In not pursuing a diagnosis for five year old?

[woodenwalls]

May be a controversial one.

DS is five and as he gets older I do think there’s possibly some SEN there. He is very reactive: loses his temper easily, screams an shouts (had a lot of that this holiday) - as a toddler his tantrums were awful, he’d claw at my face, pull my hair … I found him really difficult and I wonder if maybe some of that’s affecting us still. I can’t get him to listen; I’ve really made an effort with strategies that promise they work and they don’t 😩

OTOH, nursery didn’t flag anything, neither have school. I’m reluctant to go to the GP; dh wouldn’t be on board and it doesn’t seem like support is very forthcoming anyway. I guess what I’m asking is AIBU to just … leave it, and struggle on?

Even if it is a parenting issue then school will be able to talk to you about local support available which may help you all.

It makes such a difference at school and in extra curricular activities to have a diagnosis.

essential for university down the road.

I know my son has found a great relief in his diagnosis enabling him to understand himself.

I can’t understand why you wouldn’t pursue.

waiting lists are years long so it’s essential to get started asap.

don’t know how the process works in England but in Scotland you either go via the school or pay privately. NHS doesn’t do it.

Nursery and school usually do flag things up if they suspect SEN and can help with referrals to the NHS waiting list for assessment. If they haven't brought it up with you but you suspect SEN I'd ask them their opinion. You can ask for the school SENCO to observe your child in class and see what they think.

Just to let you know my child was on the waiting list for 3 years so if you do suspect SEN and want an NHS diagnosis it's better to get the ball rolling. People can be sceptical of a private diagnosis which is why I waited out the NHS.

Because it’s a lifelong condition that will show up in any medical checks and may affect future career etc? All for some extra exam time (in mild cases where the diagnosis is ‘to cover bases’)

Unreasonable to not seek out diagnosis and support for your child who might need it and continue to carry on with you and more importantly him, struggling? Yeah just a bit unreasonable.

I wish I’d pushed for an assessment for DS when he was that age (the school said there was no issues). He’s now recently diagnosed with ADHD in year 10 and having to do a lot of catch-up. The senco at his school was great and said that they would support without the diagnosis but that he’d need one for college and uni.

I really wish we’d gone through the assessment when he was in primary. Both for academic reason and that he would have understood himself better sooner rather than thinking he was an outsider.

Our SENCO at school was very helpful. GP was useless but referred us anyway. DS is incredible at school in all ways, struggles to regulate at home, lots of anger etc. GP seemed to have never heard of masking. DS is 10, there must be many children like him who don’t have terrible issues but could do with an assessment. SENCO agreed it’s worth getting an assessment so he can understand himself more and because we’ll always have an ‘I wonder’ in our minds. So just get an assessment. He’ll still be the same kid obviously but a diagnosis (or not) can provide relief, understanding, strategies, special adjustments on offer (can take them or not).

I think trust your gut op, as others have said I’d start conversations now with school & gp to consider assessment. NHS waiting lists are years in most areas, if they have autism/adhd /both then extra support in school and work place will be invaluable.

You are coping right now. He is small, isn't in puberty or doing exams. Once he is older, things will be much harder. If you wait to be assessed until then, you will be in with a long wait. NHS assessment where I am is at a 5+ year wait. Private assessment isn't accepted by the NHS. Don't wait until you have a crisis to seek out the support.

If he has a diagnosis, you don't need to change anything if it doesn't work for you, but it may open up support once you need it

How much parenting does DH do?

Does not harm talking to school. What year group is he in?

As pp have said, I’d take him for a hearing test and eye sight test first. I wouldn’t rely on the fact, the school has said nothing. Teachers are not qualified to diagnose anything, and generally SENCOs at best only do screening tests. Some teachers clearly have very little knowledge of SEN.

I can’t count how many children, I have come across, who were later diagnosed with any combination of autism, ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, poor working memory, dyscalculia and the infant/junior/secondary school had noticed nothing!

(As the mother of two children with SEN, one of whom was always in special provision from age 4. Some of her friends joined her in specialist residential schools, and their mainstream schools had still not noticed anything needing a statement (now EHC plan), never mind a specialist school until their parents went to tribunal!)

Try reading “The Explosive Child” and “Out of Synch Child”, which are not about any specific SEN, but I found them both very insightful.

You cant just leave it and struggle on because you have to support his behaviour whether its sen or not as it sounds hard and need to change.

You will need to find strategies that help either way.

Personally I have found a lot of strategies that work for asd and adhd work pretty well for NT children too. Things like sensory issues can affect all children. Lots of children like routine. Lots of children like now/next language and visual timetables. They dont harm NT children. You can just crack on and try them out. My NT child was great with them.

Where an assessment helps is if you know something specific is an issue you can leap straight to the most likely strategy to work. Particularly sensory or comes issues

And dont worry. So what if it is your parenting? Thats the easiest thing to change, everyone has to learn to parent as they go along and respond to the child they have

School and nurseries often avoid telling parents when they suspect SEN but can meet the child’s needs because so many parents react badly to it. Don’t take the fact that school hasn’t said anything as an indication that they don’t think your child has SEN.

