DH told me “there’s no point in crying” after seizure

[Likelysmike]

I’ve had repeated seizures over the last 2 weeks. I’ve never had them before and I’m frightened.

i was in hospital for 2 days just before Christmas but wanted to go and see my mum on Christmas Eve. When I got there I was crying and he said “what’s the point in crying?” In front of my family.

I had another seizure Christmas Day and he told me that I just needed fresh air and to eat something and that I needed to “want” to get well

Had a further seizure 29th December and was in A&E. I was sitting there sobbing whilst he was on his phone. When he saw me he said “what are you crying for?” When I said I didn’t feel well he said “there’s no point in crying” and “stay positive”

hes just said his “life has been on pause for 2 weeks because of your illness”. Then he was saying he’s not allowed to be tired or complain about his cold because my seizures “are the main talking point”. He said “the world doesn’t stop because you might have epilepsy”

aibu to reconsider my marriage? Am I being OTT or is this entirely heartless from DH?

Sorry to hear you are married to such a wanker. I broke my ankle 2 weeks before Christmas, had surgery Christmas eve... my wonderful, caring, lovely (note the sarcasm) DH hasn't helped at all, hasn't asked how I am once. I'm heavily reliant on him at the moment due to limited mobility & he regularly flits off for hours, leaving me alone.

He is showing you that you can’t rely on him. I would be shaming him by making sure that people know he is leaving you alone with the kids when this is going on. You need to have a plan for what happens if you have a seizure on your own with the kids - or if you at least until they get to the bottom of this have another responsible adult around- if it can’t be him are there any relatives or friends that could help?

I suspect he's freaking out because he's scared but I don't think I could get over this. If he's not able to control his behaviour in the face of stress when it matters most he's not a suitable life partner. I'm sorry you're going through this and hope everything works out well medically and that you are able to think about what you want in a life partner and if this isn't it then I hope extracting yourself from the relationship goes as smoothly as possible.

Really love get yourself well and plan to go you so don't need this wanker in your life, concentrating on yourself and child for now get our ducks in a row and work on u leave at a later date that's suits u but LEAVE xxx

This is one of the worst threads I've read about husbands and I've been here a few years.

I had two big tonic clonic seizures a month apart a few years back out of the blue. I cried hysterically both times after I was conscious again in a confused state, like a knee jerk reaction to what my body went through and the postictal phase was very hard for me... all I can describe it as is it felt like someone else's brain had been transplanted into mine and I felt a clinical depression for weeks. My emotions and feelings weren't my own fully. I returned back to myself once I was put on medication by a neurologist (Levetiracetam 500mg twice a day) and I've been seizure free since. Your DH needs to be educated on seizures and epilepsy and how emotionally it can affect the sufferer.

Sending you a big un-Mumsnetty hug 💐

OP, he isn’t just deeply unpleasant, he could endanger your life. I am worried that his callousness could escalate to cause you real harm, through neglect if nothing worse. Your health condition makes you vulnerable, and he is the wrong person to have in your life when you need someone to help you. I hope you can get yourself and DC away from him.

He's a selfish tool and a danger to your health. What a guy! Please think this through thoroughly and protect your health.

He's making sure you know how inconvenienced he is. 🙄

I'm very sorry you're going through this and I hope you get answers soon.

Strangers on the internet are showing more sympathy and empathy than your husband. You're not going to be able to rely on him so get a support system in place ASAP. You're going to be functioning as a single mom for a bit because it sounds like he will not be stepping up in any way. I wouldn't even count on him sticking around so prepare as much as you can.

Do you have any family besides your mom nearby or a drive service that can get you to and from appointments? Get paper plates and cups and order some readymade food service meals. Call in any favours from friends. Have an emergency contact besides your husband. You might also want to consider giving your mom a medical POA to make decisions if you're incapacitated. I don't know if you can trust your husband to act in your best interests.

Good luck.

I do have a plan on what to do if I feel I will have a seizure. My mum and dad have said to call for anything, so if I feel like I will have a seizure or have one, I can make sure DC is with them. My DSIL is also staying with us until the 3rd, so there is another adult in the house.

He’s back now anyway, on the couch with his hood up laying down.

I’m bereft honestly. I think this is the end for us. I can’t get passed the cruelty of it

LTFB. He’s a prick.

Ltb! I am so.sorry you are going through this. Please reach out to people who are offering to support you.
I have multiple conditions and something I often do when I feel crappy is cry. I also sometimes cry when I don't feel well. My DH always asks what's wrong and will then comfort me. That's what human beings do.

He sounds monstrous. Uncaring, selfish twat.

Sending a massive hug @Likelysmike . I’m so sorry to hear about your health condition and that you’re married to such an uncaring man. 💐

This is the end. It's awful to say when you are going through this period of ill health but when you are well you must leave.

As MN famously says get your ducks in a row so financially you are sorted. I would get a medical pendant/alarm to use at home when you have a seizure so at least you can rely on external support.

