BF didn’t text me happy new year..

[mixednuts7]

Will try to keep this short. Been with a guy for 16/17 months.. going really well, we are very close emotionally normally, in love, shared lots with each other. Physical side of relationship is incredible, both in our 40s, divorced with kids. We are safe spaces for each other. We see each other every other weekend and a couple times throughout the week, always at least once, and always text constantly throughout the day.

He’s been having a few mental health issues lately that I’ve been very supportive with, going to his place more rather than he comes to me etc as he struggles at times with anxiety. We couldn’t be together on nye as he was going out locally with friends (I was invited) but I had my kids at home. He was let down by his mates re evening arrangements and was upset earlier in the evening, understandably so, so I talked with him about it to be supportive. He has avoidant tendencies so tends to shut down a bit when he feels like he’s struggling, so I offered help/chat and company, but he said no and that he was just going to bed. I was alone at my house with the kids, who were floating about, but online gaming with friends so I was feeling lonely too; it’s been a rough year for the three of us since divorcing my abusive ex. I asked to ring him but he declined saying his head wasn’t in the right space and that he’d prob just go to bed.

Later in the evening BF texts me to say he’s going out afterall. I texted to say I’d like to speak to him before the new year hit to say hi but he said it was too loud at the venue. Ok fine. I wasn’t going to ask him to call yet again though, or else it looked like I was being needy. I was feeling lonely though and struggling with it a little. Anyway.. midnight came. No text, no call, nothing. Until 3am when I got a message just saying “HNY. Sorry. “

I’ve been upset. Feels like I’m just an afterthought, when our relationship has always been close. We’ve both been badly hurt by narc cheating exes and align on so many values and morals. Yes he struggles with anxiety and hates speaking on the phone, always has. But it takes nothing to send a text.

A male friend said he was just busy anmd drinking with mates and that it probably slipped his mind and that I shouldn’t react strongly. His wife said sod that, he should have texted and I need to reevaluate.

What are your guys opinions? What would you do? Big deal or not a big deal?

I’m upset and dont want to speak to him tomorrow morning. I have written a text reply telling him why I feel gutted but haven’t sent it yet. Aibu?

It’s quite possible it was nothing personal against you.

He was feeling down and needed some space to reset before then going out again.

I often find i need some time to calm down by myself without people needing my attention and then i feel better.

Please work on your self esteem. You sound like someone 20+ years younger than your age.

With kindness, yes I think you’re overreacting. He doesn’t have the capacity to give back to you what you have been giving to him at the moment. Otherwise, your relationship sounds pretty good. I sometimes expect people to be mind readers and hope they will behave in the same way I would. When they don’t I’m disappointed. Direct communication when you see each other is the best way fwd from this.

Cons text messages will further add to his anxiety and drive a wedge. My advice would be to text him less throughout a normal day. Most men would find this irritating.

He did message you though. What time did you message him?

Happy NY to you.x

You are not unreasonable. It’s not about NYE but about helping him out so much, and not getting much back when you for once, ask for something. I’d reevaluate, seriously. You have come out of an abusive relationship and walked into a new relationship with an emotionally needy man, who won’t reciprocate help when needed. I wonder, what is the upside, for you, in this relationship? I would never want someone else’s emotional mess so early in a relationship (would be different after a long marriage … but I’d never choose all that shit when starting over …) All the best for the New Year, OP.

Think you hit the nail on the head.. we are close but I tend to not talk about my own issues and things I need support with, because he struggles with his issues. So I don’t want to put anything on his plate so to speak. So I think when I broke a little last night and needed something from him, not getting even a text or quick call was hard. But yeah I think there’s a deeper picture here and I need to make sure I’m meeting my own needs first so I’m not quite so spent constantly

I don't think you're needy. I think when you've got divorced and have kids you spend a lot of time and energy propping up other people and absorb a lot of their emotional struggles - as you should when they're your kids.

But adults also need someone to support them sometimes too. My DH does for me when I've got issues around my ex, I appreciate that I've got my DH to support me in these times. It's not some massive deal, he just gives me a hug and listens - I feel like it brings me back and reminds me I've got a lot to be grateful for.

I think last night is probably not a situation to test whether or not your boyfriend is up to the job if he was out already when you told him you needed support.

I think if what you need is a relationship with someone who Will show up for you when you need support, then you should sit your bf down when he's over his hangover and explain that, don't mention last night as he'll feel attacked and blamed, just tell him what you do need now, today.

