9yo step daughter spending 10-13 hours per day on her phone. Should DH step in?

[TakeALookAtTheseSwatches]

DH bought his daughter a phone for her 9th birthday in September. The idea was so he could keep in touch with her while she's not here (he has her 50% of the time, week on, week off)

When she is here we have screen restrictions which are the same as our other kids; no screen time on weekdays other than to check messages (we do allow some TV) and on a weekend/school holidays they can have up to 2 hours (usually one on a morning and one on an evening)

However, when she's at her Mum's house she has asked DH to unrestrict her phone, having looked on the family link app she is spending at least 10 hours a day on her phone, split between YouTube and Roblox. The longest time in a single day was 13.5 hours. DH seems to think that because it's her Mum's house it should be her rules but I'm worried it's going to have a detrimental affect on her and I feel like DH could keep timed restrictions on YouTube etc even while she's not here. I'm especially worried as her behaviour has become significantly worse over the past few months and I think this is what's causing it.

YABU - when she's at her Mum's house it's her rules
YANBU - as her parent DH can keep the restrictions on her phone.

The first rule of step parenting is don't care more than the parents do. If her parents don't care enough about screen time to restrict then there's very little you can do about it. Might as well let it go.

Why do you have restrictions on your DC's devices? Presumably because you believe that it's bad for them to have unrestricted access to them. So then why would you allow something from you to be used in a way that you think is bad for your DSD? He should absolutely be restricting the phone if he believes it's bad for her, wherever she's using it.

It’s not just about the time limit though is it… Roblox is actually dangerous.

You can get non smart phone sims etc

so can keep in touch without the screen time

behaviou problems are linked to screen time in a detrimental way. Many studies show the negative affects of children’s brains and smart phones

Well this is my point to him, I think he doesn't want conflict with his ex or to seem like the "bad guy" to his daughter.

Did your dh have a conversation with her mum before buying their 9 year old a phone?

A 9 year old doesn’t have the maturity to restrict. He has caused a huge problem for all parents, and her, by buying her a phone in the first place. That was selfish, as it was for his benefit.

He has dangled the steak in front of her and now wants to remove it.

Yeah I agree to an extent, it's affecting me and my kids though so I do think I should be allowed have some sort of opinion even if I don't get an actual day in the matter.

That's really tricky - particularly if your DH isn't willing to push it. One thing to bear in mind though, is that she is probably too young to be on Roblox unsupervised (it can be a bit of a cesspit). It might be worth having a conversation about restricting that, or suggesting she should only be allowed access with an adult present (might be inconvenient enough to encourage the use of restrictions!). And definitely block apps overnight.

Wow.

9yos shouldn’t have smartphones in their lives because there are great risks to internet and app access. I’m surprised you’re only worried about length of time online rather than what she is viewing.

Roblox is notorious for malicious users looking for children - to the extent that child online safety experts often cite it as the app they would never let their children use.

YouTube opens up a world of really nasty things that could be damaging for a child to see. They don’t have to search - they could stumble into it.

Even if she doesn’t have a bad experience, it’s just addictive garbage. Get rid and give her a Nokia for calls.

Ffs a 9 year old with a smart phone and unrestricted access?! Who TF does that. Take it off her and get her a brick phone. Roblox is dangerous. Never mind YouTube.

Of course you can have an opinion but if the parents don't act on that opinion all you can do is try and minimise the impact on you and your children. Otherwise it will drive you nuts.

So she probably won't be receptive to trying to reduce the use of it? Did they discuss this before the phone was given?

You reap what you sow. He needs to step up and be a responsible parent

What kind of crap parents let a 9 year old have a smart phone in the first place?

Nothing much you can do as the step
parent. They’ve created this monster.

As a parent, especially in the preteen and teen years, it's literally your job to be the bad guy.

Being the bad guy isn't fun, it can be met with sullen faces, door slamming or even tantrums, it's still your job. As a parent, you can see the pitfalls that a teen can't.

Those care collective you/your terms for all parents, not just you and your DH OP.

Looking back (my kids are now adults) it's not a lot different to parenting toddlers. The tantrums take different forms, but what you're doing is to protect them.

In your specific case OP, it's tricky because DD is at her mother's place part of the week, but if the mother isn't restricting the phone use, your DH still should. Unfortunately, it sounds like her mother doesn't want to be the bad guy either, she wants the phone unrestricted so she gets peace and doesn't have to deal with the issue either. At the end of the day, your DH has to know that spending that much time on a phone isn't good for a 9 year old, so it's up to him to be strong, be the bad guy and restrict the time. The 9 year old needs to know that it's an hour a day/half an hour a day, whatever you decide, or nothing.

I have a nine year old and can’t get my head around her having a smartphone at all. It should go. Particularly because you can’t possibly enforce rules in someone else’s house (which her dad would have realised if he’d thought about it for a moment).

The op is not in a position to take the phone if the parents want her to have it.

Well your DH is a twat and a half isn’t he? He made a stupid decision to give a 9 year old a phone and then expects his ex to police it?

He bought it, he should enforce the rules about it so he can be bad guy. So selfish of him to put this on the mother.

Why? It’s not her mums phone.

Madness to buy a 9 year old a smart phone

So its not your child and its happening in her mother's house? I think, whatever my views about children using phones, that there is not much you can do.

I’m absolutely appalled a 9 year old has a phone. They don’t need one. Presumably your DH was able to contact his daughter via landline and also her mother. I’d retract the phone immediately.

Sometimes you only learn it's mad was to give a 9 year old a smart phone after you've already given them it and see how difficult it can be to keep a grip of the situation. If you already know, it's probably because you learned from others' mistakes, not because you're a super accomplished parent. The dad was just trying to stay in touch with his kid and made a couple of wrong decisions.

You really cannot expect a 9 year old to be able to regulate their phone time themselves. That is on the parents. Terrible parenting to give a 9 year old a smart phone and access to apps.

Is there age restrictions on the apps so she can only watch what's deemed appropriate for her age group?
That's what I have for my 2 DC who are 7 and 11.

The length of time is not okay but it's life for some families.

I didn't like my children being on for 8hours+ so I sorted it.