9yo step daughter spending 10-13 hours per day on her phone. Should DH step in?

[TakeALookAtTheseSwatches]

DH bought his daughter a phone for her 9th birthday in September. The idea was so he could keep in touch with her while she's not here (he has her 50% of the time, week on, week off)

When she is here we have screen restrictions which are the same as our other kids; no screen time on weekdays other than to check messages (we do allow some TV) and on a weekend/school holidays they can have up to 2 hours (usually one on a morning and one on an evening)

However, when she's at her Mum's house she has asked DH to unrestrict her phone, having looked on the family link app she is spending at least 10 hours a day on her phone, split between YouTube and Roblox. The longest time in a single day was 13.5 hours. DH seems to think that because it's her Mum's house it should be her rules but I'm worried it's going to have a detrimental affect on her and I feel like DH could keep timed restrictions on YouTube etc even while she's not here. I'm especially worried as her behaviour has become significantly worse over the past few months and I think this is what's causing it.

YABU - when she's at her Mum's house it's her rules
YANBU - as her parent DH can keep the restrictions on her phone.

IMO the problem here is not how long she spends on screens; it’s the fact that your DH saw fit to buy a 9 year old a smartphone at all - it’s absolute insanity. Unsupervised access to YouTube and Roblox?!? Come on, you can’t have thought this was alright when he bought it, surely?!

absolute madness that she was bought a smart phone on the first place. Why does she need a smart phone to make phone calls? Just get rid of it. They are addictive. It’s like asking an alcoholic not to drink the bottle of wine you place before them.

Don’t take it off cold Turkey because phones are the new cigarette try and wean her off it a bit at a time otherwise it probably won’t work

Agree it was a bad decision to get her a phone so early. At the very least he should put time restrictions on using Family Link. He's created this situation, now he has to step up and parent. Was he having trouble contacting her before the phone?

It’s his daughter, and you both have to ask if it’s his problem? 🤦‍♀️

Her father should give himself a kick up the arse and not let you serve as his parenting brain because he's too lazy to think about it.

He's her dad. He shouldn't have to be told this stuff, and he should be in better communication with her mum.

He's an idiot, all she needed was a phone where she could call or text him. Why on earth does she even have YouTube and Roblox on her phone?! Parents can approve all apps on their child's phone, its basic safety! He should never have approved these for a NINE year old at all!

Not your child, not your problem. Your DH should get control though. Too much.

Between her Mum and Dad. Unlikely to be such a big deal onces she's back at school anyways

Yes, that's why he bought it. The comments about not buying a smart phone in the first place are fair enough but we don't necessarily have a problem with her being on apps/games with restrictions but the length of time is the problem imo.

Yes he should step in. Honestly it's far, far harder to roll back once you've got the phone than it is to just refuse the phone in the first place. There's no need for a smart phone in order to stay in touch so that doesn't fly. He's going to have to deal with rolling back her use of it now.

This is what happens when a 9yo has a smartphone.

She's had the phone since September, even on school days she's spending 6 or 7 hours on there, basically the entire time she's not at school.

She should have been brought a brick phone, or no phone at all. The problem with these devices is that children cannot self regulate.

When you say "she has asked DH to unrestrict her phone", do you mean her Mum has asked, or your step daughter has asked?

Quite, absolutely ridiculous.

And surely the whole point of the restrictions is that parents regulate it for them?

Her Mum asked DH to take the restrictions off.

Surely your DH needs to have a conversation with his ex about what is screen time but ultimately, when in her mother’s care it is up to her how to parent. However, your DH could change the permissions for how much time she is allowed to play on her phone regardless of the home she is at.

This.

The mother is being pretty neglectful tbh. A 9 year old doesn’t need a phone in the first place and Roblox is an absolute hard no, it’s detrimental to their attention span at best and actively very dangerous at worst.

I’d be careful jumping to conclusions. My kid has an iPad and leaves it running in her room when she’s nowhere near it. It does say 13h YouTube but she’s 100% not on it anywhere near that. Also, does she have siblings there? They may also be using it.

I understand your concerns but yabu. It's her mum's house, her mum's rules. Just like when she's at your house, it's your and your DH's rules. You can only ever control your own household, not someone else's.

Yes, but once they have it, they nag and nag to be on it all the time. Which is probably what is happening at her mum’s house. She should not have been given it in the first place.

Yes I think he should keep the same set restrictions on the phone irrespective of whose week it is. Ideally I'd say it should just be a camera that texts, not data. But failing that I would block apps and limit time. You can use family link so she can still text and call when she's out of time.