In not pursuing a diagnosis for five year old?

[woodenwalls]

May be a controversial one.

DS is five and as he gets older I do think there’s possibly some SEN there. He is very reactive: loses his temper easily, screams an shouts (had a lot of that this holiday) - as a toddler his tantrums were awful, he’d claw at my face, pull my hair … I found him really difficult and I wonder if maybe some of that’s affecting us still. I can’t get him to listen; I’ve really made an effort with strategies that promise they work and they don’t 😩

OTOH, nursery didn’t flag anything, neither have school. I’m reluctant to go to the GP; dh wouldn’t be on board and it doesn’t seem like support is very forthcoming anyway. I guess what I’m asking is AIBU to just … leave it, and struggle on?

DM sent. X

Report what? Me saying that your OP has a few red flags for autism? I’m speaking as the mother of an autistic child.

Why wouldn’t you want the experts to help and support you on this?

if he doesn’t have special educational needs then the diagnosis will confirm this

You are experiencing problems. TALK TO SCHOOL about it.

They may be able to signpost you to parent support about how you communicate with your child. Or offer coping strategies WITHOUT the need for a diagnosis or entering the process for assessment.

Remember the point is that engaging with school for an assessment is just that - having an assessment to see if you need parental support OR there's an underlying problem - the outcome of a diagnosis is NOT a given.

Sometimes it's actually a bit of both and parental strategies and support early can reduce the need for greater interventions later on.

One of the big things is that late diagnosis is often after a child or adult has had significant issues with anxiety or depression or behaviour first. It's not a desirable route. Early diagnosis can stop this pathway and put in a positive structure around your child so they can cope without being instantly judged because they repeatedly get into undesirable situations. It's a prevention strategy - which is less traumatic for all involved.

I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and I feel so upset for little me, who struggled so much. I missed so many opportunities and my self esteem was as low as it could be.

DD was diagnosed age 12 and she's now on medication and has extra assistance at school. It also helps her to understand that she's not stupid or lazy, her brain just works differently and she learns in a different way.

In most areas there is a 2-3 year waiting list for adhd or autism assessment, nearer 5 years for a more complex sen assessment.

I would speak to school and get a referral in place so that you’re on the waiting list. When your turn comes and you get the appointment, if you still have no concerns then just cancel the appointment.

If he does have Sen needs then a diagnosis and working school support in place before secondary school application age (beginning of year 6) will make a huge difference!

In the mean time some things which you can try if you think he has adhd tendencies are below for you, none of them do any harm if he doesn’t.

High protein breakfast every day
Exercise every day before school (if you have a garden get a trampoline!)
zinc, magnesium, l-theanine and omega 3 supplements
play therapy
retained primative reflex screening and if needed therapy (usually have to wait till 7)
hearing test
Wobble cushion and theraband in school (and for meals at home), fidget tools.
Ear defenders if meltdowns happen more in busy or loud places

It depends on the school, my daughters school puts support in place without diagnosis. Although it is an enhanced resources school with a head with a SENCO specialism. One of my friends children went through the assessment route for autism and it came back as there's something going on but we aren't sure about autism. The heads response was we will continue to provide support for the symptoms and how X presents we don't need a diagnosis to keep doing that and let's see how things evolve over time. They have made adjustments this year for things that were difficult last year and that's helped a lot. The company doing the assessment are providing on going support too and will potentially look at redoing the assessment once they are older

I was diagnosed as ADHD as an adult. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I think I would have had a much less stressful childhood and much happier adulthood, and I would have made different choices career-wise, if I had been aware at a younger age of how my brain worked and that I wasn't just "defective" in some ways.

This resonates.

No … I was thinking earlier that probably everything is fine until I come in. But then I do kind of feel like dh lets some stuff go that I don’t,

Fundamentally I do think we’ve got a big personality clash, he doesn’t seem to like me much and if I’m honest the feeling is mutual sometimes, quite a lot of the time. I know the onus needs to be on me to change that but it’s hard when we can’t really talk or communicate successfully. It feels like it’s getting worse, too.

He may have SEN or he may not but what you describe he has issues with emotional regulation and you need to be teaching him the skills to recognise his emotions and deal with them.

Well, kids that age can be very stroppy, strong willed etc but if you think there’s a genuine problem, then pursue it.

I know but it isn’t a very easy process. Especially as we struggle to talk.

What sort of stuff does DH let go which you don’t? Are you trying to set boundaries?

It’s not easy. I have SEND children and I work hard at this.

What do you mean by you struggle to talk? Does he response when you talk about things he enjoys eg Octonoughts, minecraft, football or whatever it is? Does he chat when you’re doing things together eg in car, baking, crafts, walking on walls? Does he respond when you involve him
in plans eg “What do you want to do this weekend?”Or is it just emotions he struggles with?

Stuff like eg he will drop rubbish on the floor (of the house I mean not outside) and I make him put in the bin. That’s just one example there are more.

I would start the process, referral wait is multiple years. Do not wait until late primary or will be too late for secondary.

Nursery and teachers often do not want paperwork and will happily brush under carpet hoping to hand problem and costs onto next setting

In your shoes, there’s probably no immediate need to get a diagnosis at this time but if he struggles to cope with school, then getting him seen by a specialist paediatrician would be sensible as they can offer advice and suggestions for strategies could make a huge difference to his ability to cope and even thrive.

Also, bear in mind that school staff are not medically competent to diagnose these things. DS has autism and dyspraxia and was diagnosed by a paediatric neurologist when he was 15.

As DS has always been quietly academic and non sporty, both primary and secondary school staff dismissed my concerns that he was struggling with some aspects of school life. However, DS was getting bullied and starting to self harm so I knew I needed professional help fast.

Once he was diagnosed, the paediatrician wrote a list of adjustments for the school to implement and DS’s life has been transformed. To be fair, once they had the letter from the neurologist, the school has implement everything we’ve asked for.

@Clutterbug2026 so a lot of that if you talk to him about something he likes tends to be a bit … nonsense tbh. A monologue which doesn’t necessarily make a whole lot of sense, he’s started making up words which I’m guessing is him playing with language but he’ll say something like ‘mummy that thing is called a <made up word>’ a lot. And he tends to repeat words a lot. So you can be stood for ten minutes while he says ‘mummy and ‘you know’ over and over.

It takes years to get a diagnosis so I would start now.

Yeah. That bodes well.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cy7gz3xdelno

Look up info dumping. Does it sounds like that?

What about the other things you talk about?

Not really tbh, as there isn’t anything particularly informative in it. It’s mostly just nonsense really.

Go with your gut. Concerns about my DS were first flagged when he was 2. He's 5 and we still don't have an official diagnosis although it's very obvious he is autistic
If you talk to GP and school and nothing is concerning at least you know you've tried. If he's got SEN you can't just ignore it and hope for the best, it won't get better.
I had massive problems getting my DH to accept DS had SEN. He kept saying he's just a late developer, he was born early etc. It took a long time and meetings with Senco but he did accept it eventually and is now incredibly close to DS.

YANBU. The only reason he would need a diagnosis is if he needs more support to access education than the school can provide.

So definitely talk to the school and see how he's doing and if they are able to educate him within their current resources.

The pathway to an EHCP is a dreadful one so I'd avoid it if he doesn't actually need additional support above and beyond what the school can reasonably provide.