 5 purely for boob-related reasons.

When do your older DD’s get to be your world? I can’t imagine it’s been very nice for them being sidelined and unable to spend any time with you that you aren’t centring the baby.

Do what feels right FOR YOU, don’t go against your body and your instincts. Fuck everyone else.

If she is with her Dad she will enjoy some special time with him. It will enrich her little life. You could probably do with the rest but might not even realise it.x

This seems very combative. You're basically saying only the OPs opinions matter.

What about this child's father's opinions?

Her youngest daughters opinions as she grows?

Or perhaps most crucially her other children who never get 1-1 time with their own mother?

Saying they don't matter as much is ridiculous.

Lots of people seem to be projecting their own experiences here, OP, and I’d take some of these comments with a pinch of salt. I felt the same distress at the prospect of being apart from my third baby, and similarly was encouraged to go out and take trips away from him. It felt absolutely horrible when I did, and he didn’t sleep away from me either.

He’s 14 now and we have a completely normal non-symbiotic relationship.

Its unhealth for you. For the child. For your other child. For your husband.
This is all about you.
You need to stop this.

They don’t matter. The baby is 7 months old, so small, if the child was 7 years old then I would think differently.
right now she needs to follow her instincts and do what feels right.

It’s not the norm in the UK. Most mums would be taking a few hours to themselves at least quite frequently.
It’s a choice to be a baby wearer - and there are advocates for this choice , personally I think by now baby should be getting plenty of independent time to play and explore surroundings .

Who don’t matter? Her older kids and her husband?

The OPs other children don't matter? Her 7 month old doesn't matter and her husband doesn't matter? Just the OP? I can't believe anyone could be so quick to dismiss the needs of everyone else in this situation so readily.

So much for it takes a village.

Yes, it is normal for most mothers to be away from their baby at 6 or 7 months. It's borderline abnormal to have never been away from her for more than an hour.

Leave her with her dad for an afternoon. She'll be perfectly fine and so will you.

Yes, it’s normal to have an hour away from a 7month old, let alone one who will be with a parent.

YABU. It’s perfectly normal to miss your DC when you’re away from them, and 5 hours is a long time. But it sounds like your DH is more than capable of caring for your child, so what good reason do you have for not having some time for yourself? You might even enjoy yourself.

The way you write about it doesn’t seem healthy. Does your DH get any 121 bonding time with the baby? Does he want to?
Do you spend any 121 time with your other children? Do they get your time and attention?

In response to your question about whether or not most Mums will have spent more than an hour away from their 6 month old. I had three children very close in age and left them with my parents for a week when the youngest was 5 months old. So my husband and I could go on holiday together. The children had a lovely time with their grandparents and were perfectly happy. I was a SAHM for 10 years so they had plenty of time with me and I was very devoted to them. But I had no problem leaving them with my husband or parents if I needed to go to an appointment, see friends or go on date nights.

I this this is problematic, OP. I’m not saying force yourself to go (though I actually think you should), but indeed it’s not terribly healthy. I understand a night away - though I had a night away when my twins were 3 months old (everyone is different) but an evening show at 6m? I think high anxiety over that is a problem.

You have 3 DDs but you only feel this way about this DD. It’s worth working out why because it doesn’t sound healthy. And I wonder it DH insisting is his worry coming out.

I don’t understand why you’re asking this question if this is not your first baby?! what did you do the first two times? Why is this time different?

i never understand how supposedly most mums on MN are able to leave their babies at such a young age, don’t they need to get used to an alternative caregiver first? both my kids would have freaked out and screamed the whole time.

I would think that your do is very worried about your behaviour. This seems to be out of character for you as other babies you haven’t behaved in this way.

Why would a child of 7 months be freaked out about being left with their other parent or loving relative?

Most children a few months older than this will be doing settling in sessions for childcare. It's pretty normal for a child to be comfortable around more than one person.

Decide for yourself and refuse to be subjected to persuasion. Don't tolerate being nagged to go, if you decide not to. If it's causing you a lot of distress just don't go, there's going to be other opportunities in the future. And be assertive about your decision.

If this were your first baby I'd think you were being over anxious and it wasn't healthy for you, the baby or their dad. But behaving like this when you have other children is not normal. Are you spending any individual time with them?

I hear everyone’s comments and accept IABU. It was good to hear this, thank you, it’s put some things into perspective.