9yo step daughter spending 10-13 hours per day on her phone. Should DH step in?

[TakeALookAtTheseSwatches]

DH bought his daughter a phone for her 9th birthday in September. The idea was so he could keep in touch with her while she's not here (he has her 50% of the time, week on, week off)

When she is here we have screen restrictions which are the same as our other kids; no screen time on weekdays other than to check messages (we do allow some TV) and on a weekend/school holidays they can have up to 2 hours (usually one on a morning and one on an evening)

However, when she's at her Mum's house she has asked DH to unrestrict her phone, having looked on the family link app she is spending at least 10 hours a day on her phone, split between YouTube and Roblox. The longest time in a single day was 13.5 hours. DH seems to think that because it's her Mum's house it should be her rules but I'm worried it's going to have a detrimental affect on her and I feel like DH could keep timed restrictions on YouTube etc even while she's not here. I'm especially worried as her behaviour has become significantly worse over the past few months and I think this is what's causing it.

YABU - when she's at her Mum's house it's her rules
YANBU - as her parent DH can keep the restrictions on her phone.

If she was on a laptop or pc you wouldn’t know.

You only know because your husband is tracking his daughters activities at her mothers house that’s a bit invasive really. I said before as well I assume the location tracker is also on so he can basically track his ex wives movements when out with her child on her time.

I wouldn’t be happy as the mother.

Sure you can be unhappy about the time I wouldn’t want mine of it for that long but you can’t control the other house however much you’d like to.

What kind of moron gives a 9 year old a smartphone in the first place 🙈

I don't think she should have any access, never-mind unfettered, but I don't know how you get this across to her mother without you seeming like you're overstepping.

Ah OK, I'll shift my sympathy from the mum to your step daughter for having two such irresponsible parents.

Nope I think it's fine for him to keep the restrictions on for the phone he bought. However, I agree with the pp who said you as step parent should try and avoid giving more of a shit than the actual parents do. Appreciate that it must be hard to stand by and watch.

I think this is one of those very important teaching moments where a parent has to admit they made a mistake. She won't like it but I think there's a far bigger lesson here in the long run.

There is a vast difference between technology that allows her to call her Mum/Dad when not with them and handing your child the World Wide Web and all that entails.

You clearly don't understand how these apps work. There are very strict limitations on YouTube kids, her account will presumably be set up with her real age. And Roblox now requires age verification and prevents minors from chatting with anyone outside of their very narrow age bracket. Parents can turn off the chat function and limit what kids can do on there. Things have improved greatly since all the headlines about it, having spent hours on there myself I've never actually come across anything inappropriate.

If the parental controls aren't being used then she still can't access horrible stuff because she will automatically be grouped into the lowest age category until she proves otherwise with ID.

Post deleted.

Yes everything is age restricted, however I still wouldn't want her being on it for hours with little to no supervision. As others have said though maybe I should stop caring as much and just leave them to it.

DH should tell mum he's concerned about the amount of time she's on the phone and say he's putting the restrictions back on.

There's plenty evidence to support the fact that too much screen time is detrimental. Just because she's at her mum's, he should still be concerned, but tread carefully with how he approaches it with mum.

Ultimately, it's his decision. If he doesn't listen to you or act on it..let. it be.

Why has he bought her a phone and then deliberately removing its safety guidelines?

if I was her mum I’d be fuming at HIM for being irresponsible

Huh?? The Mum is the one telling him to remove them.

Tbf, it's him that has placed restrictions on it.

Eh? The mum is the one that's asked for the restrictions to be taken off.

Sorry if anybody has suggested this but have you tried asking ex or DD, or looking at her YouTube history? She could be playing “sleep” videos overnight for 7+ hours which might account for a huge chunk of the YouTube time.

Eg 5 hours of relaxing music and rain, 8 hours of cafe chatter, 6 hours of white noise etc, AMSR too or whatever it’s called

If he has a good enough relationship with her to check about the phone before he bought it, could he just speak to her about his concerns over screen time use?

