Am I Unreasonable To Be Surprised That 6 Friends Sent Me Happy New Year Messages Even Though My Daughter Has Just Died

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died, totally unexpectedly, aged 24, on 29 October.

We are demented with grief over the loss of her.

DH and I and our other 2 younger children went to Morocco over Christmas to escape the UK. We arrived home and we all went to bed early last night.

I was surprised, upon waking this morning, to find 6 Happy New Year messages via text and WhatsApp (I am not on any other SM). Those were in addition to some other very finely judged messages of support. All the generic messages came from people who knew of the death of our daughter and 3 of them were from really close friends who had been particularly supportive.

I am sure that the messages were sent out to lots of people and I was not specifically chosen. But if you had a very close friend who had lost a child recently, would you take some care not to send a message like that?

I recognise I am hugely emotional and might well be unreasonable to be surprised and a bit upset about this.

I am not going to say anything to these people about it and I shall carry on with them as before. I did find it a bit crass though and slightly upsetting to wake this morning to those messages.

I don’t mind being told I am unreasonable. But please be kind. I am very fragile at the moment.

Exactly this. Anyone saying the 'friends' did nothing wrong need to give their head a wobble!

Wow. I’m not remotely surprised the OP hasn’t returned to this thread. And I sincerely hope nobody in your life has experienced a significant bereavement and been misguided enough to look to you for any shred of empathy, let alone ‘lotsnlotsoflove’.

I'm so sorry @LadyMacbethWasFierce

I think your friends that did this were incredibly insensitive & lacking in empathy.

I would find it hard to get over the crassness and would quietly drop them (not suggesting you do this, but I would personally find it unforgivable).

All they had to say was that they were thinking of you or were sending you love.

But we have ALL gone through grief.

Some of the replies on this thread will just be adding to the distress and hurt the OP is already feeling.
I am finding some of them really shocking and I am several years on from losing my child.
Of course it is AIBU.
OP, if you haven't found the Bereavement board, it is a safe, supportive space for those of us who are grieving. The people on there understand.

I suspect that these people sent out a generic Happy New Year message to the contacts in their phone. Sending someone who has lost a child (regardless of their age) within the last 3 months, a Happy New Year message, is thoughtless. I doubt very much it was sent in a malicious way, but it was thoughtless. You are all grieving, losing your daughter is still very raw and the pain deep. Life at the moment, is most definitely not happy. I'd try to put it aside, and focus on the fact that these people have been supportive. Sending you much love and a hug ❤️

I agree. I might not have sent any message on NYE specifically because I would’ve thought that the OP and family might want time and space at a potentially incredibly upsetting time, having gone abroad. (That’s not a criticism of those who sent sensitive messages though. There’s more than one possible approach here.). I wouldn’t have been ignoring though, and would’ve been in touch soon after.

We haven't all lost a child.

I am so sorry. You're in the middle of the worst possible thing a person can go through, so of course anything with happy or celebration in it will be so incredibly jarring it will take your breath away when you read it.
Your heart is broken. I'm so so sorry.x

Does not meant that you cannot acknowledge how another person is feeling and tbh losing a child is hardly the same as losing an aged grandparent. I have lost both my parents, but cannot imagine the pain the op is suffering with the loss of her daughter.

Exactly!

If it were me and I knew how much you were struggling, I'd have still sent a happy new year message, and I might have added an acknowledgement that it's a hard time, or amended it to say I hope the new year is kind to your, or similar. It's possible your friends didn't think a generic message would be upsetting at all though - I think grief is hard to understand and it's different for everybody. If they hadn't messaged at all then you might feel upset that they hadn't bothered even though you'd just lost your daughter. Kindly, I think your grief is clouding your judgement a little, especially as you say your friends have been generally very supportive.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I really do hope the new year is kind to you.

Xxx

Exactly. Quite why people think the OP is being unreasonable just baffles me. Have a heart people for goodness sake.

I am so sorry op for your loss. I can feel your pain and I have no doubt how hard it is for you.

What?? Of course they should tiptoe around OP. She’s suffered a devastating loss and the generic messages were thoroughly inappropriate and thoughtless.
I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

Surely this year is bound to be better than last year was when she lost her child? It would hardly be worse.

One grief isnt more important than another though.

I have a colleague who told me that she still cries every week - over her mother dying 8 years ago.

Death is something that sadly we all have to deal with.

I send you lots of love OP

You can't possibly know that. Plus, losing a child is against the natural order of things and is most people's worst nightmare. Losing a parent or a grandparent, even in traumatic circumstances, isn't the same at all.

'Tiptoe'?

Dear god.

@LadyMacbethWasFierce I am so sorry for your loss

I know people who have lost a child.

My mother lost a child. My cousin lost a child.

My mother cries over her own mother's death and her child's death, equally. She was very close to her mother. She remembers them both

I have been in a similar position.

Thing is, people don't know what to say. They don't want to send no message, because they're afraid you'll think they don't care. On the other hand, they don't want to speak directly about your loss, because they don't know what to say or whether to say anything. They're terrified of upsetting you - they don't realise that you couldn't be more unhappy than you already are.

So they fall back on meaningless convention. They think that's the safest option.

They don't mean to be insensitive. In fact, they trying to be very sensitive. They're completely wrong, but it's not for want of trying to do the right thing.

My Daughter died at 24 (cancer). Im sorry you are going through this.
It's so very hard and so so sad.
I think you are extra emotional and that's to be expected, but you will find and I found this the hardest is to other people life goes on.
Im sure your friends meant no disrespect and they would take the pain away if they could, and sending Happy New Year messages is thier way of trying to help you slowly try to start living again. It is a pain noone understands so I think the messages are sent with love even though I think I wouldn't of sent them myself.

You do realise that it is only two months since her child died? OP will have to live the rest of her life without her beloved daughter. I don't really think that 2026 will be better than 2025. The utter shock may have worn off, but the reality of losing her daughter will still be setting in.

People are being so trite and clueless.

Completely insensitive and unkind.

Why not make the message personal along the lines of Wishing you and husbands name and children love and peace for 2026.

i think this is the problem. Maybe they are the kind of people who wanted to be treated as normal when they suffered a loss. most people have suffered some form of loss at some point, it’s very personal how long it takes you to move forward or to feel you want to be treated ‘normally’.

I had a colleague who lost her mum very young and unexpectedly. Our boss emailed that she did not want anyone to speak to her about it or treat her differently.