BF didn’t text me happy new year..

[mixednuts7]

Will try to keep this short. Been with a guy for 16/17 months.. going really well, we are very close emotionally normally, in love, shared lots with each other. Physical side of relationship is incredible, both in our 40s, divorced with kids. We are safe spaces for each other. We see each other every other weekend and a couple times throughout the week, always at least once, and always text constantly throughout the day.

He’s been having a few mental health issues lately that I’ve been very supportive with, going to his place more rather than he comes to me etc as he struggles at times with anxiety. We couldn’t be together on nye as he was going out locally with friends (I was invited) but I had my kids at home. He was let down by his mates re evening arrangements and was upset earlier in the evening, understandably so, so I talked with him about it to be supportive. He has avoidant tendencies so tends to shut down a bit when he feels like he’s struggling, so I offered help/chat and company, but he said no and that he was just going to bed. I was alone at my house with the kids, who were floating about, but online gaming with friends so I was feeling lonely too; it’s been a rough year for the three of us since divorcing my abusive ex. I asked to ring him but he declined saying his head wasn’t in the right space and that he’d prob just go to bed.

Later in the evening BF texts me to say he’s going out afterall. I texted to say I’d like to speak to him before the new year hit to say hi but he said it was too loud at the venue. Ok fine. I wasn’t going to ask him to call yet again though, or else it looked like I was being needy. I was feeling lonely though and struggling with it a little. Anyway.. midnight came. No text, no call, nothing. Until 3am when I got a message just saying “HNY. Sorry. “

I’ve been upset. Feels like I’m just an afterthought, when our relationship has always been close. We’ve both been badly hurt by narc cheating exes and align on so many values and morals. Yes he struggles with anxiety and hates speaking on the phone, always has. But it takes nothing to send a text.

A male friend said he was just busy anmd drinking with mates and that it probably slipped his mind and that I shouldn’t react strongly. His wife said sod that, he should have texted and I need to reevaluate.

What are your guys opinions? What would you do? Big deal or not a big deal?

I’m upset and dont want to speak to him tomorrow morning. I have written a text reply telling him why I feel gutted but haven’t sent it yet. Aibu?

Yeah I think that's exactly it. It's too easy to get used to the role of supporting everyone else and if you've come out of a bad relationship then it can be really hard to identify and express your own needs in a non-argumentative, non-emotional way.

We all just slip into certain ways of behaving, but if you're not happy with the way things are then you just need to say it to the other person, it's their job to either listen and step-up or not.

At least then you know whether they're the right person for you or not.

It's also helpful to recognise this is not your husband and father of your children. If it's not providing you with something positive, then you don't need to work on it and keep at it. Just get rid of it and find something which works. Maybe what works is just you and your kids for a bit with lots of good friends around.

The great thing about getting divorced is you get to prioritise only the needs of yourself and your children. It's a lot more simple.

Mumsnet always produces some unnecessarily mean comments, try not to take it personally. I'm sure people don't go around taking to other people in real life like this.

his main MH support person. Always giving but not often receiving.

sad but true: endlessly being there for someone who is struggling just doesn’t mean that they will be willing and able to reciprocate the one time when you need them to step up.

It just doesn’t work like that.

The ‘normal in this relationship is heavily sloped towards their needs, and not yours, being fulfilled.

Now you have seen it, you can start to prioritise your own needs and those of your own loved ones

Happy New Year

I've reported this obnoxious crap

This is what I picked up from your first post - you seem to be offering a lot of support and understanding to him, generally.

IF, other than last night, the relationship is balanced and mutually supportive, then I’d let this go. But if, as you seem to be saying, it’s you doing all the giving then you should re-assess how good the relationship really is.

He isn't your 'safe space'. He is a relatively new boyfriend with MH issues who you clearly feel quite insecure about, which is why you are worrying about his lack of texts so much. You have only been with him for a year and a half and you say that over the last year he has had a lot of issues. It doesn't sound much fun for you. It is better to see a councillor or get support from people who have been a constant throughout your life rather than relying so heavily on a newish relationship. That goes for both of you really.

@mixednuts7 everyone around him would have been txting calling there loved ones .
He chose for you to be out of site out of mind .
He also never chose you once as an option. .
This “relationship” sounds very one sided .
I would t bother txting him . Does t sound like he would care about your feelings.
Just ignore his txt untill you are feeling ready and you have got your thoughts together .
It does sound like he’s taking from you and giving nothing back. .You are not his priority .

@mixednuts7 I’m wondering whether this man is ready for a relationship OP? In terms of a relationship being reciprocal? It sounds to me like it is quite one sided. And this became more apparent on NYE, you, for once, were asking for your relational needs to be met. He couldn’t, or wouldn’t, do it. Not even once. I think perhaps you both have some healing to do before a healthy relationship can be possible. Maybe take a step back?

You are being childish, and as other posters have said, you sound like a teenager rather than a woman in her 40s

Is this out of character for him? Is he normally good at giving reciprocal support?

Or is it the case that it's made you realise/notice that he's generally quite self absorbed.

MH issues/depression/anxiety can make people self absorbed unfortunately

If it were me I'd keep a note of this on your phone and how it made you feel. Keep things under review. If you regularly feel shit and unsupported in this relationship then maybe it's time to move on.

