Am I Unreasonable To Be Surprised That 6 Friends Sent Me Happy New Year Messages Even Though My Daughter Has Just Died

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died, totally unexpectedly, aged 24, on 29 October.

We are demented with grief over the loss of her.

DH and I and our other 2 younger children went to Morocco over Christmas to escape the UK. We arrived home and we all went to bed early last night.

I was surprised, upon waking this morning, to find 6 Happy New Year messages via text and WhatsApp (I am not on any other SM). Those were in addition to some other very finely judged messages of support. All the generic messages came from people who knew of the death of our daughter and 3 of them were from really close friends who had been particularly supportive.

I am sure that the messages were sent out to lots of people and I was not specifically chosen. But if you had a very close friend who had lost a child recently, would you take some care not to send a message like that?

I recognise I am hugely emotional and might well be unreasonable to be surprised and a bit upset about this.

I am not going to say anything to these people about it and I shall carry on with them as before. I did find it a bit crass though and slightly upsetting to wake this morning to those messages.

I don’t mind being told I am unreasonable. But please be kind. I am very fragile at the moment.

Im so sorry for your loss OP. Its not what I would have done. I can only assume they sent to everyone in their contacts without considering fully. I dont think youre unreasonable to feel hurt.

Op im so sorry for your loss. I hope you're ok. Please ignore the messages here telling you, you are the unreasonable one. You are not. You are 100 per cent correct in what you've said. Put it down to your friends stupidity. I dont think they are trying to hurt you but its caused hurt regardless. Sending you lots of love and hugs. Xxx

Exactly! No-one has suggested other people mustn't enjoy themselves just rather be mindful of what you are sending via an 'all contacts' route

If you cba to be thoughtful and sensitive it kind of diminishes any attempts at kindness from these messages.

That's such a cruel message to someone who has just suffered a horrific loss. Just awful. It's not about "tip toeing" around someone but being sensitive to their loss. That's all. The type of sensitivity you clearly don't have

It’s the content of the message which is the issue, not the message itself.

I lost a baby son many years ago in August the first christmas and new year were awful .people don't know what to say they won't be trying to upset you but they will be trying to not exclude you from what is normally said at new year.
Alot of people avoided me like I had some sort of plague when my son died or said something really stupid .it sounds like you have good friends who care and just don't know what to say but won't to acknowledge you. Be kind to yourself grief is a lifelong journey. I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter x

I think the content is okay. They are remembering her on new years eve.

It's not hard to send something appropriate like "think of you today" or "sending love "

If you send a message - it angers them.
If you don't send a message - it angers them

I do understand this point as I have seen a family member behave like this but once again , this thread isnt about that. the op isn't suggesting ppl should not message her. You can show care by sending a personal message. Thats the point so many of you are missing on this thread thats why there's lots of nonsense posts saying 100 things that have no relevance to what op actually wrote. No one said you should ignore ppl in grief, no one said ppl cant live their own lives, we are saying send a message thats appropriate. Its not hard.

You can't make anyone else do anything though.

They're going to do what they are going to do.

And you are expecting things of others - that I bet a lot of us dont do

You must know someone who has lost a family member not long before christmas

Have YOU sent a message to that person on new years eve saying "thinking about you today this evening"?

A lot of people are out at their own new years eve parties for a start.

I am so sorry for your loss.
I'm not going to try to justify the messages other than to say they would have been generic, send to all messages.
It doesnt make it less painful for you but I think they weren't sent intentionally if that makes sense.
Sending you and your family strength and gentleness for 2026.

100% Just show you are there and thinking of them. Any joyful wishes just make her realise you are not fathoming what an enormous devastation this is.

I mean I have experienced a significant bereavement and my experience was of people saying nothing when I was desperate to hold onto normality so really we cannot expect others to intuit our feelings. Also part of the process of moving through grief for me was understanding my outsized reactions to others were part of the pain not additional to it .

I lost a dear friend a week before Christmas and was astounded people on our group chat were wishing everyone a happy new year even though her daughter also was in the group chat. I absolutely understand why you would be upset and I would be too.

Sorry for your loss, OP, You are being completely reasonable to think that people should have tailored their messages. It would have been incredibly easy to send 'Thinking of you'.

I wish people would stop the 'send all' New Year's Eve messages altogether. They express about as much emotion as junk mail. Couldn't we just write individual messages to those closest to us and then leave it?

