Am I Unreasonable To Be Surprised That 6 Friends Sent Me Happy New Year Messages Even Though My Daughter Has Just Died

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died, totally unexpectedly, aged 24, on 29 October.

We are demented with grief over the loss of her.

DH and I and our other 2 younger children went to Morocco over Christmas to escape the UK. We arrived home and we all went to bed early last night.

I was surprised, upon waking this morning, to find 6 Happy New Year messages via text and WhatsApp (I am not on any other SM). Those were in addition to some other very finely judged messages of support. All the generic messages came from people who knew of the death of our daughter and 3 of them were from really close friends who had been particularly supportive.

I am sure that the messages were sent out to lots of people and I was not specifically chosen. But if you had a very close friend who had lost a child recently, would you take some care not to send a message like that?

I recognise I am hugely emotional and might well be unreasonable to be surprised and a bit upset about this.

I am not going to say anything to these people about it and I shall carry on with them as before. I did find it a bit crass though and slightly upsetting to wake this morning to those messages.

I don’t mind being told I am unreasonable. But please be kind. I am very fragile at the moment.

'One grief isnt more important than another though'

'One grief' is indeed worse than another. Losing a child is unimaginable.

So sorry for your loss op and sorry for your stupid contacts sending insensitive, crass messages .

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I imagine these people send blanket messages to all of their contacts and while insensitive (to put it mildly) I don’t think it was meant with any malice and suspect they’’d be mortified if they realised the hurt it has caused you.
I think it’s lovely of some of your friends to send you personal messages acknowledging the grief you are feeling. Despite having lost my fiancé (many years ago) just before Christmas I struggle myself with knowing what to say to anyone suffering bereavement as words sound so hollow. But I always remember those who sent me heartfelt messages or those who said they didn’t have the words but thought of me - those who have done this for you are true friends & will I’m sure be there to offer whatever support they can.
Wishing you & your family strength over the coming weeks & months as you negotiate your grief.

Losing your mother is upsetting of course, and it's worse if you lose her when you're quite young, but it doesn't compare to losing a child, it really doesn't... I PRAY you never lose a child. The grief is immeasurable.

If your colleague is still crying every week for her mother who died 8 years ago, then she really needs to see a specialist, and she seriously needs to get some counselling. It's very unusual to still be sobbing every week over the death of your mother - 8 years later.

And I say this as someone whose mother died some years ago, and my DH's did too, and many other people I know have lost their mother. None of us were crying every week - 8 years later ....It is a terrible loss for many people, but nothing like the death of a child. There should be no top trumps in grief, but no way is the death of a mother worse than the death of a child... For the vast majority of people.

So sorry for your loss. Thinking of you. I guess your friends did not want to leave you out. When I lost someone dear to me, I was upset that people avoided me as they did not know what to say or do for the best. I am sure they were well meaning.

I disagree.

My mother lost a child. Her child died. Her mother also died

She told me that her grief was the same for the two of them.

Yep. Sounds like a few of them are on this thread too.

It's far too soon to think in terms of "better" when there's a loss of this magnitude.

I’m so sorry for your loss. That must be absolutely and indelibly devastating. It’s cruel that these days society moves on so quickly leaving the broken and broken hearted to muddle through. Least in days of old you could wear black as a sign to the world I’m not ok.
The messages were likely a send to all. Not personal. Try not to focus as intention almost certainly not to upset you. Just ignore and focus on somehow trying to get your head and heart around the impossible.

If you’ve just lost a child in the last few months it is never going to be a ‘happy new year’. Of course you can wish someone a peaceful new year or hope 2026 is better or of course tell someone you’re thinking about them but sending a generic ‘happy new year’ is tone deaf.

I guess like everything, it is different for everyone.

I know two people who said to me that they have never got over the death of their mother.

Other people that I know, were able to cope with it a bit better

Well she is the exception. It is incomparable.

My husband's cousin has just been diagnosed with MND. She sent us a happy new year message but I just said thank you and hope you had a peaceful one. Both husband and I didn't feel happy new year was right as she may not be here next year. She's a very young 79 year old in her outlook. I'm 62 and feel she's more like me in ages.
So sorry for your loss. OP. It was slightly thoughtless of them. I wonder if they did a generic message to everyone

I disagree. Of course some losses are harder. Losing a parent is the natural order.

Have you lost a child Gloriia. If you have, I send you love, genuinely.

'I wonder if they did a generic message to everyone'

But why would you, surely having a friend whose 24yr dd has tragically died would absolutely be front and centre in your mind whilst sending out celebratory emojis?! It's just staggering.

Im very sorry for your loss, OP.

You are not being unreasonable at all.

In my experience, grief lasts longer than sympathy. It’s not out of malice, but it is thoughtless.

YANBU and it was a thoughtless and ill-judged thing for them to do. A thoughtful, personal NY message would be a kind and supportive gesture. A generic one is hurtful. I am so very sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your feelings are totally understandable, however I know a woman who lost her daughter two years ago who said basically the opposite to you.

Her daughter died in the November, and she made a Facebook post (which is very unlike her) letting everyone know that she found it very upsetting to have received much fewer Christmas and New Year wishes than she ever had before. She wrote that she felt like a leper, an undesirable, following the death of her daughter and that she wanted people to feel free to wish her and her family happiness. It was really sad, and privately she told me later that she had felt so alone and uncared for - even though she knew deep down that people were likely keeping away out of respect/awkwardness than lack of care

So if someone has known a person like this in the past, they may think they’re doing the right thing by messaging you.

I dont think ops expecting ppl to tip toe around her but its thoughtless to send a happy new year message to someone who has just lost their child. If you want to let them know you're thinking of them, send a personal message to that affect.

Exactly! As I said, a few posters on here need to change their username.

No Gloriia. I am realistic. No one else thinks abour our grief as much as we do.

I had a very traumatic death in my family. My friends were all out partying the next week.

You often hear people suffering grief saying "how can the world go on like normal for other people"

First of all, so sorry for the loss of
your daughter. I think some people do use the facility on WhatsApp to message all their contacts at once. But they shouldn’t have done so here, the should have had more thought and care.

Exactly... !

I agree with this. I lost both of my parents, my mother quite young. However, one of my best friends lost her 7 year old child. There is no comparison in terms of how it has affected us. It has utterly ruined my friends life- she will never be able to heal from it.

Losing your parents is the natural order of life. Outliving your child is completely unnatural. There is no comparison here and I say that as someone who lost both parents.

I am so very sorry OP.

YANBU - whether a bulk message, well intentioned, sent while drinking etc etc this was crass and thoughtless and completely inappropriate.

You absolutely are right to expect more from good friends - or even vague acquaintances tbh - this is just about emotional intelligence.

And you absolutely should expect people to tiptoe around you for quite some time yet.

This is a truly horrendous thing to have to deal with, I really am so terribly sorry for your loss and can only just begin to imagine how catastrophic this must be for you and your family.