DH told me “there’s no point in crying” after seizure

[Likelysmike]

I’ve had repeated seizures over the last 2 weeks. I’ve never had them before and I’m frightened.

i was in hospital for 2 days just before Christmas but wanted to go and see my mum on Christmas Eve. When I got there I was crying and he said “what’s the point in crying?” In front of my family.

I had another seizure Christmas Day and he told me that I just needed fresh air and to eat something and that I needed to “want” to get well

Had a further seizure 29th December and was in A&E. I was sitting there sobbing whilst he was on his phone. When he saw me he said “what are you crying for?” When I said I didn’t feel well he said “there’s no point in crying” and “stay positive”

hes just said his “life has been on pause for 2 weeks because of your illness”. Then he was saying he’s not allowed to be tired or complain about his cold because my seizures “are the main talking point”. He said “the world doesn’t stop because you might have epilepsy”

aibu to reconsider my marriage? Am I being OTT or is this entirely heartless from DH?

He sounds a lot like my father, who is an abusive, aggressive, nasty, pathetic bully of a man. ‘It’s no use crying’ was his catchphrase, and always after he’d made me cry. You don’t want a man like that in your family.

Divorce him, he’s probably getting arsey because he’s actually had to do more whilst you’ve been poorly.

OP, I’m very sorry you’ve been suffering, and I too wonder whether your DH is frightened about what might happen - and some men don’t deal very well with tears - but your second post leaves me really angry on your behalf. How dare he fall asleep for three hours and then storm out of the house saying he’s tired when you’re the one who’s been unwell? I’m sure if the boot were on the other foot, you’d be doing everything in your power to make things easy for him. He has behaved heartlessly and inconsiderately. What did he say when he came back after storming out? Ask him why he is being so unsupportive, and what he would expect of you if it were him. If he carries on like this, then perhaps you will have to re-assess your situation - you can’t live like this, if it’s his default setting.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.

If you have epilepsy you won't be able to do many things like drive until you've had a year without seizures. If it's something more serious, you're going to need a lot of practical support and it seems like he might not be willing to provide that.

I'm so sorry that he is like this, but it's better to know now than later. At least you can make arrangements for others to support you.

So you are unexpectedly and frighteningly having seizures and he just tells you to crack on with no empathy or support?

That would be bad enough for me but then he has a nap and leaves you looking after your kids when he knows you currently have no control over the seizures? What about their well being and safety, does he prioritise anyone over himself? And then he walked off?

Consider his lack of support very carefully @Likelysmike, he is thinking about himself and no-one else, he has no concern for you or the kids because he is either very self centred or just not coping well with you not being able to do everything - either way it doesn't look like he is a keeper to me.

Is your relationship otherwise good?

I had similar from my dh when I broke my leg and had to go for surgery. I did spit out our marriage vows ‘in sickness and in health’. Wound his neck in after that.

@Likelysmike When I got there I was crying and he said “what’s the point in crying?”

The reason why this comment is so weird is because it makes it sound as though crying is a conscious choice, rather than a natural response to distress. He sounds like a very unusual character.

He is showing you who he is. Believe him! He is the type of man to leave you because you are sick! There are statistics on this particularly where a woman has been diagnosed with cancer.

I have had epilepsy for the last 15 years, out of the blue and no reason at age 25. Full seizures, absence seizures, de ja vu, loss of grip, terrible memory, extreme tiredness... epilepsy is more than just having a seizure, it stopping and then life continues. You may have to now take medication, this takes times to get the right type and dose, meanwhile risk of more seizures is higher.
The point I'm making is that you need a reliable, sensible, empathetic and tender person who is able to notice things about you, when you need rest, and be able to take your condition seriously so as to know what to do, when to call for help. Basically, respect.
You should be being comforted, reassured and given time to rest, not shouted at, minimised or not have a safe space to show your emotions.
Your DH isn't providing this. I really hope you have someone else who can? You have every best wish and sympathy from me, it's an awful condition and one that people don't fully appreciate because you're fine most of the time, until you're not. Sending you solidarity x

I know someone who’s started having seizures in adulthood with no apparent reason and it’s scary. Scary for her and anyone around her. She can’t drive now because of it.
i know if it was me I’d be so upset with the attitude of your husband. How would he feel if it was him with this experience?

your dh is cruel and unkind, just looking out for what you can do for him, how you can serve him. Out of interest who has been making meal and cleaning up, washing clothes etc? He just wants normal service resumed.

