Am I Unreasonable To Be Surprised That 6 Friends Sent Me Happy New Year Messages Even Though My Daughter Has Just Died

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died, totally unexpectedly, aged 24, on 29 October.

We are demented with grief over the loss of her.

DH and I and our other 2 younger children went to Morocco over Christmas to escape the UK. We arrived home and we all went to bed early last night.

I was surprised, upon waking this morning, to find 6 Happy New Year messages via text and WhatsApp (I am not on any other SM). Those were in addition to some other very finely judged messages of support. All the generic messages came from people who knew of the death of our daughter and 3 of them were from really close friends who had been particularly supportive.

I am sure that the messages were sent out to lots of people and I was not specifically chosen. But if you had a very close friend who had lost a child recently, would you take some care not to send a message like that?

I recognise I am hugely emotional and might well be unreasonable to be surprised and a bit upset about this.

I am not going to say anything to these people about it and I shall carry on with them as before. I did find it a bit crass though and slightly upsetting to wake this morning to those messages.

I don’t mind being told I am unreasonable. But please be kind. I am very fragile at the moment.

That's not how it works.

I am really quite surprised by some of these replies. I think your friends were probably well intended, but YANBU at all to be upset.

I would probably say something like: “I can’t imagine a new year feels like much cause for celebration, or how bereft you must be feeling right now. You and your family are in my thoughts, and we are sending you so much love. Please let me know if there is anything at all we can do for you. I can bring dinner and come to keep you company one night if that would help, help with any admin you need to sort, or give you some space if that is what you need. No pressure to reply if you can’t face it right now, I just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you. Xxx”

We don’t know each other OP, but I am still thinking of you and sending you a virtual handhold. I hope you and your family found some respite getting away from it all over the Christmas period. 💐

You are right. Its nothing personal - that is the problem. I am sorry for your loss.

Wasnt aware their was a frame work .
Can friends say happy new year next year or is it within 5 years .
It's a generic message of hope and best wishes.

My heart hurts for you. What a terrible, terrible loss for you and your family. I can’t begin to imagine it. I am so very sorry. Lots of love to you.

I imagine this is an innocent mistake but a horribly painful one. Sending lots of love across the internet as you morn your DD.

I’m not going to answer the original question as I don't think it’s helpful as your feelings are your feelings. You’ve gone through one of the worst, if not the worst thing that an adult can go through and to navigate this you are going to need very specific help, probably from those who are further along the journey than yourselves.

There are some amazing groups and charities offering help to bereaved parents. There’s a lady who I listened to recently who lost her child and then her husband soon after and it was an incredibly moving and powerful interview where she discussed her emotions and how she can talk about her grief now.

YANBU, I’m sure they did it with no malice and it was probably a round robin sent to everyone but I think they should have been more considerate considering it was such a recent loss. Sincere condolences to you on the loss of your daughter. 💔

I wouldn’t have done it, but I don’t think this is worth your energy. I’m so sorry for your loss.

@Lotsnlotsoflove - So crass, uncaring and down right rude. BTW you need to change your username.

"Thinking of you", "you are in our thoughts", "sending you love" etc are all appropriate messages at new year two months after a friend has lost a child. "Happy new year" is not, it's deeply thoughtless.
This isn't difficult stuff.

Ive sent some messages last night and to a couple of people have worded the messages differently as they are really not going to have a happy new year, due to similar circumstances

its insensitive

I wonder how they would feel if you answered insensitively

sorry for your loss

That’s exactly the issue. When someone has suffered an enormous loss, a generic message really is quite thoughtless.

OP you have lost your daughter the grief must be unbearable. So very sorry for your loss, this time of year is particularly difficult when processing grief and the loss of a child is unimaginable. If it’s a generic text message I would chalk it up to your friends being merry rather than them being thoughtless.

You either have gone through some serious trauma that destroyed any emotions ( and I am sorry if that’s the case ) or you have no people or pets in your life that you have feelings for ; appalling posts and they’re getting worse the more you post

if someone talked me to this way when I lost my cat few months ago I’d tell them to fuck off

I am so beyond sorry for your loss. Those messages will have hit you in the gut, when you have nothing to spare to go towards being understanding of how or why you got those messages. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I'm just so, so sorry.

I’m sorry @LadyMacbethWasFierce that’s just awful.

yes it’s inconsiderate they just don’t understand, it’s not out of malice
May God give you strength

It would be lovely if that could be so but I suspect these people are so entrenched in their sense of righteousness they'll just accuse us of overreacting.

A friend of mine attended my dad's funeral and wake. A week later she attended the funeral and wake of her uncles partner (by her own admission, a woman she'd have struggled to pick out in a police line up). For reasons beyond me she then felt the need to send me a detailed message comparing this ladies wake to my dad's and informing me that she felt the food served at theirs was better than ours.

The friendship has not survived.

ETA and it goes without saying I am so, so sorry for your loss @LadyMacbethWasFierce 💐.

Wow , disgusting attitude. Each of your replies are worse than the previous.
If you have children, I’m actually wondering, because a mother would never write those things to another mother. I truly hope you never have to go through what the OP has.

Grief is grief, absolutely but the loss of a child hits harder than the loss of a parent, grandparent or a spouse as you would would always expect in the normal course of life for your children to outlive you.

Some of the posters on this thread should be deeply embarrassed that they have written careless replies to a woman going through unimaginable heartbreak.

my friend lost her daughter last year ( 2025). I didn't feel right not wishing her HNY so I sent a message saying I knew it would be mixed emotions but I wished them well for the year ahead. Now I am thinking was I being insensitive?

It's good that you posted here. For many reasons. It will make people think about this sort of thing, and I hope it helped to get it off your chest. I sent a Happy New Year message to a friend who had a bereavement this year, but I hope that she found it to be sensitively worded.

Well my dear older sister died peacefully this morning, I did send Happy new year last night to my family, but I thought my sister had a bit more time

That's different as it wasn't thoughtless, you put thought into the message and acknowledged the loss while sending well wishes for the new year.

OP so sorry. Your friends are being quite thoughtless. I perhaps would not say 'the right thing' as someone who hasn't gone through it but I definitely would not send a generic happy new year message to anyone in a similar situation. Hugs.

No, because you thought about what message to send her in her particularly tragic circumstances. You didn't just send the same HNY generic message to her like the one that OP received from a number of her friends who gave no thought to OP's tragic circumstances.