Friend being unreasonable .?

[Aprilmaymum]

Happy new year everyone.
Friend of DP arrived at our house on New year eve saying his wife and him having problems and can he stay the one night. We agreed to one night only as to be honest we don’t have the space. New year day he was still here and still here now. DP explained that with three young children we cannot accommodate him . He is sleeping on our sofa and doesn’t get up on the morning so we are walking around him. DP spoke to him this morning again and he said he would help us out anytime which made my DP feel guilty. I want him gone. Apparently his wife has said she doesn’t want him back and has changed the locks and no one else will have him. One night was fine but I honestly think we should be saying he has to go where as DP said we should give him until after the weekend. What are other thoughts ?

This👍
While teaching your children to be doormats. If you want your children to grow up as strong, positive people you need to model it to them, promote healthy boundaries.

Look, I could be wrong and I'm happy to accept it if I am but this is bullshit. The atmosphere wouldn't be fair on his kids? But it's fine to turn up at your house where your kids are then refuse to leave? What??

Also, his wife wants to be alone because she wants to find herself? Again, you what? Very few people would kick their spouse and parent to their children out during the festive period to find themselves. Something else has gone down. He did something.

So yeah, bullshit bullshit bullshit. Fuck off back to your house and sort your crap out there.

I'd speak to him directly, as your partner seems to be a complete wet lettuce in dealing with him.

Dave you need to pack up and go. I'm not asking you - I am telling you. I hope you and Jane manage to get things sorted out, but you cannot stay on my sofa indefinitely whilst you do. You being here is impacting my family and my children. I want you out of here within the next hour; if you need to sort accommodation out for tonight, you can do that sitting in a pub or coffee shop.

You need to insist he goes now. Tell him he has an option to go home and if it's not fair on his kids, that's sad - but it absolutely isn't fair on your kids either and his kids are not your problem, but yours are!! I can't believe you have still got him on the house!! He's a user.

mu husband travels 30 miles to work its not an excuse to not find somewhere to go

She wants him gone so he needs to stay away.

Rubbish. Unless it's her house which she owns in her name and he doesn't pay a penny for.

If it's a joint house, one person can't unilaterally decide the other one has to leave so they can find themselves.

he said the atmosphere wouldn’t be fair on the kids

Yet the atmosphere he's creating for you and your kids is just peachy?!

What an arse.

It'll start getting dark in 2 hours, OP. Then he won't leave because it's cold/dark. Then he won't leave tomorrow because it's a Sunday and nowhere is open, then he'll be back at work and 'will be out of the house in the daytime and only need the sofa at night time'.

Someone needs to start getting cross with him. He will have to go home or put his hand in his pockets and pay for accommodation seeing as he has clearly burnt his bridges with everyone he knows.

This is nonsense. If he was abusive he most likely wouldn’t have willingly left in the first place. If he is, then there are channels to follow but unlawfully ousting someone from their home isn’t the answer as they can re-enter.
It’s more likely she just wants out of the marriage and doesn’t want the inconvenience of sharing a home with him during the separation.

His wife should not change the locks. She has done so which indicates she doesn’t want him back.
I’m sorry you’ve had a bad experience but you’re assuming he’s in some way abusive and backing the DW’s unlawful actions without any info. Lots of people share a home while separated. The OP clearly isn’t in a position to house him for what will likely take a minimum of several months.

The current atmosphere is not fair on your kids...

For God’s sake, the usual Mumsnet histrionics.
To want him gone is fine, but normal people don’t treat their friends this ⬆️ way.

Oh, come on! He's playing you the same way he played your husband - and you know it! Let him away with this and he'll still be on your sofa in February.

'That's enough now Dave, you're stalling. I need you gone in the next half hour. You have had days to sort out where you're going and you still haven't , because your plan all along was to stay here. Enough. Pack your stuff, get into your car, and drive. I don't care where to.'

So what if he works close by and so wants to live close by? He'll just have to get up earlier to get that further distance to work, that's all. Not. Your. Problem.

For god's sake... go upstairs and put on your big girl pants.

Load his stuff in his car and say "okay good luck with finding somewhere locally... as an fyi most people consider an hour each way commute acceptable/normal"

As per my previous post...
Hope isnt a strategy.

Just tell him to book a Travelodge or Holiday inn. Your dh takes charge here

So, it's now dark and very very cold.

Has he gone, or is he banking on the fact that you won't turf him out into aforementioned dark and cold?

You and your husband are mugs.
He couldn't care less about your family, just cares about his own.
Honestly, we teach people how to treat us.
This doesn't happen to people who simply wouldn't entertain it.
I feel sorry for your children.
You are both putting his comfort, his family ahead of this lump being on your sofa.
He's a user.

He has just left. Gone back to his home after talking for most of the day with his wife.
My kids were all good as they were with the in-laws today. He is deep down a nice person. His wife always rules the roost from what I have learnt and threatens to kick him out regularly. We are soft people I do agree with a lot of your comments and that’s probably why he came to us but I am not changing to adapt to others.
thank you all for your comments and support.

Op you just a kind person. Enjoy your evening with just your family x

Thank goodness for that! At least now you and your DH will know NEVER to allow anyone looking for a roof over their head to stay at yours, even for one night!!

Your DH asked him to leave and he simply didn’t?

This.
It isn't being kind to allow yourself and your house to be used and abused, certainly not when you have children.
He was asked to leave by your husband and refused? Really?
And you are ok with that?
Extraordinary.
Look at your priorities, your user friend certainly know his!
Not you or your family whom he was happy to inconvenience.

I’m glad he’s gone and I hope you enjoy the rest of the weekend with your family 😊

If it's both their house she can't change the locks and kick him out just like that.
I don't know whether the police could get involved

Thank goodness. A lesson learned for the future that you put your kids first.

Does he jointly own or own the house that is wife has thrown him out of? I don't think you can just throw a spouse out of a house and change the locks under UK law. He may have a legal right to remain there. Why is he not pursuing this?

I bet his wife has caught him having an affair and any mental distress is wholly self inflicted