If he can't get over himself to give it to you, then he doesn't have what you need at the moment, but give him a fair shot at understanding and being able to provide it.

But if you break it down, it's pretty simple. Identify what you need from him, then tell him, be really clear. If he's not up for it then you're not what each other need at the moment.

It is possible he can't provide it if he's too up in his own head, in which case you really are on a hiding to nowhere. Don't carry that on.

He probably thought you were in bed. Why would you ask to phone him if he hates phone conversations?
You feeling lonely and relying on one person to fix that is the problem. You could have done something fun with your lovely children instead of waiting by the phone for a text!

Sorry, you’re unreasonable. This is much too needy.

it seems you have started your relationship pretty much immediately after your divorce. Are you sure you are ready for this intense relationship with someone with MH issues, when you are just out of an abusive marriage? Tbh it sounds like some time alone without attending to any man’s needs would be in order.

I agree with you

Put you first

Stop giving so much to him. Give to you instead

And if you continue to feel that he takes too much , rethink the relationship

Maybe take a break or end it

I'd suggest couples counselling but I'm pretty sure Mr Taker wouldn't be interested

Thanks, that’s all good advice. And a lot more emotionally intelligent than the “no wonder he has MH issues with you as his gf” comments. It isn’t about NYE, it’s about reciprocal support, I just probably worded the original thread badly. I think the thing about being clear is an important point, it’s easy to assume people know what’s running through minds I guess

And have to agree with others. Just reply to him ”thanks, no worries”. Then forget about the text drama.

I definitely agree with this ^
Sometimes we can get to a place where we give and give because that's the only way we know to keep the man and the relationship
Fuck him....take time for you. Concentrate on you

It sounds like everything is always about him rather than you, and that you have somehow slipped into the dynamic of being like his support worker and person who exists for him to vent to. However, on the rare occasion that you want something from him, seems like he is nowhere to be seen.

You say that it wasn’t possible for the two of you to spend NYE together but it was. He could have chosen to spend it at home with you, but it sounds like this didn’t even cross his mind. He then went on to you about how he was disappointed with his plans not working out and not being able to go out, without any consideration to you also not being able to go out as you just suck things up and he doesn’t.

And if you needed support from him, fair enough. But time and place. It just seems a bit controlling to need it on NYE when he’s going out with friends.

Relationships just shouldn't be this difficult, they are meant to make you feel happy, secure and loved. If they don't then it's not worth it.

That’s true. I spent the best part of ten years flattening myself for the sake of peace with a controlling and abusive narc and I’m probably still far too quick to forget that I don’t need to live like that anymore.

He was out enjoying himself and simply forgot to send a message at midnight. He did it when he remembered. You are reading far too much into it. All this extra 'context' that you are now adding is actually irrelevant. Let it go.

He’s leaning on you and taking from you emotionally. And you’re rescuing him and giving unevenly.

This isn’t a balanced relationship and you should probably end it.

I disagree with the majority of posters here. It clearly mattered to you! You know what, it’s ok to be needy and want to be thought of at New Year. It’s ok to expect more from your partner, but you should communicate that, rather than brush it under the carpet. I would be hurt if my partner didn’t think about me enough to send a text, it would make me feel sad. Totally fine if the majority of people don’t care or have that need, but it would be important for me

Make 2026 about you and what you want. People with MH problems can be a bit selfish and needy and it can be draining. Step back from being his therapist maybe because it sounds like he off loads on you and feels a lot better but then you feel stressed and crap. You sound a kind and supportive partner but he doesn’t seem to give much in return. I would be reevaluating the relationship.

Sounds like you aren't ready for a relationship. You're still getting over your last relationship.

This bloke sees you are his MH nurse, there when he needs you, and perfectly capable of going on a night out with his mates when it suits him - where was his anxiety then?

you're definitely not his priority, your relationship is one of convenience to him. I'd bin him off and work on getting your own MH stronger.

Absolutely! Make 2026 about you ❤️
Not about a man

This thread is Mumsnet at its finest, the sort of stuff you only see on the birthday threads where if a man shit in a box for them posters would see it as extravagant. I assume you all locked yourself in a cupboard at 12:59 so no one could say anything nice to you because you don’t care. Everyone whinges like their life depends on it about “cool wives” and then falls over themselves to say how much they don’t hold stock about occasions.

OP’s boyfriend literally couldn’t be bothered to send her a text until three hours later. The man’s a bellend.

Oldies? They are in their 40’s, as am I. I had a mobile phone since I was 18, and texting was a thing from the late 90’s.