I saw something the other day that said if a man gets ill there is a 2% chance that the woman will not step up and leave. When a woman is ill a man is 600% more likely to shirk caring and leave.

What a hindrance he is to you.

What an utter prick he is.

if you leave, speak to a solicitor and get your ducks in a row.

I hope all will be well with you.

That is a horrible, horrible reaction to your loved one being ill. Of course you're crying - it's very worrying to have seizures! Your husband is a fucking idiot. Once you're sorted with a diagnosis and medication, and have come to terms with it a bit, I'd reconsider if you might be best off on your own than with someone so cold and uncaring.

Like many people married to shitty spouses, you deserve better.

He sounds like a narcissistic arsehole.

Is he usually this much of a wanker ?

It’s horrible when you’re in such a vulnerable position. It’s easier to be single than have an uncaring partner.

As an emergency medicine consultant I have only have only ever seen a spouse react like this once. She divorced him within the year.

Seizures and neurological issues are serious. You need a supportive partner not an abusive one.

Wow this is so disheartening to read & despicable on your DH’s part. What an awful time for his true colours to be revealed. But revealed they truly have been. Agree with other posters that he views your health issues as an inconvenience, is almost irritated & angered by them as opposed to feeling protective & concerned for you. The lack of empathy is horrible & makes it clear that he regards only his needs & feelings as important in the relationship. A complete pig. You have my sympathies. Use the support of your parents & emotionally them to rely on while you navigate through this diagnosis & life changing possible condition. And when ready & able move on from this horrible excuse of a husband.

I’ll let sweet little Lucy do my talking for me:

I’m sending you love from California, @Likelysmike❤️

I had something similar happen at the end of my marriage to exH.

Pull every ounce of energy you have in putting on a good face and getting all your documents and legal stuff together. It WILL get ugly. You need to prepare for it. Don't hint that you're ending things. Get your shit together and only then break things off.

He's a cruel weak lazy little man.

My husband had a seizure almost 3 years ago and it was completely out of the blue. We were due to head out to a show that evening and he said he was unwell. The next thing I know he's on the floor convulsing. I can still picture his eyes rolling into the back of his head and his lips were blue. It was horrific. He fortunately has no memory of it.

They couldn't find the cause and we happily got on with our lives until we were on holiday last year. We'd sat down and he said he just didn't feel right. I just knew immediately that it was going to happen again. Fortunately we weren't in the pool or the sea as I think I'd have probably lost him if we had been.

We ended up staying abroad for a week as he broke his back with the force of the seizure (no fall just incredibly forceful seizure). I'm not actually sure what's been worse the epilepsy diagnosis or the surgery for him. Both have been tough in different ways I suppose.

Your husband is an arse. It has changed our lives a lot. More than I think we admit. He had surgery and has recovered well but I feel anxious all the time that it could happen again and we won't be so lucky next time. He's now on medication and had to give up his licence - fortunately WFH but it's still been upsetting for him. Physically he's doing really well but it's been challenging and I know he's still in discomfort and not quite as mobile as he was before and we're in our early 40s.

Your husband's lack of consideration is despicable. We all have stuff to deal with but this isn't top trumps - I was absolutely shattered when we got back but he was my priority. I'm not gonna lie sometimes I just wanted to sleep but if he needed me that was my job - to look out for him. You are going through a serious situation and need support.

I worry about my husband constantly. I worry about him being out and him having a seizure and hitting his head, or falling off something into danger - he could end up dead or badly injured. I know realistically it's unlikely as he's not had regular seizures but I don't know if that makes it worse as we have no sense of what might have led to them. I also know the medication is meant to be very effective but I do feel sad that the life we had which was pretty carefree is gone now because it's always there. I put a brave face on for him but it was frightening and not a day goes by where I don't think about it and what ifs.

Think long and hard about your future with this man. I don't care how tired he is. You have every right to be worried and anxious - also very likely to feel tired after seizures as I believe it's part of the recovery. This isn't you having a wee fall and needing a plaster on your knee. You deserve better. If you really needed him to take care of you and maintain your dignity would you trust him to do so or would he leave you in squalor to sort yourself. You need to trust this person to be your advocate and look out for you at times - he doesn't sound like he's up to the job.

Sorry OP but he sounds like a complete arsehole! How old are your children? Can you go and stay with your mum & dad for a while? By the way, it's completely normal to be crying after a seizure - emotional dysregulation is actually caused by the seizure and physiological factors so it's not just being upset, it's very common after a seizure. He's a twat and a selfish stupid one at that!

His life has been on hold for 2 weeks? What an arsehole. This would be over for me.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through OP 💐

This. The behaviour is very bloke typical though, the pull yourself together attitude. The las thing anyone having seizures needs, is a lack of sympathy because that will just make the condition worse. @Likelysmike look after yourself. I feel for you xx