But in these circumstances a generic message was thoughtless. OP's feelings are raw, and very understandable. Am so sorry for your loss OP. When a loved one dies, there is something very poignant about the end of that year and the start of a new one without them, as though it puts more distance between you somehow.
Your friends probably mean well but like so many (most) people, don't know the best words when someone is grieving, so a generic Happy New Year covers it they hope. Hoping you DO find joy sometimes in this coming year - maybe just small moments sometimes that lift your spirits for a while.💗

Yes, I have which is why I find some of the comments on this thread so thoughtless and crass. My cousin lost her 31 year old dd six months ago and I messaged her at Christmas and yesterday to say I was thinking of her. I didn’t really know what to write as her grief is still very raw, but happy new year did not seem in any way appropriate.

I'm so sorry for your loss @LadyMacbethWasFierce that's so hard and I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel this way. People are probably just sending generic messages and not thinking it through.

My sister died of cancer when she was 25 and it was awful for my mum, dad and me (we were very close and a close family). She died very near to Christmas and I still got sent Merry Christmas and then happy new year messages from friends and acquaintances. It hurts and it is just a reminder of other people living their lives and moving on when you very much haven't.

My lovely mum sadly died in November this year and again, I also got sent happy new year messages last night and again this morning. Strangely I'm not as upset as I was when it was my sister, maybe because it had happened before so I was almost expecting it again and when it happened I was like, oh well. I'd just focus on your family, you don't need to reply to the messages and hopefully as time goes by you'll start to feel less emotional about seeing other people getting on with their lives. It's so hard though, and sending you love and strength. Xx

I’m so sorry. I have a friend that lost a child a couple of years ago. I’m very very careful of how I word messages. They didn’t take your feelings into account there. I’m really sorry.

Gently, I think YABU. I can understand why you feel the way you do though.

They were probably thinking of you and didn't know what to say that would be appropriate. Maybe by saying happy new year they were trying to convey that they hope this year will be better for you but I get that everything will feel shit probably for a long time.

If your friends chose to not say anything to you at all then that might have upset some people to not get any messages wishing them a happy new year at all and they might have felt like they were being deliberately ignored, so in these cases sometimes it can be hard to know what to do for the best.

Also, they can't really send a negative message at new years to tiptoe around your feelings either as that wouldn't be very nice. They can't exactly say "hi I was going to wish you a happy new year but I won't because I know your life is shit right now".

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Yes.

It’s difficult because life goes on for everyone else and it’s likely people just forgot a couple of months on. I buried my mum a few days before Christmas and still received the merry Christmas texts from people. Upsetting but nothing personal on their part. Totally understand how you feel though. It gets easier I promise.

Holding you in my thoughts at such a time of great disbelief and despair . The only people that truly matter are the ones sitting around your table at the end of the day, the ones you hold on tight to.
Sending you and your family deepest comfort ❤️

@MargoLivebetter I totally agree. I only send targeted cards or messages due to not everyone having the same situation. Years ago when I worked in an office of about 8/10, I chose each Christmas card according to the person and their situation if I knew enough about it. Each message was thought about carefully before I wrote it. The women in the office just sent me generic boxed ones but that didn't matter to me, until I lost my Father suddenly. One colleague had lost her father some years before and her Mother married shortly after and then he passed away and then she married again. Although I was not close to my father, I was really upset and also extremely sensitive to my Mother's feelings as she adored him and as he was only 64 so she expected to have more years with him. I and my partner moved into my Mam's for about a year so she wasn't alone and then we were burgled so DP moved back home and I followed a few months later.But I still went round every night unless she was working. I remember when my Dad had only been dead about 2 months and I mentioned something to the colleague about how worried I was about my Mam not eating properly, the colleague replied "Isn't she over it yet?" I glared at her and told her "Well they were married for 40 years so it is going to take a lot longer than 2 months", but I had to stop myself saying "Well your Mam might be used to it as she has had 3 husbands, but mine has only had 1". Please think before you speak or write a message as not everyone's situation is the same and some people won't have a Merry Christmas or a Happy New Year.

This ..lots of bereaved people say they are avoided because people don’t know what to say …these friends wish you a Happy New Year …it doesn’t mean they think it is time to be happy or a demand…it’s just a benevolent good wish …a kind hope and not an insult