You deserve better. You know that deep down so start putting everything in order and get out. You can do this. I know you are struggling right now, understandably. So do it at your own pace. Stash money, move important things out of the house to a close friends or family members, see a solicitor in secret (knowledge is power), get copies of all paperwork. You can do this.

My ex was the same. I was diagnosed with a couple of conditions when with him, they were never bad enough for me to rest, I was always overreacting, he had no sympathy or ability to support, i did everything for the kids while working. Then we ended up in family court because all of a sudden I was apparently so poorly I was unable to move out of bed for weeks on end and never cared for our children... all a lie, but shows that he was able to use my medical conditions to suit him and that was it.
Don't trust him, he is self serving and that is all. You can do this, you will look back one day and be so happy that you got out.

I was diagnosed with epilepsy a few years ago. My husband is always on high alert and fuses. I love him for it.
On the other hand, if he had epilepsy, I would be "what's the point in crying". It doesnt mean I dont care, I'm just more practical and very much a "what can we do about it" and "what is practical".

hes not back yet. I’m in bed crying. He’s left his phone.

LTB.

Consistently asking someone going through a medical crisis “what’s the point in crying?” isnt being practical it’s being an arsehole. The guy is jealous his cold isn’t centre stage.

Here is a revolutionary brand-new idea
The person who is crying is upset. They might like to be comforted.

Do I win a Nobel prize?

and you might think that you care, but seriously, what is going on in your head? Anyone who says "what's the point in crying?" is basically a robot.

@Likelysmike i'm so sorry for what you're going through 💐

Have you got any family who can look after you while you're going through this?

I'm sorry, but your husband is completely pointless and possibly a complete shit as well. I know that's not what you need to hear at a time like this. But you need to plan and I think you should enlist any help from family and friends that you can.

Yeah, no. I have a couple of invisible disabilities - one of them makes me extremely faint at the drop of a hat, so sometimes I will collapse but other times I will just suddenly go very woozy and need to sit/lie down. I'm quite good at recognising the signs now so it's more often the latter. I have code words with my DH - one means I am feeling faint and I just need to sit down a minute, so you're on child duty etc. The other means I am about to drop so you need to catch me. He has never batted an eye at any of this. He is not without his faults of course, as with any spouse, but when I asked him once whether this was too much for him, he said that he took his "in sickness and in health" vows seriously.

Years ago I went on a fairground ride and injured my neck. I couldn’t hold my head up. My husband told me to “just crack on and not make a fuss”. Eventually he agreed to take me to A&E where they found I had a suspected fractured spine. Luckily it turned out not to be and after a week in hospital flat on my back in a brace it slipped back into place. Stupidly I did not see this as a red flag. Since then I have had a crashed c-section & eye cancer. At no time was any sympathy shown or support offered. I’m just lasting it out until my 16yo leaves home in 2 years then I’m off. OP - don’t make my mistake - see this as the red flag it is.

So fresh air, eating something and wanting to get well is the cure for epilepsy? I imagine the Nobel Prize Committee will shortly be contacting him to arrange his picking up of the Nobel Prize for medicine for this stunning brealthrough. I am surprised he didn't think a brisk five mile walk was just the thing to set you up.

I am so sorry he is behaving so badly and is so lacking in empathy. I had a long period of time with a recurring and debilitating medical condition. My now husband was endlessly supportive and never complained and I eventually recovered. Hopefully your seizures can be controlled or stopped soon. I understand how frightened you must feel. Once you've recovered I'd be ending the marriage. I mean didn't he hear the sickness or in health bit of the vows?

I'm going to hope you're just a drunk idiot on New Year's Day rather than just an arsehole.
Sorry OP but my advice would be to LTB.
Because he is a B.

The man us a twat.
I hope you are feeling better soon and they sort you out medically.

Ugh, he sounds dreadful. Crying is a pretty normal response to a stressful and frightening experience, and on top of that there are possible short-term neurological effects of a seizure that mean you might cry more than usual. My DB has epilepsy and after a seizure is often quite distressed, can also be very hungry or angry. You should have the space and support you need to recover. It sounds like he’s more of a hindrance than a help unless it’s all about him. Hugs to you.

Your DH sounds like a dick.
Hope youre okay