BF didn’t text me happy new year..

[mixednuts7]

Will try to keep this short. Been with a guy for 16/17 months.. going really well, we are very close emotionally normally, in love, shared lots with each other. Physical side of relationship is incredible, both in our 40s, divorced with kids. We are safe spaces for each other. We see each other every other weekend and a couple times throughout the week, always at least once, and always text constantly throughout the day.

He’s been having a few mental health issues lately that I’ve been very supportive with, going to his place more rather than he comes to me etc as he struggles at times with anxiety. We couldn’t be together on nye as he was going out locally with friends (I was invited) but I had my kids at home. He was let down by his mates re evening arrangements and was upset earlier in the evening, understandably so, so I talked with him about it to be supportive. He has avoidant tendencies so tends to shut down a bit when he feels like he’s struggling, so I offered help/chat and company, but he said no and that he was just going to bed. I was alone at my house with the kids, who were floating about, but online gaming with friends so I was feeling lonely too; it’s been a rough year for the three of us since divorcing my abusive ex. I asked to ring him but he declined saying his head wasn’t in the right space and that he’d prob just go to bed.

Later in the evening BF texts me to say he’s going out afterall. I texted to say I’d like to speak to him before the new year hit to say hi but he said it was too loud at the venue. Ok fine. I wasn’t going to ask him to call yet again though, or else it looked like I was being needy. I was feeling lonely though and struggling with it a little. Anyway.. midnight came. No text, no call, nothing. Until 3am when I got a message just saying “HNY. Sorry. “

I’ve been upset. Feels like I’m just an afterthought, when our relationship has always been close. We’ve both been badly hurt by narc cheating exes and align on so many values and morals. Yes he struggles with anxiety and hates speaking on the phone, always has. But it takes nothing to send a text.

A male friend said he was just busy anmd drinking with mates and that it probably slipped his mind and that I shouldn’t react strongly. His wife said sod that, he should have texted and I need to reevaluate.

What are your guys opinions? What would you do? Big deal or not a big deal?

I’m upset and dont want to speak to him tomorrow morning. I have written a text reply telling him why I feel gutted but haven’t sent it yet. Aibu?

It's a bit OTT. He did text you even if it was later than you would've liked. Couldn't get stressed about this myself

You are overthinking. He did text and you got a sorry.

So he did text you?

He did text you.

Tbh I think it sounds as though you are more like his mental health support than his gf.

Bit of a tangent I suppose, but last night I was just thinking back to when all phone lines used to be engaged at NY.

It's really a fairly recent thing that we expect to be able to get through at all.

I think you're being ridiculous.

Like others said he did text you, and it sounds like you were pushing him quite a bit to talk/text when he said he didn’t want to. It’s good he went out if he was otherwise feeling low it will have done him some good.

not really sure what he’s apologising for either. This whole text at midnight to prove the worth of your relationship is nonsense. You seem a bit insecure.

Did you message him?!

You're overreacting

Do NOT send that message. Sleep on it and delete it.

There are worse things that happen at sea.

He did text you. I would be more irritated rather than upset that he couldn't bother to type Happy new year and actually mean it. Did you text him? Is he seeking any support for his mental health struggles? Sometimes it just becomes a convenient excuse for low effort and poor communication.

All this constant texting through the day you speak of had addled you, as we Oldies never used to be in contact with our beloveds like this, so although to you a text not received on the dot seems like a major blow, to the likes of me your reaction (a woman in her forties!) sounds completely bizarre.
Happy NY though!

I thought you were going to say you were 16! This is not an issue. He text you (but it wouldn't have mattered if he hadn't).

I think maybe a bit of context is maybe needed. Sometimes I do feel like I’m his main MH support person. Always giving but not often receiving. I get the comments re being ridiculous and take that on the chin. The main point was that when I was struggling and needed something for once, he wasn’t there for me like I’m constantly there for him. That was the main feeling. It’s not so much about the new year in itself, it’s more the feeling of support not being reciprocated. Like I said, it’s been a long and hard 2 years of escaping abuse, to get myself somewhere safe with someone nice, and last night was quite tough and poignant. I just needed someone to think of me for a change I guess.

This is quite a harsh comment. Like I said in my previous message, context is probably needed. He’s had several issues this year, some serious, that I’ve supported him through, and have done 99% of the leg work throughout the year. I’m certainly not the cause of his MH issues and he’s said a few times that without me might not still be here. I had a tough time last night and needed a bit of connection that’s all, but got none. That was my point.

Did you tell him YOU were feeling lonely and would like to chat? Or did he think you were offering because you were worried about him? If he knew and ignored you then it's a bit shitty.
But tbh, it sounds like he was feeling a bit shit, told you about it, (didn't shut you out) told you he wasn't in a good place to chat right now, and had maybe tops 6 hours out of communication? I feel like the guy should be able to have a smidgen of alone time to sort his own head out.
But also, I don't give a shit about NYE so this may colour my judgement, but it's not like he forgot your birthday, it's only NY!

Then talk to him and if it doesn’t improve then end the relationship. The text message is still a none issue.

This is how I might have reacted in my teens/early 20’s when I wasn’t very secure in myself. Kindly op, it sounds like you & him both have baggage which you either need to address or at least communicate about!

Thanks, yeah he knew I was struggling a bit. I don’t often say that to him as I normally power through. I think it was more that and less of the fact it was NYE to be honest..

Kindly. You are absolutely over reacting. Adding in ‘context’ that you have supported him throughout the year and he hasn’t prioritised you tonight makes you sound so incredibly needy and unreasonable that it’s actually painful.

you are with someone who has mental health issues. Anxiety and depression. He will not be doing this deliberately, but honestly if you intend this to be long term then you need to put this in perspective and appreciate he will probably always be this way. If you can’t. then possibly best that you move on I’d say. And I mean this very nicely.

The text is a non issue - what does strike me is that neither of you seem ready for a relationship. He's leaning on u and u seem quite fragile so that's not gonna work. It all sounds draining - he can't cope cos friends let him down with social plans and u r now spiralling. It's just too intense

Honestly, it’s all a bit teenage drama. You are both in your 40’s, the whole ‘getting upset about not getting a text’ is ridiculous.
Do people really live their lives like this?

I'm up with the youngest DC in the family and DH stayed up with our eldest two to see in the New Year.....so we have not even wished each other a HNY yet. And we live in the same house. I am leaving DH to sleep on as he's exhausted. We will speak later when he gets up.

Not same situation as your OP but just wanted you to know it's not great for many of us in different ways. He did text you 3am which means he didn't forget you.