Am I Unreasonable To Be Surprised That 6 Friends Sent Me Happy New Year Messages Even Though My Daughter Has Just Died

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died, totally unexpectedly, aged 24, on 29 October.

We are demented with grief over the loss of her.

DH and I and our other 2 younger children went to Morocco over Christmas to escape the UK. We arrived home and we all went to bed early last night.

I was surprised, upon waking this morning, to find 6 Happy New Year messages via text and WhatsApp (I am not on any other SM). Those were in addition to some other very finely judged messages of support. All the generic messages came from people who knew of the death of our daughter and 3 of them were from really close friends who had been particularly supportive.

I am sure that the messages were sent out to lots of people and I was not specifically chosen. But if you had a very close friend who had lost a child recently, would you take some care not to send a message like that?

I recognise I am hugely emotional and might well be unreasonable to be surprised and a bit upset about this.

I am not going to say anything to these people about it and I shall carry on with them as before. I did find it a bit crass though and slightly upsetting to wake this morning to those messages.

I don’t mind being told I am unreasonable. But please be kind. I am very fragile at the moment.

How would this year be better? She's just lost her child.

The OP wasn’t asking for the world to revolve around her tragedy, WTF are you talking about?! She needed her loyal, loving friends to remember that her world had caved in only weeks earlier and that Happy New Year messages might possibly be crass and deeply insensitive. If you cannot spare 8 seconds to avoid causing your close friend hurt only two months after one of the most painful things that can happen to a person, then there’s something seriously wrong.

i sent exactly this ’thinking of you’ ( and I am) to my sons lovely live in partner of several years who he dumped 7 weeks ago - the poor lass is devastated and still very upset . I never send out general happy anything’s to generic lists because of the situations that I may or may not know about - I send to people individually to avoid this

I agree. If a close friend or even an acquaintance has been through something so awful, you absolutely can and should tip toe around them.

I know people find it hard to know what to say but a simple ‘thinking if you’ isn’t hard.

Im sorry for what you are going through @LadyMacbethWasFierce .

What? They “can’t be expected to tiptoe around” a dear friend who has suffered the very recent death of her child?! Why not? Honestly my mind absolutely boggles at the attitudes of some people. Staggering.

My boss and his wife lost their Son, He told me the worst part for them was people treating them differently and leaving them out so I think this is one of those situations that is different for everyone. I'm sorry for your loss.

If you can't expect friends to tiptoe around you when your daughter has just died then I've lost touch with how people are interacting with each other.

In my friend group we were certainly tiptoeing around the one who just lost her very elderly mother - imagine wishing someone a generic Merry Xmas the week her mother was buried! Jeez...

YANBU in the sense that If I were to send a message to someone in your situation I would try ensure my message is sensitive.

E.g. HNY , hope this year brings you strength and healing, and I appreciate this season may be a difficult time for your family. Lots of love

I’m very sorry for your loss. How awful.

I do think YABU as no one is in your head and can know how you feel about these things. I know of two women - one lost her 24 year old daughter in a car accident a few years ago and the other lost her 10yr old son this past summer. Both have very different views on generic ‘merry Christmases’ and ‘happy new year’ messages and cards.

If they are generally good, supportive friends then I would not think less of them over this.

This is really, really not how you show a very recently bereaved, grieving friend that you’re ‘still’ thinking of them, 2 months after the loss of their child.

It shows that you’re not thinking of them in any meaningful way at all, because you’ve sent a generic message to everyone in your contacts without it ever occurring to you that for this particular family, that message will be crashingly tone deaf and inappropriate. Far from thinking about them, it’s the very definition of thoughtlessness.

What an unimaginable loss. I'm a former hospice nurse and have witnessed some odd behaviour around grief. I suspect people just can't grasp what you feel right now and lack the skills to articulate the meaning. Perhaps they wanted to send wishes that you can find some tiny slice of peace and comfort this year, though your grief must feel like a permanent state of being right now that might not even be a helpful message. You are not being unreasonable, your feelings are valid, it is thoughtless, but perhaps they were trying their best and if you can compartmentalise that for now you can move forward with (hopefully) supportive friendships and companionships.

