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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not pursuing a diagnosis for five year old?

193 replies

woodenwalls · 01/01/2026 13:02

May be a controversial one.

DS is five and as he gets older I do think there’s possibly some SEN there. He is very reactive: loses his temper easily, screams an shouts (had a lot of that this holiday) - as a toddler his tantrums were awful, he’d claw at my face, pull my hair … I found him really difficult and I wonder if maybe some of that’s affecting us still. I can’t get him to listen; I’ve really made an effort with strategies that promise they work and they don’t 😩

OTOH, nursery didn’t flag anything, neither have school. I’m reluctant to go to the GP; dh wouldn’t be on board and it doesn’t seem like support is very forthcoming anyway. I guess what I’m asking is AIBU to just … leave it, and struggle on?

OP posts:
Greyrock2828 · 01/01/2026 16:07

I think from what I've read you would probably be better seeing a child psychologist/psychiatrist rather then seeking a diagnosis - as a first step. They can support with parenting courses/advice. It sounds as though you and your DH have different parenting styles which can be confusing for kids, they need consistency. You haven't said of anything else you've spotted which flags sen apart from the behavioural issues highlighted.

Original poster
woodenwalls · 01/01/2026 16:08

LiteraryBambi · 01/01/2026 16:06

YANBU. The only reason he would need a diagnosis is if he needs more support to access education than the school can provide.

So definitely talk to the school and see how he's doing and if they are able to educate him within their current resources.

The pathway to an EHCP is a dreadful one so I'd avoid it if he doesn't actually need additional support above and beyond what the school can reasonably provide.

Definitely don’t think he’d qualify for an ehcp even if he was diagnosed.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 01/01/2026 16:08

Superscientist · 01/01/2026 15:37

It depends on the school, my daughters school puts support in place without diagnosis. Although it is an enhanced resources school with a head with a SENCO specialism. One of my friends children went through the assessment route for autism and it came back as there's something going on but we aren't sure about autism. The heads response was we will continue to provide support for the symptoms and how X presents we don't need a diagnosis to keep doing that and let's see how things evolve over time. They have made adjustments this year for things that were difficult last year and that's helped a lot. The company doing the assessment are providing on going support too and will potentially look at redoing the assessment once they are older

Show quote history

This is why it's so crucial to TALK TO SCHOOL

  1. to find out what the processes are in place in your area (it seems to differ every where)
  2. to see whether they think there is a potential problem which they have not raised with you
  3. see if incidents at school of the same kind
  4. be aware that some times kids can act us with 'safe people' precisely because they know they can. It doesn't mean there isn't a problem. It means the safe person is the punching bag for release for all the other stresses they've bottled up in the day
  5. you DO have a problem they might be able to help with WITHOUT a diagnosis.

You might find that talking to school is a stepping stone to resolving your communication problems and this is a valid thing to approach school about in its own right.

GusGloop · 01/01/2026 16:12

woodenwalls · 01/01/2026 14:48

While I don’t expect his teachers or nursery staff to have directly said ‘we think he may have …’ (although I know some cases where they have) there would surely be signs of struggling?

I don’t know. I often think my expectations are off. It’s just hard as I’m not the parent I want to be but can’t seem to change anything.

Yes my experience was that staff flagged things up to me from nursery age and encouraged/helped with referrals. I still think you should talk to school even if this hasn't happened for you, so they can consider the whole picture for your child and hopefully offer help and support. It might not even be a referral for diagnosis but some other kind of support for managing behaviour.

The senco will be the most informed about signs of SEN, every school has one. So I would ask the school if it could be possible for the senco to observe your child in a classroom setting and go from there. They will have more of a picture of your child than the GP.

You could seek advice from the GP for yourself if you are struggling though.x

LiteraryBambi · 01/01/2026 16:12

woodenwalls · 01/01/2026 16:08

Definitely don’t think he’d qualify for an ehcp even if he was diagnosed.

Show quote history

You'd be surprised......

But agree, just make sure he's got the support he needs in school and take it from there

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 01/01/2026 16:12

woodenwalls · 01/01/2026 16:08

Definitely don’t think he’d qualify for an ehcp even if he was diagnosed.

