Am I Unreasonable To Be Surprised That 6 Friends Sent Me Happy New Year Messages Even Though My Daughter Has Just Died

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died, totally unexpectedly, aged 24, on 29 October.

We are demented with grief over the loss of her.

DH and I and our other 2 younger children went to Morocco over Christmas to escape the UK. We arrived home and we all went to bed early last night.

I was surprised, upon waking this morning, to find 6 Happy New Year messages via text and WhatsApp (I am not on any other SM). Those were in addition to some other very finely judged messages of support. All the generic messages came from people who knew of the death of our daughter and 3 of them were from really close friends who had been particularly supportive.

I am sure that the messages were sent out to lots of people and I was not specifically chosen. But if you had a very close friend who had lost a child recently, would you take some care not to send a message like that?

I recognise I am hugely emotional and might well be unreasonable to be surprised and a bit upset about this.

I am not going to say anything to these people about it and I shall carry on with them as before. I did find it a bit crass though and slightly upsetting to wake this morning to those messages.

I don’t mind being told I am unreasonable. But please be kind. I am very fragile at the moment.

OP, I'm so sorry about your daughter. I would not have sent that at all. I would have sent 'hugs' or 'well wishes' or a 'thinking of you' but definitely not a Happy New Year.

Clearly, they've never lost anyone significant and didn't stop to think that seeing in a new year without a loved one can be extremely difficult and not a happy occasion.

No OP you are not being unreasonable at all. No, no to a generic HNY message! Most friends or colleagues should think how to word a message to someone close to them who is grieving before sending it. I never like the HNY message anyway as you don't always know everybody's situation, and prefer to say best wishes for 2026 or whatever year. In your case I would not have sent either message, just called you or sent a text stating that I was thinking of you or I was here for you if ever you needed to offload or talk. I have a younger Sister (by 10 yrs) who writes in every Christmas card "Have an amazing Christmas", although she knows I have never had an amazing Christmas in my life, especially the last 33 years due to various very, very upsetting events affecting me personally or us as a family, including the unexpected death of our Mother 32 years ago which affected us both deeply and some days it is like yesterday as the pain is so intense. I have had some Christmas's which were just about bearable and when I was working no-one knew how much I dreaded it, some years worse than others, as I put a smile on my face but usually scurried away before the usual Happy Christmas....was said, and then came home and locked myself away so I did not make any negative impact on those around me. I then cushioned myself in my own bubble the only way I know to protect myself from the crass comments and Slade blaring out of every shop or pub you pass My sister's OTT message in the card every year, never ceases to upset me because to me there is no thought there. I would rather she just put To..... Love from ... This time of year can compound grief for many people and I don't begrudge others from enjoying themselves but I wish people would think before they speak, especially in the case of someone losing a very, very precious daughter. My genuinely sincere thoughts are with you and your family.

You are being unreasonable. If no one had wished you a Happy New Year that wouldn’t have been okay either - so it’s a bit of a rock and a hard place dilemma I’m afraid. Ideally, everyone would have tailored their message especially to you and worded it to acknowledge your loss, but I don’t think you should be offended that they didn’t. Having said which, I am really sorry for your loss, I wish this had not happened to you and I send you all my kindest condolences.

If they want op to have a better 2026 I would guess they're not a parent. I haven't lost a child but I'm a parent and wouldn't text happy new year to someone who lost a child two months ago.

I am shocked at some of the messages here. Of course they were incredibly crass and insensitive, not to mention stupid and thoughtless. You’ve just lost your daughter, of course you’re not going into the new year like you once might have done. This year will be hard, full of grief and sadness. How stupid of them not to acknowledge this.

I'm really sorry about your daughter - it's not unreasonable for you to be upset with such bald messages.

My friend's 90-something mother died just before Xmas and although death is to be expected at that age it was nevertheless a shock and upsetting for her.

I sent a personalised new year message and a few other words - would never have dreamt of sending a generic happy new year greeting, but I don't think your friends meant to be unkind, just that people have different ways of doing things.

Sending you and your family my very best wishes for the coming year and beyond.

My god, you and @LifeBeginsToday really plumb the depths of insensitivity today don't you. Of course her friends should be "tip-toeing around her" Her loss is still immesurably raw and they should be concscious of this in all their interactions.

Am so sorry for your loss @LadyMacbethWasFierce

Sorry but they are crass wankers.
I think it’s inappropriate. It’s so soon after losing her that everyday must still be a struggle just to function.
the year of firsts is so so hard to navigate.

This - I think it’s been done accidentally- but it’s still careless.

Agree! I can't believe anyone thinks it's ok to send a generic message to someone recently bereaved

And to the total cunts on this thread who think you are unreasonable, come back when you lose a child.

