BF didn’t text me happy new year..

[mixednuts7]

Will try to keep this short. Been with a guy for 16/17 months.. going really well, we are very close emotionally normally, in love, shared lots with each other. Physical side of relationship is incredible, both in our 40s, divorced with kids. We are safe spaces for each other. We see each other every other weekend and a couple times throughout the week, always at least once, and always text constantly throughout the day.

He’s been having a few mental health issues lately that I’ve been very supportive with, going to his place more rather than he comes to me etc as he struggles at times with anxiety. We couldn’t be together on nye as he was going out locally with friends (I was invited) but I had my kids at home. He was let down by his mates re evening arrangements and was upset earlier in the evening, understandably so, so I talked with him about it to be supportive. He has avoidant tendencies so tends to shut down a bit when he feels like he’s struggling, so I offered help/chat and company, but he said no and that he was just going to bed. I was alone at my house with the kids, who were floating about, but online gaming with friends so I was feeling lonely too; it’s been a rough year for the three of us since divorcing my abusive ex. I asked to ring him but he declined saying his head wasn’t in the right space and that he’d prob just go to bed.

Later in the evening BF texts me to say he’s going out afterall. I texted to say I’d like to speak to him before the new year hit to say hi but he said it was too loud at the venue. Ok fine. I wasn’t going to ask him to call yet again though, or else it looked like I was being needy. I was feeling lonely though and struggling with it a little. Anyway.. midnight came. No text, no call, nothing. Until 3am when I got a message just saying “HNY. Sorry. “

I’ve been upset. Feels like I’m just an afterthought, when our relationship has always been close. We’ve both been badly hurt by narc cheating exes and align on so many values and morals. Yes he struggles with anxiety and hates speaking on the phone, always has. But it takes nothing to send a text.

A male friend said he was just busy anmd drinking with mates and that it probably slipped his mind and that I shouldn’t react strongly. His wife said sod that, he should have texted and I need to reevaluate.

What are your guys opinions? What would you do? Big deal or not a big deal?

I’m upset and dont want to speak to him tomorrow morning. I have written a text reply telling him why I feel gutted but haven’t sent it yet. Aibu?

I think it was more that I’ve constantly had to be the strong one. In my marriage, in the divorce, for the kids, and now here (which I don’t begrudge him)

This stood out to me. He’s not the wonderful guy you seem to think he is, he just feels familiar. You’ve slotted right into the saviour role, which feels comfortable as that’s all you’ve known, but is ultimately unhealthy.

You need some time on your own to build your confidence or you’ll keep repeating this cycle.

You are too available. Try and make other friends and maybe a hobby so you are not always waiting for him or chasing him when he says he doesn't have headspace...

I think you do need to reevaluate based on what you've described (the hny text upset being a symptom more than anything).

Think about what you're looking for in a relationship, and honestly ask, is he providing that for you?

It's one thing weathering a mental health storm after years in an established relationship, but it's not an ideal time to start one, especially if you're both recovering from your previous relationships.

I don't like that he was seemingly able to perk up for his mates and a night out but had zero to offer you. His text sounds very lame as well, what a half arsed message - as both an apology and happy new year text. I think he's setting a tone of low accountability and it's up to you to decide if you want to accept it.

@mixednuts7 I assume he doesn't have children? You were also invited, remind yourself of that.

I think if its a one off, just put it aside but if a pattern, then worth reevaluating. I remember my ex being like this one Christmas and I know how you feel, its like those key dates stir up a lot of emotions and expectations. But remember you were invited, plus he did text you, so see how he behaves afterwards. He must have felt really upset till the last minute when he got an invite so maybe just got caught up in the moment.

A text at midnight is a very low bar and he couldn’t even manage that. I’d be very disappointed.

Please ignore this OP. You are not responsible for his MH !!!
This incident would be insignificant for me.
I'd think twice about this relationship though. Too much hard work.
Don't send the text.
Have you had counselling following your abusive past relationship? I think you have fallen into another negative relationship - 2 people who need time to work on themselves, rather than relying on others.

I think this is an excellent idea

I think you could definitely plan to be less giving of your emotional support and ask for more help, and see if he’s going to be there for you. I can see why you’re thinking about this- it doesn’t sound like you need anyone else in your life to be pouring empathy and support into, and you don’t have a long history together that you owe him this one sidedness at all. Step back- think before speaking - is this supporting me?

Is it really about one text, you want to start a fight over not texting while he is out? If so, YABU.

But it sounds like it’s about more than just one text and this is just the last straw.