Show quote history

My dd showed no symptoms at his age apart from meltdowns. I had suspicions but school said no problem ofc.

By 16 she was an EBSA and we urgently needed an EHCP. We got one. She was out of education for 18 months. The stress was unbelievable. So many missed opportunities. ADHD medication changed everything. However she was in severe ND burnout for 5 years. You really don’t want that.

Get an assessment asap. If he is ND it gets worse as they get older.

LiteraryBambi · 01/01/2026 16:12

You'd be surprised......

But agree, just make sure he's got the support he needs in school and take it from there

Brainsnotsomuch · 01/01/2026 16:13

I used to feel this way, DD is much the same.
bur she started struggling at school with lack of focus and concentration. School have mentioned they are keeping on eye on her, and she does some with the SENCO lady at school.

I must say, the provisions school have put in place while treating her as just potentially having SEN have helped her massively. So I’ve leaned more towards getting a diagnosis now, it can take years so better to start now rather than later when you feel you may need it more.

As a side note too. Im not sure if you’re similar to me, but I was finding that I was treating the tantrums, the meltdowns and the ‘not listening’ as bad behaviour and as a result DD was getting a lot of negative feedback from me.
I’ve learnt to ‘walk in her shoes’ a bit, realising some of the things she does she just cannot help. She just can’t. So I try to use as much redirection, and positive reinforcing as possible.. I’m not saying I’m passive, or let her get away with behaviours that aren’t acceptable. But since giving her positive reinforcement her behaviour has improved and her whole demeanour has changed completely. She obviously still had the odd paddy now and then. But it’s nothing like what it used to be.

cocog · 01/01/2026 16:17

I would put him on the very long waiting list for a diagnosis as it could be 2-3 years for an assessment if you feel like you don’t want to know by then you don’t have to attend they give options at the time.

Uptightmumma · 01/01/2026 16:21

We are not pursuing a diagnoses for our son, he has dyspraxia and ADHD but he manages everything and a formal diagnoses does not benefit him at the moment! We have had meetings with the school, my auntie is one of the SEN assessors in a different school and they have also said nothing would change for him as he and the diagnoses would just put a label on him

Original poster
woodenwalls · 01/01/2026 16:21

I think that’s what’s hard because yes I am far too negative with him but also some stuff does need addressing. Maybe I should just accept he can’t help it and let bim
do what he eangs?

OP posts:
Bones75 · 01/01/2026 16:21

What's your parenting style like?

Original poster
woodenwalls · 01/01/2026 16:22

Bones75 · 01/01/2026 16:21

What's your parenting style like?

Probably quite authoritarian without really wanting to be.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 01/01/2026 16:22

Being angry and having tantrums as a 5yo is not a sign of SEN. There's no need to struggle on though. Have you considered a parenting course?. Once your child is older if he's still angry then you can self refer to CAMHS to get onto an anger management programme for him. It won't help if it's anything like my ds.

I'm not sure I understand what diagnosis you think is necessary?

Original poster
woodenwalls · 01/01/2026 16:24

I’ve read a lot of parenting books and started an online course but the techniques just don’t work. So I’m a bit wary.

OP posts:
Original poster
woodenwalls · 01/01/2026 16:24

I'm not sure I understand what diagnosis you think is necessary? I don’t think there is. I don’t think there’s anything to be gained from a diagnosis.

OP posts:
OttersMayHaveShifted · 01/01/2026 16:34

I don't really see any downsides to seeking a diagnosis. If he were to be diagnosed, with ADHD for example, you gain the following: 1) the reassurance that it's not 'just your parenting' 2) access to potential strategies and medication designed for the condition he has. If he turns out not to have anything diagnosable, you can rule that out and start focusing on other ways of improving your relationship.

'He's not diagnosed' isn't really a good reason for posting on AIBU rather than the SEN board, as you are much less likely to get knowledgeable and helpful responses. All the posters with diagnoses on the SEN board have been where you are (i.e. without a diagnosis). They're hardly going to say 'Go away - your child isn't diagnosed'!

