9yo step daughter spending 10-13 hours per day on her phone. Should DH step in?

[TakeALookAtTheseSwatches]

DH bought his daughter a phone for her 9th birthday in September. The idea was so he could keep in touch with her while she's not here (he has her 50% of the time, week on, week off)

When she is here we have screen restrictions which are the same as our other kids; no screen time on weekdays other than to check messages (we do allow some TV) and on a weekend/school holidays they can have up to 2 hours (usually one on a morning and one on an evening)

However, when she's at her Mum's house she has asked DH to unrestrict her phone, having looked on the family link app she is spending at least 10 hours a day on her phone, split between YouTube and Roblox. The longest time in a single day was 13.5 hours. DH seems to think that because it's her Mum's house it should be her rules but I'm worried it's going to have a detrimental affect on her and I feel like DH could keep timed restrictions on YouTube etc even while she's not here. I'm especially worried as her behaviour has become significantly worse over the past few months and I think this is what's causing it.

YABU - when she's at her Mum's house it's her rules
YANBU - as her parent DH can keep the restrictions on her phone.

He can still just get a brick phone - and swap the SIM over.

More fool him for buying her a smart phone at 9yo (he could have kept in touch on a dumb phone). That’s a ridiculous and damaging amount of time and yes he should keep up the restrictions when she’s at her mum’s.

No, he wouldn’t be being unreasonable to have the same restrictions at her mum’s house. Presumably the restrictions were added for her well-being so they should continue in order to provide consistency. If her mum complains, all your DH needs to say is that she has restrictions at his house and he assumed her mum would appreciate restrictions too and that it would have been wrong of him not to provide them because they’re for their daughter’s wellbeing.

I’m guessing the daughter has been pestering her mum and that’s why she asked your DH to remove the restrictions. Tablets, phones, iPads are all evilly addictive, especially for the majority of children who simply can’t stop themselves playing Roblox, etc and watching mindless crap on YouTube. I found my DCs’ behaviour improved immensely once I put stricter limits in. They kicked off and got very shouty and grumpy at first, but that soon subsides and they actually start enjoying their toys, books, and physical games again, aswell as being in a better mood and sleeping better.

But you said earlier that your DH took the restrictions off at the mother’s request. So your DH is also allowing unrestricted access to the internet too.

He doesn't agree in the way that he thinks it's fine, he agreed because he thinks he can't be in charge of what she does while she's at her Mum's house.

For everyone placing the full blame on DH, yes he bought it but he did discuss it with her Mum and if her Mum had said no he wouldn't have bought her it. He has always respected her Mum's wishes hence why he's having trouble with going against her on this.

the poor mOm could have said No DD, Daddy has put the restrictions on there for a good reason. the rules apply at his AND here.

she didn't and that's her choice. she's chose to capitalise on the kid having a phone to get some peace and quiet, or so it seems!

Utter nonsense. The mum can parent and clearly can’t be arsed to!

honestly OP the only answer is a proper conversation between her parent.s. DH needs to pull up his bog boy pants and say to Mom that he's seen a change in her behaviour, given how much she's on it he assumes she's on it without Mom's full knowledge and he thinks they need to agree limits for both houses.

Your husband could solve both issues - the 9 year old having a smart phone, and the disagreement with the child's mother - by removing the smart phone and replacing it with a brick phone.

I agree with everything that's been said.

But in an effort to suggest a solution to a shit situation...

Is it possible in the app to give her allocated screen time per month (instead of per day) - that way he isn't restricting time at her mum's per se but if she burns it all in the first day or two then tough shit for the rest of the month?

I worry now that if he takes it away the mother will just replace it, she's had a taste of how easy 'parenting' is when you hand the responsibility over to the internet. 🤢

You’ve got to stay out of it, but yanbu 😬😬😬

ffs the mind boggles at this (not your fault OP) but ahh could scream. Whyyyyy are we giving smartphones to kids (especially primary school?!!!!) and then wondering why kids behaviour is shocking, anxiety etc through the roof etc.

How is it affecting you and your dc?