I agree with all the PPs and your own comments about needing reciprocal support in a relationship, and clearly you’re realising it’s not actually about the HNY text. But I did also note you said you hadn’t especially communicated to him that you yourself were feeling in need of support and that you tend to ‘power through’. You have absolutely got to find a way to communicate YOUR needs to anyone you’re in a relationship with. I’m not defending your BF as such, but (especially when you’re not physically together) he will only know what you choose to tell him.

OP, it sounds like you are attracted to a certain type of man due to your kind nature. You want to help him with his problems, look after him and make him better. He is taking advantage of this and isn’t giving anything back, probably using his mental health and problems as an excuse.

His mental health isn’t your problem, you can’t fix him or make him a better person. You can’t make him give you more, you can’t make him text you at midnight.

If he’s taking from you and not giving much back then you are constantly going to be disappointed.

Maybe he isn’t the one for you?

I am a similar age and have met so many men who seem to have issues and need/want mothering, I now just stay away from these types even though it’s in my nature to help people. They are not my problem and their problems are not my problem. Being single and not having the emotional stress of a relationship is so much easier.

Always giving but not often receiving.

This is hard. I had a long term partner like this. Literally unable to support me. Unable to give me a hug when I lost my job. Spent 10 minutes with me and then went home. Spent shopping time, looking for gifts for friends. I got very little or unthought out gifts. Would cook a meal for a friend, making something they loved whereas never considering what I liked. The relationship ended up being so dysfunctional that I left.

I'm at the point now where I would rather be single than deal with the possibility of a selfish partner.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but it seems a bit of a coincidence to me that you suddenly needed “support” whilst he was out eith friends and that support had to be a call when he’s out at a loud bar drunk with friends.

Sounds more like you were a bit jealous he was out without you and not in constant contact so you tried to make him prove his love for you by asking him to put you above his night out and friends.

You’ve not actually given a reason why you needed to call him - you just said you were feeling a bit lonely on NYE but you had your children and could have just gone to bed/talked it over with him when he wasn’t busy.

This is what I think. It's not a relationship where he supports you, OP, it's a relationship where you support him. The whole relationship sounds like a lot of work.

Hi I think he is using you as a free counsellor (or as you call it, a safe space) . He went out with other people, and didn’t want to spend last night with you.
Be careful of your own mental health.
Stop being so nice to him, if he wants a mammy then don’t fall into that role, you need to look after yourself and your children because he is taking you for granted. Toughen up. If he wants to be with you he needs to show that to you and make an effort. He is well able to do that.

All the very best x

You need to focus on your own mental health tbh. This is such an overreaction. Perhaps you shouldn't be together. Not sure why he apologised.

I agree with this. I would have been like this when I was 18/19 in my first few relationships, sat stressing looking at my phone waiting for a message. It sounds like you need to have a think about whether this relationship is for you. He didn’t do anything wrong going out and not messaging you earlier- he would have been trying to have fun with his friends.

You’re in your 40s behaving like a teenager over a text (that he DID send, albeit later than you wanted).

Whats wrong in wanting to speak or text your partner on nye? He was well enough to go out and party till 3am but not well enough to give op the time of day. That doesn't make op insecure just because shes aware of his behaviour which in itself isnt the end of the world but still wasnt nice.

You ended an abusive marriage two year ago and quickly started dating a mentally ill man.
The only reason to date men is for them to hugely enhance your life and make every aspect easier and fun. Does this boyfriend do that?
You could be working on yourself, learning who you are, having therapy for the trauma of abuse, and just enjoying the sheer bliss of being free of males.
You could go back to date this man in a few years if he has sorted his life out and doesn't expect you to be his emotional support girlfriend.

Kindly did you tell him you needed support or just expected him to know when you said it would be nice to talk to him? My DH is rubbish at communicating and sulks rather than “use his words”. I’ve had to remind him I’m not a mind reader and he needs to articulate more. Maybe sit him down and say you are tired of being his support and getting nothing in return. How he responds will tell you if he’s worth keeping around. HNY to you and I hope he steps up

This is not the wonderful relationship you are claiming it is. It all sounds very needy and exhausting. Re read what you have written and imagine someone else telling you this - I think you might feel very differently. The endless therapy speak when you talk about him is not how people in solid relationships talk about each other. It sounds like you might be attracted to people you want to fix. Don’t send the text, have a good think about what you really get from being with this man and make 2026 the year you focus on you and your kids.

I don’t get the whole wishing everyone Happy new year. I literally couldn’t care less!!! Maybe he feels the same.

Sometimes text messages are delayed on NYE because of online traffic on mobiles. Maybe sent earlier than 3 but arrived late?

Not being harsh, but I’m in my 40s too and the very absolute last thing I would be doing is taking on someone with such complex Mh issues, or even these issues in general.