Sterlingsilver · 01/01/2026 16:36

woodenwalls · 01/01/2026 14:24

It’s just really hard to know. I’ve had nothing negative from school (he’s only been there a term) but absolutely nothing, not even anything small. And nothing was ever flagged at nursery, but his anger and temper and the way we struggle to even have a basic conversation is so difficult, I’m not steadfastly refusing to go to the gp despite concerns being raised, it’s just literally nothing has.

He may be masking at school which is why they're not seeing it.

But it's like a coke bottle being shaken up all day and then he gets home and explodes.

Coconutter24 · 01/01/2026 16:37

woodenwalls · 01/01/2026 15:47

No … I was thinking earlier that probably everything is fine until I come in. But then I do kind of feel like dh lets some stuff go that I don’t,

Fundamentally I do think we’ve got a big personality clash, he doesn’t seem to like me much and if I’m honest the feeling is mutual sometimes, quite a lot of the time. I know the onus needs to be on me to change that but it’s hard when we can’t really talk or communicate successfully. It feels like it’s getting worse, too.

Show quote history

I was sort of thinking that if he behaves for his dad and not you it could just be because he knows he can push boundaries with you. My niece no SEN behaves for everyone but the minute her mum is in the room she changes completely. My nephew with SEN he is just the same for whoever he is with

Needlenardlenoo · 01/01/2026 16:38

Have you tried any parenting books, OP? I can relate to feeling like my relationship with my child was poor. Tbh it's really common for mothers to have it tougher though, and also really common for dads to minimise difficulties (sometimes because they are in denial that they have ND/SEN themselves...)

DH found the process of DD being diagnosed really empowering in the end. He said it explained a lot. About him...

Here are some I found useful:

Calm Parents, Happy Kids (Laura Markham)
10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Jeffrey Bernstein)
The Explosive Child (Ross Greene)

One well known one that really didn't work for me was "How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen". Despite being superficially extremely articulate, my DD has some quite extensive but subtle issues with communication. As she's my only child I didn't have much to compare her with. Although when we'd have a playmate round, I'd be like: "Whoa! This must be what two-way conversations feel like!"

GreenPoms · 01/01/2026 16:39

It’s frustrating when people say they are seeking a “diagnosis”. It makes it sound like scarier than it really is because it suggests a preconceived belief that the child does have autism/ADHD etc.

Really we should be seeking an assessment.

surprisebaby12 · 01/01/2026 16:39

early intervention has a major impact on outcomes, and there are some brilliant resources on offer now

TeaAndTired · 01/01/2026 16:45

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all — what you’re describing is a really uncomfortable middle ground to be in.

One thing I’d gently say is that it doesn’t have to be a straight choice between pursuing a diagnosis right now or doing nothing and struggling on. A lot of children sit in that in-between space for quite a while, especially at five, when regulation, language and coping are still very much developing.

It can sometimes help to focus less on labels and more on what actually makes day-to-day life calmer — routines, transitions, expectations, how stress is building up — and to review things over time rather than feeling you need to make a once-and-for-all decision now.

You’re also not imagining how exhausting it is when strategies that are meant to “work” don’t help. That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.

If it helps, I do occasionally offer confidential one-to-one parent support calls where we talk things through and try to make sense of what might be going on, without pressure to diagnose or take any particular path. Happy to share details by PM.

But either way — you’re not being unreasonable, and you don’t have to decide everything at once.

Clutterbug2026 · 01/01/2026 16:45

woodenwalls · 01/01/2026 16:05

Not really tbh, as there isn’t anything particularly informative in it. It’s mostly just nonsense really.

Show quote history

Does he talk nonesense to others?

PocketSand · 01/01/2026 16:47

All schools are different but I would be wary of expecting them to be honest. DS2’s primary school insisted there was no problem with parents but told a different tale when an NHS specialist ADHD nurse observed him in class. They knew that the report recommending ADHD medication and assessment for ASD including teacher comments had been shared with parents but still sought to argue all was fine. I can only think that their motivation to block diagnosis was financially based. Thankfully they failed and my son got the EHCP support and meds to enable him to progress. During the formal diagnosis of ASD they were actually reprimanded by GOSH for submitting reports that could not be true given assessments carried out by their own SALT, OT and EP. He’s now at uni studying mechanical engineering.