He was an idiot for buying her a smart phone.

She didnt have to have a smartphone, just to keep in touch.

She needs to be out doing other stuff or even in doing other stuff.

Sounds like shes well on the way to be a smartphone zombie.

You're not wrong, but it needs to be agreed between your DH and your step-daughter's mum. It's her mum that will need to police it/put up with any misbehaviour due to being denied access when she is at her house.

It was shortsighted to give his daugther a smartphone at such a young age anyway. He could have bought her a dumb phone for calls and texts, which is all she needs to 'stay in touch'. In fact, I'd probably take it off her and replace it with a dumb phone.

Does her mum know she's spending so much time on the phone? If she does, and can't or won't police her daughter's use of the phone, I really would take the phone back next time she's at your place and replace it with something simpler. If you're not prepared to do that, at the very least, I would set parental controls on it and daily time limits for app/internet use. There are details of how to do so on this website:

https://www.famiguard.com/parental-control/lock-your-childs-phone-remotely/

I don’t understand why the potential for this to happen wasn’t discussed before you bought her the phone. Especially as you have a strong view on limiting how long dsd is using the phone. You can obviously control what happens on your watch, but I would imagine if you try to instigate the same rules at her mums, there’s going to be pushback.

well you can't do anything about it? Its up to him to deal with whatever he decides to do.

The issue is your DH buying the phone.
Presumably, he agreed this with ex before the purchase and it is at this time of discussing that rules should have also been agreed. He needs to correct things as they stand as the 9 y.o. is too young to be held accountable and to manage things that are difficult for adults to do.

op has said he discussed it with Mom and Mom agreed.
he then put parental controls on to limit use at both houses.
Mom then asked for them to be removed.
This is a Mom problem not a Dad problem.
If Dad had said no, he'd be accused of being controlling to his ex and how she chooses to parent her child in her time and using the phone as a weapon etc.
If she can manage without excessive phone usage when she's at OP and Dad's house, then the issue is with Mom who a. has given into pester power or b. finds it useful having her child on tech for all her free time.

This is for your husband and his daughter’s mother to decide. You don’t get to have a say in what happens when the child isn’t in your care because she isn’t your child. If your husband feels it’s inappropriate then he can have a conversation with his daughter’s mum.

You’ve made your view clear to him but your involvement in the discussion should end there. You get a say when the child’s in your care, but at any other time it’s up to her parents.

She should not be on Roblox or YouTube unsupervised, I wouldn't have given a 9 year old a smart phone at all. I'd definitely leave the restrictions

My SD (now 15, but 10 when she got a phone) has restrictions turned on when with us, and her mum turns them off when she’s back with her. We turn them back on, she turns them off. There’s literally nothing we can do to stop it. Unfortunately when she’s not in your house, you really can’t control how her mum parents her. But I can tell you from our experience, it has absolutely had an extremely detrimental effect on my SD mental health (for sure when social media was allowed for her too) and has affected other abilities like concentration, patience, ability to hold conversations, enthusiasm about anything other than something on the phone, sleep, school work….. the list goes on. So don’t change what you’re doing for your biological kids! ❤️

She’s 9 and that amount of screen time is utterly ridiculous. Why the hell give a 9 year old a smart phone? Any minute now she’ll be exposed to porn, the algorithm always gets it in there somehow! Take the phone and buy her a dumb phone if you want to contact her.

If you can get him to swap it for a Nokia brick - do so - she is too young for a smartphone.

if he won’t swap it - the restrictions need to go back on it 24/7 no matter where the phone is and are locked down so only he can lift them.

if mum doesn’t like restrictions back on and feels child needs 24/7 access to apps etc - she can supply a tablet etc .

husband shouldn’t condone or enable this behaviour - kid is 9 - getting hooked on a phone now is not going to help her.

I agree with other posters your DH is an idiot, a 9 year old doesn't need a smartphone and should not be allowed all those hours on the phone. Doesn't your DH or the mother realise how bad it is for a child to be looking at a screen for that length of time plus the dangers of the Internet. They both need to parent that child. Pair of idiots.