BF didn’t text me happy new year..

[mixednuts7]

Will try to keep this short. Been with a guy for 16/17 months.. going really well, we are very close emotionally normally, in love, shared lots with each other. Physical side of relationship is incredible, both in our 40s, divorced with kids. We are safe spaces for each other. We see each other every other weekend and a couple times throughout the week, always at least once, and always text constantly throughout the day.

He’s been having a few mental health issues lately that I’ve been very supportive with, going to his place more rather than he comes to me etc as he struggles at times with anxiety. We couldn’t be together on nye as he was going out locally with friends (I was invited) but I had my kids at home. He was let down by his mates re evening arrangements and was upset earlier in the evening, understandably so, so I talked with him about it to be supportive. He has avoidant tendencies so tends to shut down a bit when he feels like he’s struggling, so I offered help/chat and company, but he said no and that he was just going to bed. I was alone at my house with the kids, who were floating about, but online gaming with friends so I was feeling lonely too; it’s been a rough year for the three of us since divorcing my abusive ex. I asked to ring him but he declined saying his head wasn’t in the right space and that he’d prob just go to bed.

Later in the evening BF texts me to say he’s going out afterall. I texted to say I’d like to speak to him before the new year hit to say hi but he said it was too loud at the venue. Ok fine. I wasn’t going to ask him to call yet again though, or else it looked like I was being needy. I was feeling lonely though and struggling with it a little. Anyway.. midnight came. No text, no call, nothing. Until 3am when I got a message just saying “HNY. Sorry. “

I’ve been upset. Feels like I’m just an afterthought, when our relationship has always been close. We’ve both been badly hurt by narc cheating exes and align on so many values and morals. Yes he struggles with anxiety and hates speaking on the phone, always has. But it takes nothing to send a text.

A male friend said he was just busy anmd drinking with mates and that it probably slipped his mind and that I shouldn’t react strongly. His wife said sod that, he should have texted and I need to reevaluate.

What are your guys opinions? What would you do? Big deal or not a big deal?

I’m upset and dont want to speak to him tomorrow morning. I have written a text reply telling him why I feel gutted but haven’t sent it yet. Aibu?

He may not have understood you asking for a call was for support- he might have just thought it was a casual chat. However, that doesn't change that it sounds like this is a one-way relationship that sounds very heavy with his mental health.

You've had a tough divorce, a new relationship should be uplifting for you in the early stages and bring you joy and escapism. Not become another "job" where you're propping someone else up all the time (and I say that as someone who suffers depression). Time to end things and start the new year as you mean to go on imo.

OP, your original post says you're each others support, but in updates you say it's all one sided.

If you don't want to end the relationship, I'd be inclined to pull back a bit at least. It's nice that you're so supportive of his MH, but it sounds like you're enabling him rather than supporting and this will change the dynamics of your relationship from equal romantic partners to helper and helpee. Give him the opportunity to step up, and if he doesn't, he's not worth all your effort.

Oldies like me, of course! 70+. My being so much older explains, if not excuses, my being so gobsmacked.
(I’m well aware of how long texting’s been common, but still feel the obsession with constant contact is utterly weird in adults)

I ought to have empathised with OP’s distress, I know, and I regret dashing off a comment disregarding it

I'd be wary of identifying him as the one with all the problems. You talk about him being avoidant and shutting down, but I see someone trying to take responsibility for his own mood and well-being, altering his plans accordingly, spending time with people/activities he thought would help, and not allowing you to wholly take over the fixer role. That is actually a healthy approach on his part.

You making it a big thing with him actually sabotages his self-responsibility and keeps you stuck in codependence.

You need a similar approach, to have a variety of strategies, people, activities to hand so you can meet your own needs for connection, nourishment, stimulation, support, comfort, etc.

Have only read your posts OP, not the full thread.
As I read the opening post I thought "This isn't about a text!".. glad to see you have also reached that conclusion!
I agree with the other pps I have caught as I skimmed through - it seems like you've fallen into another unhealthy relationship and because is is "nice" in comparison to your ex, you think that is good enough.
I don't think it's a "LTB" scenario in that I don't think he's awful... but it doesn't sound like he is what you need either. It actually doesn't seem like he should be in a relationship if he is that heavily reliant on it, and you certainly deserve more time of putting yourself first. If a relationship is hard work in the first couple of years it doesn't really bode well for the future, does it?

My first thought is that he’s been pulling away for a while and now you’re hyper sensitive to anything like this. If he wasn’t making you feel insecure in general then I don’t think this one incident would leave you feeling like this – you probably just would have rolled your eyes and thought ‘what are you like, Bob!’

I would try to look at the bigger picture in why you are feeling this way. People who have a tendency to go dark on their partners during times of stress or anxiety tend not to be good in relationships, because that’s not how relationships work. After a year together it’s natural that the shine is wearing off and you are now seeing things like this.

Then don’t you think that your kids who have been through so much, do not need someone around them who brings so much baggage?

People often aren’t able to see the wood for the trees, especially when they’re upset. This is understandable and it’s normal for there to be a straw that breaks the camel’s back.

I was in a relationship like this and it really broke me in the end

Stop making excuses for him. "Avoidant tendencies" my arse