9yo step daughter spending 10-13 hours per day on her phone. Should DH step in?

[TakeALookAtTheseSwatches]

DH bought his daughter a phone for her 9th birthday in September. The idea was so he could keep in touch with her while she's not here (he has her 50% of the time, week on, week off)

When she is here we have screen restrictions which are the same as our other kids; no screen time on weekdays other than to check messages (we do allow some TV) and on a weekend/school holidays they can have up to 2 hours (usually one on a morning and one on an evening)

However, when she's at her Mum's house she has asked DH to unrestrict her phone, having looked on the family link app she is spending at least 10 hours a day on her phone, split between YouTube and Roblox. The longest time in a single day was 13.5 hours. DH seems to think that because it's her Mum's house it should be her rules but I'm worried it's going to have a detrimental affect on her and I feel like DH could keep timed restrictions on YouTube etc even while she's not here. I'm especially worried as her behaviour has become significantly worse over the past few months and I think this is what's causing it.

YABU - when she's at her Mum's house it's her rules
YANBU - as her parent DH can keep the restrictions on her phone.

I wouldn’t be happy with a 9 year old having a phone at all. I am away from my dc travelling for weeks at a time sometimes. They don’t need a phone to contact me. They have another parent who is perfectly capable of parenting and can reach out to me if needed.

But if he insists on her having a phone, it needs to be seriously restricted. 1-2 hours a day and I’d be allowing calls and messages only. No YouTube, no Roblox, no social media. Roblox is literally paedo central.

The problem with allowing the phone at her mum’s is that he isn’t present to properly monitor it. Someone needs to be actively checking it daily. The only 9 year old I know who had a phone was similar, living 50/50 between mum and dad. She was on TikTok posting all sorts of ‘sexy’ photos and had weirdos like ‘BigDaddy69’ following her because neither of her parents was present enough to take charge of monitoring her phone and keeping her safe. It got to the point that I had to stop sleepovers and play dates because I couldn’t guarantee my own dd would be safe given her unrestricted access to the internet.

Your daughter is in danger with that much online time.

I can tell you as a parent of a 13 year old i massively regret giving him access to a phone with apps..the Internet.. Snapchat. My younger child im being much stricter with

Obviously he is just as responsible as her mother if she is spending every waking minute on the phone

Lets not hide from the truth its absolutely gross that a child would spend that much time in front of any screen...let alone a smart phone

She should be playing outdoors or with her toys...reading...drawing ....

Your husband is mad if he is not getting immediately involved to take the phone away

Thanks for all the replies. I do agree that in hindsight he should have just got her a brick phone, but my aibu was whether it would be overstepping for him to restrict access even when she's at her Mum's house, not whether he should have bought the phone in the first place.

No 9-year-old needs a smartphone. This child has shown that she can't self-regulate and her mother doesn't seem to care about the unlimited screen time, so as a parent your DH should step in IMO. In his shoes I would probably take the phone away from her entirely and replace it with a brick phone. He could have avoided all the stress by not giving her a smartphone in the first place. What was he thinking?

That's a tough one as he shouldn't have bought her the phone without discussing boundaries with her mum. You have no control over what she does at her Mum's so I guess you just need to live with it and enforce the rules at your house or the phone stays at your house.

1st thing you are taught in a Child Exploitation course I attended that was provided by the police, is that Roblox is seriously unsafe for children. I would never allow a child access after what I learnt.

I suppose the other problem at this point is that if DH does take the phone away her Mum might just replace it and then DH would have no control at all other than when she's at our house.

A 9 year old doesn't need a phone. Take it off her and give it back in high school.

Regardless of what his ex wants - he initiated this by buying the phone in the first place.

In the ideal world he should have agreed this and the appropriate limits before giving his daughter the phone.

That conversation should probably still happen

But assuming it won't - I would use this an opportunity for him to engage his daughter in solving the problem together.

A chat about the positives and negatives of having a smartphone and how setting limits on phone usage/app usage is important.

Discuss and agree with her what this will look like. Make it feel cooperative and that she has some level of control over the outcome - a bit like teaching good money budget managing skills.

You can be quite specific with app time limits and still have access to the phone for calls/messaging etc. Set overnight downtime as a non-negotiable.

This. The poor mum- your DH put her in this shit situation. Step daughter could have had a simple phone to text him with.

Don't be ridiculous. Don't your DH and the mum work together at all? Are they constantly undermining each other? You can have a box she has to place it in after her time is up, for example.

Nothing to do with you.

If he’s not willing to be a responsible parent the bad guy, or go against his ex because he doesn’t think it’s worth the hassle you’ve got some very rough years ahead of you.

There’s no point anyone having a go at you for a stupid decision he made, it’s not your fault! But it’s done now so if he really won’t step up and her mum wants to parent by screen I can only suggest disengaging as much as you can for your own wellbeing. Explain to your own kids that you’re doing the right thing by them restricting screens and that she has different parents and so it’s not their concern. It’s not easy but you’ve got very limited options as a step parent.

So he got a smart phone and now isn’t happy with how long she’s on it when at her mums when his the one who made it so she had a phone there.

Actions and consequences.

He cannot control what she does at her mother‘s house, the mother should have just banned the phone full stop but then I’m sure your dh would of had a problem with that since his seemingly tracking his daughters activities via the phone. Location as well I guess….

I voted YABU for her having a smartphone at that age, the day you let your child have access to a smartphone is the day their childhood ends. Melodramatic I know, but also true..

Please read up about Roblox. It’s so dangerous for kids. there is much research out there on the numbers of adults interacting with kids on it.

I would take Roblox and you tube off her phone and any other unfettered access to the internet like safari.

Leave her with being able to message, talk anc listen to music ect.. which could be unrestricted at her mothers. I can see from the mother’s point of view it is annoying to have someone else controlling access to it. But the two of them really need to sit down and come up with a plan to protect the child.

Reading this I wonder if he had checked with Mum first.

Because if I was Mum and my ex had bought my 9yo a smartphone, I'd put the phone going so it looked like she was doing ridiculous hours and get him worked up about how much time she was spending.
Then tell him he has to be the one to take it away from her...

Smart move, Mum!

The poor Mum who wants her child to have unrestricted access to the internet?

No he checked and her reply was "of course I was going to buy her one soon anyway"

Prior to the phone from your dh the child clearly did not have such access.

Wouldn’t surprise me if the PP was right and she’s done it to prove a point about the phone being in her home full stop.

I think really both of her parents need to have a conversation about it and reach a consensus

Yes, they shouldn’t dictate what happens in each others houses but they are both still her parents and have joint responsibility for her health and wellbeing

I really don't think that giving her a phone with restricted access so he can contact her means that he should just deal with the fact she's unrestricted on what can be dangerous apps for up to 13 hours a day?

I'm not going to go all precious about the fact she has a smartphone, its the modern day most kids have phones.

But smartphones without restrictions or limits at that age is a HUGE risk to eye health, sleep and safety

She hasn't. She was very happy for her to have a phone.

A brick phone would have been better than smart phone. Swap it over to a brick if he really needs contact with his daughter while she’s at mums. Roblox should definitely be deleted. Unrestricted access to you tube is also a no. My daughter was on kids tube sat next to me and a Barbie doll video came up that was showing a disturbing scene. Can I ask why he needs direct contact with his daughter while in mums care? Can he not ring mum to speak to his daughter?