In not pursuing a diagnosis for five year old?

[woodenwalls]

May be a controversial one.

DS is five and as he gets older I do think there’s possibly some SEN there. He is very reactive: loses his temper easily, screams an shouts (had a lot of that this holiday) - as a toddler his tantrums were awful, he’d claw at my face, pull my hair … I found him really difficult and I wonder if maybe some of that’s affecting us still. I can’t get him to listen; I’ve really made an effort with strategies that promise they work and they don’t 😩

OTOH, nursery didn’t flag anything, neither have school. I’m reluctant to go to the GP; dh wouldn’t be on board and it doesn’t seem like support is very forthcoming anyway. I guess what I’m asking is AIBU to just … leave it, and struggle on?

I would start by having a conversation with his teacher and then take things from there.

Massively unreasonable. Your son may need adjustments in education and work to help him succeed and you would be gatekeeping that from him if you ignore the possibility of an underlying diagnosis.

School haven’t flagged anything but that doesn’t mean they’re not having issues. I’d speak to the teacher and see what they say.

May be a controversial one.

Opening with this always says everything. Why else would you post about your child's 'possible SEN' in AIBU?

Given the waiting lists, I wouldn't wait until there is a much bigger issue

There is help and support out there, so not sure why you wouldn’t seek it. Sometimes the diagnosis etc can take some time so it would be worth thinking about starting the process now so things are in progress.

Following a conversation with school etc of course.

I would start, honestly. I first raised flags at 6 for my dd, she's 9 now and school and gp agree with me there is,something. She's only just got on the actual waiting list for an actual full ND assessment and the waiting list is 2-3 years and growing.
She didn't need the diagnosis at 6, but she kinda does now and she sure as hell will at secondary. The waiting lists are so long that it's better to start early, even though the flags you're seeing might not be causing problems as such yet.

DS's school didn't flag anything throughout infants, he was later diagnosed at 10 although the report from school made him sound perfect. I've worked in schools as a TA with undiagnosed kids that now looking back (and knowing much more) were probably autistic but not picked up.

I would go to the doc and get it flagged, you might not get anywhere and there will be a long wait but often it becomes more obvious (if it's ASD) as the approach secondary school age - although for some it's even later that the wheels suddenly fall off, around GCSE's.

Where else should I put it? I don’t know he has SEN, so putting it in the sen section is premature at best. This is the problem; I don’t know. If I go to the GP it’s only me who struggles so it may be a me problem?

Has he had his hearing tested recently? If not then ask your GP for a referral.

Speak to the teacher and SENCO and bear in mind that just because school don’t see any issues doesn’t mean that there isn’t any SEN.

If he has ADHD, it’s treatable. It’s literally a medical condition, for which there is (very effective) medication.

Its worth investigating, either now or in a year or two’s time.

I thought his and have seen similar where an OP saying this is applauded for not claiming dla and similar

It isn’t a money thing. I constantly think it’s my parenting, then I think maybe it isn’t, then I think it is. I still don’t feel we have a great connection tbh and that’s a huge source of worry and stress to me.

If you think he has SEN, then I would pursue a diagnosis as soon as you can because the process of getting a diagnosis and any help you need can take years and the last thing you want is for his issues to get worse without support already in place, and having to wait even more years for help.

So is it just his temper that makes you think he’s SEN? Why do you think it’s SEN rather than a kid with a bad temper?

3 year waiting list where we are, friends are having to go private at cost of £2k. If he is SEN it’s important this is openly discussed because you’re going to need to access extra funding for support throughout his school years. Read up on getting an EHCP.

if he isn’t SEN the alternative is you have a really badly behaved child and your (and DH) parenting styles need to rapidly change.

what is your gut telling you?

Your DH sounds like a dickhead if he wouldn't be on board with pursuing a diagnosis of a special educational need when doing so would legally entitle your son to help and support he may very well need now and in the future.

I think you should pursue a diagnosis.

It can take years to get through the waiting lists (during which time his difficulties could be increasing). Best to start now.

There is not much of a downside to pursuing a diagnosis (or at least assessment), from your son's point of view, and potentially a big upside.

We pursued a diagnosis for DS at a time when his autism wasn't seeming to cause him a lot of problems. It became invaluable as he got older and the world got more difficult for him. Would you want to be starting the long (LONG) journey towards assessment for a teenager, who is already having to navigate secondary school and exams, and who may not even be cooperative with the process?

I agree. If you already suspect he has SEN then why would you wait to seek help. You'll be waiting years already.

Diagnosis of what? He’s angry, that isn’t diagnosis. He can still receive therapy for it.

I would try and get the wheels in motion for assessment, the wait is long and if there are issues, then the gap between him and his peers will only widen with age .

I didn't know. It could be nerodivesity, and it could be a parenting issue. My DD is nerodivese. She's been referred by the GP and school. I've been told it will be at Lear 2 years before anyone sees her. I've done courses on autism and ADHD. There I'd training you can access without a diagnosis. First, I'd talk to the school and see if there noticed anything. The see what parenting course or training is available to you. It won't hurt to do the learning.

You are the parent so are best placed to judge all the factors and be honest about likely reasons. Sen is one possibility, another is needing different parenting techniques another is physical impairment(hearing for example, has it been checked) but can also just be developmental, they develop at different paces and could grow out of it. I would suggest that you do ask for a meeting with the teacher, mostly because issues need to be in more than one setting - how does he act at school? Then if they report issues go to the gp for a referral

Just try to be stricter with your son and give consequences

Schools should support the need. I would have a chat with them and see if your child is managing school/needing any adaptations, support etc.

There's a huge waiting list in the majority of areas so keep a note of behaviour in case you decide to go for assessments. The important thing is your child, their happiness and progress.