9yo step daughter spending 10-13 hours per day on her phone. Should DH step in?

[TakeALookAtTheseSwatches]

DH bought his daughter a phone for her 9th birthday in September. The idea was so he could keep in touch with her while she's not here (he has her 50% of the time, week on, week off)

When she is here we have screen restrictions which are the same as our other kids; no screen time on weekdays other than to check messages (we do allow some TV) and on a weekend/school holidays they can have up to 2 hours (usually one on a morning and one on an evening)

However, when she's at her Mum's house she has asked DH to unrestrict her phone, having looked on the family link app she is spending at least 10 hours a day on her phone, split between YouTube and Roblox. The longest time in a single day was 13.5 hours. DH seems to think that because it's her Mum's house it should be her rules but I'm worried it's going to have a detrimental affect on her and I feel like DH could keep timed restrictions on YouTube etc even while she's not here. I'm especially worried as her behaviour has become significantly worse over the past few months and I think this is what's causing it.

YABU - when she's at her Mum's house it's her rules
YANBU - as her parent DH can keep the restrictions on her phone.

No 9 year old should have a smartphone. All the science is established for how harmful it is. The number of hours on top of that!!@!@ Insane. Put your foot down.

YANBU. I agree that a smartphone for a 9yo is bad, but 13.5 hours in one day is far, far worse. DH needs to put the restrictions back on.

You can control screen time through the Family Link app. Kids can’t download an app
without the parents consent as it sends a message to the parent’s device asking. She won’t be on the phone 13 hours a day at school and then you can set a screen time limit of something reasonable like 1 hour or whatever you’re comfortable. My kids have very basic smart phones and I monitor everything on them via the Family Link. No internet, no social media etc. I think once a clear boundary is in place then everyone will know where they stand.

I think in the future we’ll see this as a form of neglect or abuse. So irresponsible to provide and allow unrestricted access to a smartphone.

There is already similarities or parallels being drawn concerning screen time for children and the smoking debates of the 1970s. The fact that the dangers of smoking were ignored for so long, and the fact that uk is already behind other nations in the dealing with screens and social media for children.

Have you ever managed to discuss and agree on anything with a 9 yr old who want the diametric opposite of what you want - smart phones, a horse, whatever?

Yes. I have a 32 (from when she was 9), 20 and a 14 year old.

Each one challenging in their own way. My ability to 'parent' each changed over time.

First, I was probably more traditional, so taking a more top down approach when it came to setting boundaries. This didn't always work as I was dealing with a traumatised child - realised I needed to research and develop new tools to manage.

Second, I was more relaxed and used lessons learned from the first in terms of involving her in age appropriate decisions about things in her life.

The youngest is autistic and has a very high demand avoident profile. Completely different set of skills needed when it comes to boundary setting - he needs to feel in control (stemming from his anxiety about his environment and feeling so out of control in so many areas of his life) - so I have to set boundaries in what on the surface looks a much more co-operative way - but is actually a very complex weighted negotiation, that both keeps him safe but also recognises his need to feel autonomous.

It's definitely not easy, but it can be done with practise. Essentially trying to develop a skill base using the language of co-creation, behavioural shaping, and collaborative autonomy. I was already using some of these techniques with no 2, but the 3rd was a crash course - if I hadn't changed quickly, family life would probably have collapsed by now. (I recognise this is a fairly extreme situation)

This is where the concept of 'gentle parenting' gets warped. So many people have adopted parts of the theories but miss the part where you have to actively work to change yourself to build a new skill set of parenting tools. It's not about giving children free reign or treating them as 'equals'. It's about the parent as the person with a more developed skill set using that 'authority' and knowledge to recognise the growing autonomy of a child and create an environment that recognises that.

You still have the same age appropriate controls/boundaries/expectations - it's just the 'how' you set them that changes. Any adult should be able to out negotiate an 9 year old. I think it helps to think of these as general communication tool sets rather than the more loaded 'parenting'.

I am not and don't claim to be a better 'parent' - very far from it actually. I have just been put into situations where I have had to learn/practise different communication approaches to essentially get to the same place.

Yes absolutely. I’d argue it’s the only way to find long term boundaries that stick actually.

You might be surprised if you try. Sometimes they suggest things even more strict than you would have suggested. All the advise around screen times limits etc….recommends negotiating them through with your child.

I noticed a previous poster suggested swapping for a brick phone, sounds like a good idea.

If that’s not going to work, then something like Kaspersky Kids will let him reduce the amount of time it can be used by her every day.

Wasn’t expensive when I used this for my son and worked well. I’m sure there are other options out there. My son is over 18 now! Hope it helps.