People just don't think sometimes and I have been guilty of this too. I called a friend to rant about my Dad having to stay in hospital on Christmas day after months of illness he barely survived, it only dawned on me after she had lost her dad 2 years ago and probably would have given anything to have a visit in hospital as part of the festivities.
Be kind to yourself and friends that have been supportive they most likely do wish you happiness in the coming year after what must have been so difficult for you and your family.

I agree with this, I feel like it would be worse if people stopped contacting you instead through not knowing what to say, and it sounds like intentions were good if they have generally been supportive.

sorry for your loss x

I am so very sorry for your loss. You are absolutely not being unreasonable. You are in the depths of grief and have lost a child which is one of the hardest things to go through. Your friends were thoughtless indeed, however if they have shown support up until this point try and let it go as I think many people just don't know what to say or do at times not that that's an excuse. As friends, I am sure that they didn't intend to hurt you. But you are not being unreasonable or over sensitive in any way. Sending love to you and your family. Look after yourself. X

Oh come on!

'Thinking of you' would suffice.

It's so inconsiderate of them I'm sorry OP.

So sorry for your loss.

Frankly it’s difficult to know what to do for the best in this situation.

if you’re part of a group, do they just leave you out of their messaging? If you were to find out afterwards that you’ve been excluded/ignored, would you get upset?

Some bereaved people have retrospectively reported feeling hurt by their friends not talking to or avoiding them.
People often don’t know what to do or say for the best so will go out if their way to avoid a conversation.

I did send a tailored NY message to a very recently bereaved friend because I knew they were alone. I hoped someone would at least touch base with them but couldn’t be sure and wanted them to know someone was thinking of them and that there is hope.

What a crass unfeeling post. Yes, close friends can be expected to tiptoe around OP, it has only been 2 months since her and her family's devastating loss. Nobody said it was their fault. Really. Unbelievable. Your message is worse than their ill thought out messages of HNY.

I completely agree.

Perhaps all they mean is they want you to have a better 2026

That in itself is insensitive. Poor OP won't have a better 2026, she's in the very early stages of grief for the most profound loss it's possible to suffer.
Hoping 2026 will be better is effectively time-limiting her grief and expecting her to be "over it".

There's almost an expectation from some people that the bereaved don't make THEM uncomfortable.

I'm so sorry for your loss op, that is unimaginably awful.

This is why I don't like 'send to all' for NYE messages. It's not all parties and happiness and for many, it is an incredibly difficult time of year. While not sent with any malice, it was thoughtless and insensitive.

I hope you are able to find some form of peace in 2026 @LadyMacbethWasFierce 💐

OP I am so terribly sorry for your heartbreak. There are simply no words that can express the devastation of losing a child. As a previous poster mentioned, I think it says so much for you and your daughter that even in these darkest of times, your relationship with her and how well you knew her shines through and you can smile at what you know would be her reaction.

I think as a society we are all too often terrible about handling death. People avoid it or minimise it because they don’t want to consider it. I’m sure there was no malice intended but you have every right to be hurt and disappointed.

This is obviously not at all comparable, but just after I got divorced, someone asked if they could have my buggy board as I obviously wouldn’t be having any more children. That was not a consequence I was ready to process and it felt like a huge blow. A year later, I would have probably felt very differently but grief is raw and painful.

I wish you and everyone who loves your beautiful DD strength and hope. 🥰

God almighty, this is a new low! Don't bother with the trite and meaningless 'I'm sorry for your loss OP', as you obviously aren't if you can come up with this insulting load of tone-deaf bollocks and think that it is fine for your to post it to a grieving mother.

If you asked any parent what was their deepest fear, 99.99% of people would say losing a child. That is what has happened to OP just two months ago. She's had to get through her first Christmas without her daughter.

Her friends should be fucking tip-toeing around her to ensure that they don't add to her grief and pain. You have told OP that she is very unreasonable. Would you say that to a grieving mother's face?

In the OP’s situation, yes. Yes. I absolutely would rather hear nothing and be left alone than bombarded with thoughtless generic HNY messages full of party emojis two months after the unexpected and devastating loss of my precious child.

The fact that there are so many people on this thread defending such crass behaviour from close friends beggars belief. Of course no message at all is better than having your nose rubbed in the fact that everyone else’s lives are just carrying on, business as usual, when yours has been irrevocably changed. I’m astonished that making such very small adjustments to your behaviour to accommodate someone’s life-changing loss is considered by so many here to be unacceptable arse-ache and ‘tiptoeing’. FFS.

OP, I’m so very sorry for you and all your family. Sending love x

Wouldn't you be more upset if they hadn't sent you messages? I understand disliking generic messages (I scroll past them pretty quickly) but they maybe just wanted to show that they still think of you and hope that this year is better for you than the last.

That is completely insensitive. How can anyone think that 2026 is going to be good or happy for their friend whose daughter only died 2 months ago? They could have said "I'm thinking of you".