He could well just be a kid with a bad temper, I don’t know.

School staff are absolutely shit at spotting or supporting neurodivergent children. The vast majority have next to no training on neurodivergent conditions. Don't rely on them to give you any clues.

If you think he might be nd, a diagnosis might give you an explanation for his behaviour and lead you towards coping mechanisms. The waiting lists are very very very long so even if you get him on one now he might not be seen for 5 or 6 years anyway. Unless you go Right to Choose.

I will say that your son deserves to grow up understanding why he struggles with things. Why wouldn't you want him to be assessed if knowing might make his life even slightly easier?

There's no way on this earth that any doctor would have prescribed meds if the child didn't have ADHD.

gosh really don’t know what you are talking about about do you?

would you prevent your child from
accessing medical and educational support for other life long conditions too? Epilepsy - diabetes? Or is it just neurodiversity that you have a lack of knowledge and understanding of.

a bit more time in exams? 🤣

Educational support and approach is far more significant than that. Once school changed their approach he changed from the naughty, lazy boy who hated school, was always in trouble, and was failing everything to now fully integrated, taking part in extra curriculars, getting As and Bs and loving school.

he wouldn’t have made it the exams extra time or not, nor had a chance of a decent career.

his is a relatively mild case.

I hope you learn some things on this thread that challenge your prejudices.

Assuming this is a genuine question... you would get likely get more thoughtful responses in 'parenting', 'behaviour/development' or even 'chat:. I also think you'd be fine to post in SEN, a concern that your child needs a diagnosis is a perfectly legitimate post in that section.

As a first step look at the AQ10 questions and see how that looks for him. Talk to his teachers. Make notes of any behaviours that concern you. If there is anything you think a GP would benefit from seeing, film it. Then go to the GP, informed and with evidence in hand.

My DS was about 9 when he was diagnosed. Me and DH felt like the last to know. His reception teacher suspected autism immediately but we weren't sure as he would display both neurotypical and neurodiverse behaviours.

At the most basic level, getting a diagnosis and then an ECHP allowed us to prove he wasn't just naughty, we weren't bad parents and get some support.

I would speak to the school and ask them to begin the SEN assessment process. It takes time and I think they will stop it if he really doesn't have observable extra needs.

I wish we had started the process sooner but neither nursery or school picked up anything. For a nurodiverse family it's also hard to pick up on some elements because they are "normal" to you. It got a lot worse for us before school would really offer support or take it seriously. Mine was/is great at masking untill he got exhausted and stopped being able to attend school.

If your child needed a hearing air or glasses would you not get them? Its something to explore there is a lot of support and resources available without any diagnoses. The wait is long. We started at age 5 only just got an assessment using right to choose option at the gp and he is now 8 years old. I am particularly hoping we can get a ehcp for secondary school that's when he will need all the support and extra time/understanding he can get.

I am yet to get a diagnosis for myself but I can see how it would of helped my own understanding of myself growing up. I would of known how to pace myself and understood why I needed to do that. I would of been able to cope so much better at school. That alone is enough for me to want to get as much support as possible for my children.

Perhaps explore further why you don't want to explore the options?

Even on the private route you can’t access meds that quickly. After diagnosis ( which is more than a 1.5 hour appt) medication requires multiple appts to titrate dosage over weeks and months.

you either aren’t in the uk or your close relative isn’t sharing every detail of their medical join with you

My mildly autistic son is really struggling in secondary school. If you have the time, and please feel free to DM me, what support worked for him? The school seem a bit clueless. Thank you very much ❤️

Unless the school have expressed concerns, you can’t get your son assessed anyway, at least not on the NHS. A school report is a requirement for referrals. However, I would have regular dialogue with his teachers, because if there is an issue then the earlier it’s identified the better. Bear in mind that the waiting time for assessments such as ASD and ADHD is several years. The priority is always to get a diagnosis in place before secondary school if possible.

Your ds seems to be struggling - I don't know of a single child who enjoys struggling to control their emotions. If it is not resolving, then you need to change what you are doing. It may be SEN, it may be immaturity, it may be something else. But doing nothing doesn't seem to be a good option.

I would suggest starting with reading - some books have already been suggested, but learn more about emotional intelligence, neurodiversity and behaviour and see if anything strikes a chord with you. You are right in one way - there is little support post diagnosis, but for most parents it is the starting point to learning how they can help their child with differences in the way they manage life. You may find that making adjustments now is all that is needed in the short term. However - while I understand many trying to avoid "labelling" their child as it could affect them later in life in terms of the judgement of others, it is the way to access support right now so their life chances are improved earlier on. Theoretically you don't need a diagnosis for support (DSA at university is the exception!) but in reality it helps.

Talk to his teachers - they may have noticed things that would be enough to raise with you yet, but if you say you are considering how to manage things, they may be able to add to the picture. It is quite common for children to hold everything in at school (which takes a lot of effort) only to let in all out once they get home. and changes to things both in school and out of school may help with this.

Take a breath - then think about what is not working and how to change it. that is the focus for your child.