My cousin “loves her DD more than a normal mother”

[Sally20099]

This sounds petty, and it probably is, but I’m getting rather fed up of my cousin constantly telling me I wouldn’t understand how much love she has for her DD because she is “special” (ie she needed IVF to conceive and waited many years for this to materialise). It’s now been over a year and my cousin still goes on about this, and in all seriousness regularly announces or implies that those who conceive naturally can not love their own children as much because her struggle was so immense (and btw I’m not suggesting it wasn’t anything other than heartbreaking). AIBU if I say something and end this nonsense or should I just put up with it?

Shit. You have been through a lot. Tbh, you must be pretty special to have such a great attitude after all that. x

This response to me tells me otherwise. Do you question everybody that has trauma or just the ones that suit the narrative? For what it's worth, my infertility trauma is very real.

🤷🏻‍♀️ Are you a dick to people because of it like OP’s cousin?

I think describing it as ‘loving more’ or the love or child being ‘more special’ is simplistic and tone deaf, but yes I do think there must often be a difference in the way people who have struggled with fertility feel about parenthood and their children. Not better, just different.

I'd also say the cousin can't understand how she feels, not having conceived naturally either.

Reminds me of the twats who will tell people without children than they cant possibly understand love. It is obnoxious in the extreme and I would be telling her to knock it off.

I understand what you’re saying but to be honest, I’m still here because I have no other choice, not because I am particularly brave or strong. I have other children and I need to be here for them (and those who love me) You would all do the same although I truly hope you’ll never have cause to test this out.

I know it’s thoughtlessness and not malice behind such comments and to be honest I’d rather have this said than people cross the street to avoid me as I’ve seen a so called friend do recently.

I had 8 rounds of fertility treatment, found the prospect of not having children very traumatic and am so very blessed with my beautiful baby.

She is no more special than any other child, other than in my eyes (as every parent should feel of course!)

I will admit that I am very open about her being conceived by IVF and do often talk about it (probably a combination of trying to process the trauma and also a desire to make infertility less of a taboo subject). Maybe your cousin feels similar, but I dont think it is unreasonable to point out that it isnt fair to say her child is more special or loved than anyone else's- a) because she has no idea how anyone else feels their love for their own children, and b) because IVF was her struggle, not something that is part of her child's personality.

I had this as well, from my childminder of all people. Telling me she could never leave her kids with anyone else to look after.

I held my tongue, but wanted to tell her a thing or two.

I didn't like the insinuation that I was less of a mother, because I was going to work.

No I'm not and like I've said in previous replies, maybe not to your posts, the cousin is wrong but there will be more to it than her simply loving her children more. She likely won't be doing it out of malice and she could probably benefit from therapy.

I'll tell you my truth though, my infertility and trauma has taken me to dark places of jealousy and resentment, I've thought horrible thoughts and have struggled and still struggle to congratulate people who are pregnant etc... these unreasonable, uncontrollable feelings are awful and wrong but there's a reason behind it. I'm not a bad person, I've got trauma and it's highly likely that the cousin isn't a bad person either, just somebody stuck in a traumatic cycle.

One cup of tea = big risks 😲 she's a t*at

I couldn't have said this better. I miscarried just before I became pregnant with my son, and the whole pregnancy was laced with fear and obsessiveness. Then during birth I thought he and I were going to die. I feel incredibly bonded to him through the trauma of it all, and sometimes the obsessiveness that accompanies this can feel like a stronger attachment than I see with other mothers who are less fearful and able to have a more healthy relationship to their children. I always felt that mine was rooted in trauma and unhealthy. I've lost many babies since and my son is now truly my miracle - it doesn't mean I believe he is objectively special, but he means everything to me. Your cousin/sister fought so hard to have that baby there. IVF is brutal and often soul destroying. i doubt she is meaning to imply her baby is more special than anyone elses but she probably is just clumsily articulating how insanely happy she is and how incredible she finds her child.

I actually had this from more than one childminder. I think a lot of women become childminders so they can work without leaving their own children, and are quite judgy about other women who make different choices. But it did always strike me as quite foolish to make this obvious to potential clients!

Just let it wash over you

I think it’s obvious that the cousin has struggled but it’s still no excuse for being a complete dick. Everyone thinks bad things in their head at times, and everyone has their struggles in life. It’s been a year of the cousin harping on now and announcing at random times how her love is deeper for her child. A year’s enough time for OP to put up with hearing that shit. If I could be arsed saying something I would, if I couldn’t then I’d just distance myself from her completely.

Depends.
If you see her at Christmas and Easter and she comes ut with the line once or twice a visit, I'd roll my eyes and ignore.
If you see her regularly and it's a main topic of conversation, I'd say, 'Look, cousin, I am over the moon for you that you have a child. I can't imagine how hard it was for you over the years. But really, you cannot rank mothers' love for their children. It doesn't come across well. Let's just take it as read that we both love our children more than we can put into words and go and do something fun.' [well, I say I would - I'd probably still say nothing because I am a total wimp!]

I had an operation followed by emergency surgery and a blood transfusion plus having to wait to heal before even trying to conceive which took a year. I still got someone telling me how easy I had it because many people are oblivious to the struggles of anyone other than themselves.

Ops SIL clearly has no interest in understanding ops experience but wants everyone to be conscious of her situation.

No one knows how much someone else loves their child but someone who goes on about it is weird! I’d ignore her as it sounds exhausting!

And 'when you have a c-section, it's not a real birth...' 🙄 Errrrm my baby was born dude, it was a birth!

And yeah, even though I'm a mum, I think it's batshit to say childfree people cannot experience or understand love. But, when it comes to cats... if you have never had a cat you don't know what love is.....

(half) joking!

But why? if it's hurting and upsetting the OP, why should she let it wash over her......? The cousin needs to be told by her - or someone- to put a sock in it!

@Barnbrack What a beautifully articulate post. Thank you for sharing.

Every Mum thinks their child is special, because the child is hers. The difference is, your sister/cousin believes her child is more special than anyone else's! She's not going to endear herself to other people if she carries on like this. No one is disputing her fertility struggles, but to claim she loves her child more than you (or anyone else) is just batty and ridiculous!!

I'm petty but I'd reply every time with "yes, so you keep saying. Anyway...."

It's annoying isn't it. You wouldn't expect it from a childminder.

It filled me with glee to reduce her hours when I started my DD in nursery for 3 days a week.. then she had the cheek to try telling me she was too young to go to nursery (at 2 years old)...I told her I wanted DD to interact with more children for her development.

I agree - all children are special
I have a friend you say “how are the kids”
you get “theyre amazing”
or its parents evening she’s like “oh it was amazing and they’re amazing”
massive eye roll between me and the other parents….
just ridiculous