No way is op being unreasonable .

The people who sent the messages shouldn't need telling that to send a 'jolly' greeting to someone newly bereft and in the absolute depths of heartbroken grief is totally thoughtless and inappropriate ,they are at fault.
I have a friend in the same situation and no one in our circle has been so crass as to send greetings this Christmas and New year ,we have kept our behaviour quiet and respectful.

My heart goes out to you OP.

I am so sorry for your loss, OP.

I do agree with others who have said the Happy New Year Greeters are probably just trying to include you. If I was in your friends' position, I can imagine thinking 'Should I send @LadyMacbethWasFierce a NY message given she lost her daughter? But it would feel weird not to send one, I don't want her to think we've dropped her because she's had a terrible thing happen and is grieving'

Because on the flipside, you do sometimes see bereaved people upset because they feel abandoned by friends and like they've stopped being included in 'normal' stuff. So it's a bit of a double edged sword, people can't necessarily guess how people will receive this kind of thing.

YANBU - sincere condolences. I would definitely message you to say I was thinking of you and acknowledge that the NY is likely difficult and that I send love - very thoughtless

Thoughtful Consideration is not one of those 6 friends strongest points is it?
Stress to them this is not what you're wanting at the moment (I'm assuming that they'll actually prefer text somehow?)
And because I'm me
And whether they be 'good friends' or not
I'd ask them what if the shoe had been on the other foot?
How would they have felt?
As there's no respect in any of this for you and your feelings
I'm genuinely so sorry for you loss and offer my condolences.
You're not being unreasonable they should've known better

I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter.

But when you reach out and wish some one happy new year it’s just that. I speak as someone who has had profound tragedy in my life. I remember just days after mine tragedy a friend sent me photos of her holiday smiling and laughing and I remember raging - she knows where I am and what I going through how could she be so vile and uncaring - I raged. Actually a year later I saw she was trying to treat me normally and not ask me how I was or whatever she was checking in.

DH does a lot of work with people recently experiencing a recent bereavement (within 12 months) through charity and run help and support groups and everyone is very very different. Some want no ‘normality’ as normal is gone, some want people to treat them normally. Bereavement comes with many layers and sections and grief is not linear. You might remember dates but your friends and extended family may not it can feel extra hurtful and deeply personal. I’m sorry you have lost a much loved daughter. Can you tell us about her? What is your favourite memory of her? What was she like as child or teenager?

it’s ok to be angry, it’s ok to not answer my questions if you don’t.

Yes I would. I think losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to a person. However, I also think that life goes on and nobody can expect their own grief to be centred to the extent that they take offence at Happy New Year messages.

Just to say that @Lotsnlotsoflove wins the trophy for the most inappropriate username on Mumsnet.

It’s a bit insensitive to say the least. I’d probably have just said something like I was thinking of you and wishing you peace. So sorry for your heartbreaking loss x

I forgot to add how glad i am that i don't have a friend as heartless as you.

You are not being unreasonable and I am very sorry for your loss 🙏🏻

OP sending you a lot of love.
I think you are not BU tbh. We buried my mum 2 days ago and my friends have just sent messages like thinking of you etc.
Its thoughtless on their part.

I think the people who sent the messages may be the ones with clouded judgement 🙄

I think it was thoughtless of them. There are a multitude of things they could have said instead.

I’m very sorry for your loss, op.

Sorry about your loss. I would not have used that phrase to someone grieving but had similar when I had just been diagnosed with cancer and had a years treatment lined up starting just before Christmas. And emails starting hope you are well.

I think people contact you because they care about you but sometimes use generic phrases without thinking. I think sometimes people don't know what else to say like they want to wish you a better year but don't know how to phrase it. But I preferred those who said the wrong thing to those who said nothing at all. I would consider everything in the context of how people are overall.