Yet another thread about kids and smartphones. Parents giving them a smartphone and then puzzling over why and how they’re on it so much 🤦‍♀️ . If it was just to maintain contact with your DH, a simple phone for the 9yo could have done that job. You might be concerned OP, but it’s for your DH and the DC’s mum to sort, you can just dial down their screen time when they’re with you, but you’ll need to go gently as it sounds like she is addicted now, so will need support to reduce any damaging screen time.

Why does a 9 year old need a smart phone? I know you say so she can keep in contact with her father on the days she’s not with him but is that really necessary at the age of 9? She could do this with a basic phone?

I don’t think a child really needs a phone until they start high school.

Of course 10 hours a day on a phone is crazy but your dh gave her a smart phone so she’s going to use it.

Assuming communication is reasonable between the parents, I think the dad should make sure the mum knows what's going on - she may not be aware that the daughter is spending so much time of HOW she's spending it; possibly she asked for it to be unrestricted in principle, or because the daughter wanted it, and didn't really think it through. I also wondered if she might be using YouTube as background noise while doing other things. I think it's OK for the dad to restrict the phone since he bought it and set it up, but at this point it would be better to get the mum engaged and present a united front especially if daughter's use seems excessive/inappropriate.

A 9yo.
smartphone.
YouTube
roblox
13.5hrs/day in the holidays
6-7hrs/day on school days

This is so, so sad. And everyone saying “leave it to the parents” when OP’s house is the one suffering for the poor behaviour and where this poor child’s step-siblings live.

Yes I might be middle aged and a fuddy duddy but truthfully where is the good or benefit in ANY of this? Why do parents ruin their children like this? It’s like people giving their 9yo children a glass of wine every day, or two cigarettes. Why?

The point is it is absolutely relevant for him to admit and acknowledge to himself that this is 100% his fuck up, and fix it from there. It was bang out of order of him to unilaterally decide something which the mum has to deal with the fall out for. A 9 year old who never had a phone will still be happily playing with whatever toys they like. A 9 year old with a smart phone will no longer happily play with same toys, and will instead get very upset when their phone is taken off them. If he decides to take it completely away the mum still has to deal with the fallout on her time. The fix starts with him holding his hands up, taking 100% of the ownership of being the bad guy.

He needs to message his ex and inform her that he’s noticed DD is spending X amount of time online. Get Chat GPT to phase it in a non confrontational way, as she may not be fully aware given she doesn’t have the controls / data. It cannot continue, if she says she doesn’t want restrictions then he is going to have to over rule her as he bought the phone, now he has to deal with it. It’s 100% going to impact her.

I would just put the restrictions back on tbh. My son had a phone at 9, so that he could cobtact me while he was at his dads, and contact his dad independantly. I do have screentime restrictions, no access to google, and parental approval for any apps. The novelty wore off pretty quickly tbh.

Oh and the restrictions stay on at his dads. The phone is for him to keep in touch, and as a back up if hes out on his bike . Not for endless youtube and gaming.

Yes clarifying that was a drip feed though that i hadnt seen, the OP said:

"However, when she's at her Mum's house she has asked DH to unrestrict her phone"

You'd assume both 'she's' in a sentence to refer to the same person so it sounded as if the daughter had asked, not the mum.

But her mum has decided that while daughter is at home with her, there are no restrictions. Her father/DH agrees (from what you've said) but you don't. In this case, I think you are overstepping. Not because you are a stepmum, but because her parents are in agreement - that mum can make the rules while she's there. You can't tell a child's mother what they can do with their own child in their home. Unfortunately DH created the problem by buying his child a smartphone - his mum now has to manage the fallout. DH can still buy a brick phone and swap the SIM. Just because he bought the smartphone, doesn't mean they're stuck with it.

Read it again.

You're married to an idiot.

Sorry.

9 years old with a smartphone?
Have you looked up about how grooming can happen on roblox?

He needs to get rid of it.