In not pursuing a diagnosis for five year old?

[woodenwalls]

May be a controversial one.

DS is five and as he gets older I do think there’s possibly some SEN there. He is very reactive: loses his temper easily, screams an shouts (had a lot of that this holiday) - as a toddler his tantrums were awful, he’d claw at my face, pull my hair … I found him really difficult and I wonder if maybe some of that’s affecting us still. I can’t get him to listen; I’ve really made an effort with strategies that promise they work and they don’t 😩

OTOH, nursery didn’t flag anything, neither have school. I’m reluctant to go to the GP; dh wouldn’t be on board and it doesn’t seem like support is very forthcoming anyway. I guess what I’m asking is AIBU to just … leave it, and struggle on?

Yes, I agree — recognising there’s a difficulty and responding early, in practical ways, is often what makes the biggest difference. It doesn’t have to be about labels, just about reducing stress and helping things work better day to day.

@RedToothBrush Yes, I agree — recognising there’s a difficulty and responding early, in practical ways, is often what makes the biggest difference. It doesn’t have to be about labels, just about reducing stress and helping things work better day to day.

There you go. That's probably why he walks all over you.

Have you tried the naughty step, putting him there and not letting him off until he cools down? Of course he'll resist if you try to discipline but arent consistent

But keep consistent, even if it takes him an hour to stay put on the step, dont engage in his tantrums and tell him why he was put on the seat when hes calmed down.

Hugely unreasonable- think of the support your child may need rather than your short-term comfort of dodging appointments. This isn’t normal child behaviour. Be a parent to your child and support him. This is literally your only job.

You can parent him as if he has ADHD/autism - look up strategies read books etc, if they help you can revisit diagnosis.

It's hard to tell from your posts, honestly, because you sound in need of support regardless of whether or not your son has SEN/disabilities. You sound worn down, potentially depressed, unsupported at home, and lacking confidence in your parenting - and it's hard to know if your DS is responding to that or he has additional needs. To be clear, I'm not blaming you. But my son has SEN, and our relationship has been the worst, and I've found parenting hardest when my mental health has been worse.

When you say, you struggle to have a conversation, do you mean that he literally cannot follow the thread of a conversation? As in, he doesn't seem to understand he needs to respond to questions, or responds with non sequiturs? Or is it that he doesn't want to talk about things you want to talk about? What happens if you join in with his made up word games? Can you follow his lead more?

The thing that helped us most with our DS was both seeing a psychologist about parenting him and our own feelings about that, alongside the diagnostic process. We saw someone privately, it wasn't cheap, but it was probably the best money I spent in terms of restoring my relationship with my DS and getting my confidence back as a parent.

The tantrums DD2 had in childhood were the only indicator we saw, of the ADHD (inattentive type). Otherwise, she was a shy well behaved child. At the time, we just thought her personality was different to the other two DC.

She’s an adult now and emotional volatility is still the most obvious outward symptom. She can cover up her lack of attention and failure to comprehend what’s being said. We only know about those, because she’s told us how she masks.

What do you think about the number of adults who seek out diagnoses later in life? Wouldn’t it have saved a lot of stress and sadness if they had had these answers earlier?

From your OP, I question the attitude of your husband. He seems afraid of a diagnosis. A diagnosis doesn’t change who your child is or what they are capable of.

My son really struggled with his temper and understanding things when he was little. He’d smash up his bedroom, would attack his brother and no punishment bothered him. We’d take things away and he wouldn’t care.

Back then I just thought he struggled emotionally because he was the youngest in the school year. No one really went on and on about SEN or ND.

He is now training to be a psychologist. He can give you the traits of a genuine person with ADHD or Autism.

These days we are surrounded by people jumping on the ND bandwagon. It’s pathetic really, everyone saying they have ADHD or are autistic. Most people don’t have and are not. It seems to be the in thing, people stating they have undiagnosed this and that. If you are self diagnosing you probably don’t have IT!

