Am I Unreasonable To Be Surprised That 6 Friends Sent Me Happy New Year Messages Even Though My Daughter Has Just Died

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died, totally unexpectedly, aged 24, on 29 October.

We are demented with grief over the loss of her.

DH and I and our other 2 younger children went to Morocco over Christmas to escape the UK. We arrived home and we all went to bed early last night.

I was surprised, upon waking this morning, to find 6 Happy New Year messages via text and WhatsApp (I am not on any other SM). Those were in addition to some other very finely judged messages of support. All the generic messages came from people who knew of the death of our daughter and 3 of them were from really close friends who had been particularly supportive.

I am sure that the messages were sent out to lots of people and I was not specifically chosen. But if you had a very close friend who had lost a child recently, would you take some care not to send a message like that?

I recognise I am hugely emotional and might well be unreasonable to be surprised and a bit upset about this.

I am not going to say anything to these people about it and I shall carry on with them as before. I did find it a bit crass though and slightly upsetting to wake this morning to those messages.

I don’t mind being told I am unreasonable. But please be kind. I am very fragile at the moment.

I think you are a bit unreasonable.
I think it's probably been generic and if not ppl will obviously be hoping you can take small steps towards healing as such as one can with a brand new year and are genuine in their best wishes for you going forward .

IMO it is extremely thoughtless. My friend died about 15 months ago, on any occasion I ensure that I send her husband a soecific message, would never send a generic happy xmas/HNY message. I dont go all doom and gloom but wish them well and to let them know I am thinking of them all.

If you can't put some thought into a message going to a grieving friend (esp as its so soon after) then you're not a friend. A generic message means nothing at all to anyone and no thought has been put into that at all.

But wouldn’t you still send a personal message to a recently bereaved mother and not just a generic ‘happy new year’?

This isn’t comparable to the OP at all. Comparable would be them phoning you to invite you out clubbing with them, telling you it would take your mind off things.

Why do people try so hard to excuse blatantly insensitive behaviour? It’s bizarre.

Were they taking pouty selfies, with them all pissed up with silly party hats on, and sending them to you, saying 'we're having a fab time here, woo hoo!' Just a week after the traumatic death in your family?

Nope, I thought not.

I think that a "happy new year" message is nice, personally.

I cant understand how anyone would find it offensive. They are thinking of the OP

I wonder if this largely divides along age lines ?

As a previous poster said, no wonder the OP hasn't been back to the thread, with some of the responses she has had on here....

@LadyMacbethWasFierce OP, I'm so sorry you are getting some thoughtless and cold replies on here. I wish you well.

I am done with this thread now though. Some of the comments on it are reprehensible, and they are making me really angry...

I'm done. Hiding the thread now.

All the best @LadyMacbethWasFierce I hope you're OK.

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Yes they did take photos of a great night out
Didnt send them to me, but put them on insta

They are not going to not go out because someone in my family died.

I wouldnt expect them to really.
Other peoples lives go on.

But she isn’t going to have a happy new year is she? 2026 is going to be awful- it will be a year full of the ‘firsts’ since she lost her child.

What would be kind is to send a message that has been written to her acknowledging the loss.

It’s often said that bereaved people find it sad that people ignore them for fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. Maybe these people weren’t sure that it was appropriate to send a HNY message but thought it better that you knew that you were In their thoughts and sent the message anyway.

I would focus on the fact that these people thought about you enough to send the message rather than the content of the message

I’m so sorry for your loss. It must be unimaginable.

You’re not unreasonable at all.

Unfortunately people will send out NY messages to “all contacts” without even applying the slightest filtering process or thought.

I received a NY message from the husband of someone I used to know as a school Mum about ten years ago - and I never knew him beyond the word hello. Not equivalent to your situation at all but just demonstrates absolutely no filter was applied, as I have never known this person.

It must really hurt though, and I’m so sorry.

I have a friend whose close relative is very ill and likely to die in the next few weeks/months so I didn't wish the friend a happy new year but tailored a message instead. It takes seconds on WhatsApp.

Sorry for your loss OP and no you are not unreasonable.

I have to state YABU purely because I think people meant they were thinking of you during this time.

I totally understand your grief though

thinking of you during this difficult time xx

With things like this, you have to consider the personalities involved. I have known people who would do something like that out of spite (and then act all innocent when confronted), others who’d do it naively and without thinking, and some who’d do it in the hope of “cheering you up”. When I know someone has a good heart, I can forgive them almost anything. It’s the motivation that counts.

I’m so sorry OP. Your child will always be a part of you and your family. The best advice I can give you is talk about her constantly. Talk to your husband and children about her. Say she would have enjoyed this, she would have liked that, etc. Don’t turn her death into this dark and terrible thing that must never be mentioned. And talk to her. A doctor advised my grandfather to talk to my grandmother after she died, and he did, out loud. xx

My dear friend is a couple of months ahead of you and they told her the same wrt therapy; that she was too raw, and it was too early. She now has support and it is getting ’better’.

she also has support from a new charity who have been absolutely incredible https://2wish.org.uk/

they’ve accompanied her to all sorts of different things she’s needed to do, not directly related to the child (young adult) she lost and also some of the heinous admin stuff like shutting bank accounts etc etc.

If they were putting that much thought into it they would have sent a personal message. You can tell someone you’re thinking about them much better in a message saying that then a generic ‘happy new year’ when you know it won’t be a happy year for them at all.

After two fucking months?!

This is a social media mass messaging problem. Nobody in their right minds would have sent a handwritten totally upbeat card on the first day of a new year without your daughter.

You're not being unreasonable, that must have been very hard.

Your example isnt what the op said. She didn't say she has an issue with anyone going about their life. Her thread is about the new years messages she received. You don't send a generic happy new year message to someone who just lost their child. You send them a personal message to see how they are. You certainly dont need to ignore that person because they are grieving but you can adjust your message to ensure its appropriate.

This reminds me of a few years back when my sister died- was sudden and tragic (suicide) so of course my mum was devastated. She died in the April and my mum’s birthday was May. She still got loads of ‘have the best birthday’ and ‘enjoy celebrating with your family’ messages- some from those who were at the funeral. Absolutely no thought, no consideration.

you can’t see how a recently bereaved parent would be upset or offended by this message…are you deliberately being obtuse?
a generic happy new message in these circumstances is just crass.

But as another poster wrote.

Someone else who lost a child was upset that no one sent them messages at Christmas.

The fact is - people who are grieving are suffering. And they start to get angry at minor things that other people do.

If you send a message - it angers them.
If you don't send a message - it angers them

The anger is coming from OP's grief, not because these messages were sent to her

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope in time you can all come to a place of peace and healing xxx

It's not hard to think of something more appropriate than Happy New year though!