For those who really do have autism or ADHD it’s an insult. For parents whose children REALLY DO have SEN it must be frustrating especially as it could potentially hold up a genuine diagnosis for their child.

🤣🤣🤣

Yeah the naughty step worked so well for my them undiagnosed AUDHD dd. It probably works if you’ve got 48 hours to spare and don’t mind being kicked or hit.

I’m traumatised by the memories of that naughty step shite. It made no difference.

This is not true. We had concerns about DGD having ADHD from age 2, because DD2 had ADHD. By age 5, DS had concerns she had ADHD, and he told the school about them in Y2. He went to the GP and got the form for screening. The school had to fill in part of the form. They put DGD down as 10/10 for inattentiveness - the most distractible child in the class. The school hadn’t expressed this as a concern at all, until DS gave them the form!

DGD was diagnosed with severe ADHD with autistic traits.

I have a disabled DS9 (choosing disabled over neuro-divergent deliberately) with classic autism, ADHD, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder, dyslexia and anxiety. I have been exactly where the OP is and was sent on a parenting course before DS was given even basic help. (The conclusion: there is bugger all wrong with my parenting except that I was being too sergeant major-like to poor DS, compensating for people's perception that DS was a horror because I let him do whatever he wanted).

Life is about to get materially harder for SEND children and their parents and it is likely that only the most severely impacted will obtain support. It appears that parents' legal right to challenge LA decisions will be replaced with a right for schools to do so (except they wont, because they don't have the time, staff or expertise). In these circumstances, I would say it is essential for the OP to speak to both school and GP urgently. FWIW it's normal for behaviours associated with autism, for example, to exacerbate over a holiday period when routines are disrupted. If (and it's still a big "if" at the moment) there is something SEND-related going on here, the earlier the diagnosis the better. You will also need time because delays and prevarication are already baked-in to the system. I would not want to wait, especially with the appalling withdrawal of support that is coming down the road.

My DGC had a fierce temper from toddlerhood, would bang their head against the wall, punch furniture (never people) and totally lose control but this never happened at nursery or school. As they grew older the behaviour improved as they learnt how to process their feelings and we, as a family, developed the right listening skills and now, nearly 18, is a caring and loving person who's able to discuss the bad stuff and work through them. So, 'just a kid with a bad temper' until they were able to handle their emotions 💐
(I'm not saying yay or nay to testing by the way as I have no knowledge of that)

He won’t get appropriate support in the future without diagnosis. I currently manage a young adult who acknowledges they’re autistic but their parents didn’t want a ‘label’ when younger. As a result this person struggles both socially and with following instructions etc. please don’t let your child down by not even finding out if they need a diagnosis.

I would definitely speak to the school. Class teacher first and then possibly the SENCo depending on how that chat goes. Some children with SEN mask at school, and then meltdown at home where they feel safer to do so. If the school aren't aware of what is happening at home they might not know to look out for perhaps more subtle indicators.

There is no harm in looking into it further, and possibly lots of benefit for your child in that the school might be able to make some adjustments that remove pressure at school, which in turn could result in less explosive behaviour at home. This can all happen without a diagnosis. But if you dont talk to them they will have no idea of how he is behaving when he isn't there.

Worth bearing in mind that children with ADHD are both criticised more often and are often intensely sensitive to criticism. Unless they are aware of this and can be helped to develop coping strategies, it's hard to see ultimately how you avoid their self-worth being impacted.

I know somebody whose mental health has been severely impacted as an adult because his parents used the same excuse. He is filled with rage at them sadly and has struggled in all walks of life. I wonder how different his life might have been with assessment and appropriate support. It’s extremely sad.

@pinkstripeycatmy dd was diagnosed 6 months ago. I fought with the school for ages. I was willing to go private (her dad has late diagnosed adhd and I saw the impact it had on him not having realised earlier) but the school actually interpreted that as I was going to buy a diagnosis so I think yes I have been impacted by a perception that people
play the system.