Leaving the first relationship after a bad marriage can be really really hard but make sure you're not settling for something that doesn't work for you. You didn't go through all you went through leaving your H to be with someone where you end up feeling rubbish.

If it's an out of character one-off then just leave it if you can, bring up another time how it made you feel if needed but hopefully you didn't message late last night.

I do think you're needy and unreasonable, but also that there are clear and obvious reasons for that. I get your point about having given him support and wanting a bit back, but it sounds a lot like insecurity when you happen to need the support when he's out with his mates on NYE and wanting to focus on something else for a while. This can happen a lot when relationships have quickly moved to being quite full on, as yours sounds- it's lovely that you're so close, but that can mean it feels odd when they go off and have a few hours or a few days when you're not focused on one another.
I was like this in relationships, basically until peri when my neediness just fell away. It's an uncomfortable place to be. And I would have discounted the opinion of anyone who said anything like the above to me! But the fact is, you have a good relationship with a man who went out and thought of you before going to bed, sending you a HNY text.

i “was there for” my bf. but it affected our relationship as it moved me into the “counsellor-that-also-shags” space, rather than the “gf who has feelings and needs and we go 50-50 on all joys and problems” space.

i learned from that that it’s better to be one or the other. if you offer support too much it gets taken for granted and you become his mother, and the emasculated bf doesnt see you in the same way. he will say he does. but he doesn't.

so this year id suggest he gets proper counselling. you could benefit from it too. it’s not cheap but it’s life changing. And charities provide at reduced rates. the nhs waiting lists are too long and some areas dont provide at all. unbelievably.

as for the text, he should have thought of you first. but prob just having a good time with the lads and didnt notice how long had passed since he thought “oh i must text my gf will do it in five” and hours went by. presumably til he got home.

Does the venue have reception issues inside? i had to go out to text family in the one i used to bring in the bells at. And it was annoying having to go outside alone (when my pals and i were in the middle of having a laugh and it was fun) as it was cold and pouring some years, but i did my duty and phoned and texted family as i was expected to.Guys are not so good at that. plus do you want to be a duty? no. You should be a joy not a duty!

i think you nwed to pull back from counselling him to be just the gf. he needs medicated and professional help to get through this spell.

im not sure hes the one. i think he may be a rebound for you but only time will tell.

I think there a few things to unpick here.

Firstly, well done for getting out of an abusive relationship, it’s a long road to recovery and you’ve done an amazing thing.

I think this experience may be clouding a few things for you though. It’s not normal to have to overthink interactions like this for reassurance and that sounds like a hangover from your bad relationship.

It also sounds as though you are used to being the giver or feeing safe as long as you’re needed and have picked a guy with complex needs to keep fulfilling this. Unfortunately, I don’t think he is ready for a proper relationship with you as he needs to deal with his own problems.

basically, you are both coming to this with a lot of baggage. After a certain age that’s just life and we all have some, but it doesn’t mean your baggage is compatible. I’d find someone whose attachment style you don’t have to overthink or be on your own for a bit longer to work out why you’re in this pattern of over giving and then feeling resentful when it isn’t reciprocated.

wish you all the best for 2026, it can only be onwards and upwards!

Have I slept for 24 hours? I don’t understand the timelines here. It’s 8.45am right now on NYD. Your bf texted you at 3am and you wrote your post a couple of hours later having already consulted a male friend and his wife. I feel like I have missed something.

"For once", "the one thing", sorry OP this sounds like a lot of emotional guilt etc... why don't you find someone who has the behaviours you actually want rather than giving to recieve with conditions?

It doesn't sound like either of you are actually healed from your previous relationships at all and you are now both using each other as a sort of emotional support animal. For such a new relationship is sounds very dark and hard work, when you should really be in the honeymoon period. I think you should both focus on getting yourselves to a better place individually, the whole thing has got emotional manipulation and martyrdom written all over it.

Having escaped an abusive marriage did you really need to jump straight into another relationship? I'd spend some time on your own tbh.

Just focusing on the issue at hand YABU.

But if we’re talking bigger picture YANBU. You deserve to been seen and supported, not just him.

He may be lovely and kind and all the qualities you describe but if you’re never getting all the things you put in for him it’s not ok.

You are not needy at all. You adapted to become a people pleaser to survive in a potentially dangerous and volatile situation. Now you need to retrain your central nervous system that you are safe and can put your needs, feelings and preferences ahead of just surviving.

I suspect that you would benefit from much more support and understanding than just looking for it ‘once’.

There is some good advice on this thread, also look at the book The body keeps score.

For 2026, put you first and you will feel so much stronger when you do.

I get it, but I think YABU. Your feelings are valid, but you’re putting too much weight on this one evening.

You say it could have been any night but it wasn’t. It was NYE, you knew he was out with friends, and you decided that if he didn’t message you at midnight exactly it would prove that he doesn’t care about supporting you.

I imagine (but don’t know!) that he does care about supporting you, and perhaps would do a better job if it wasn’t suddenly sprung on him by text on NYE when he’s out with friends.

I agree.

There is a really good expression that covers this - don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Basically you want to be his lover not his social worker/therapist.

You have had some great advice on here. I hope you can find a way forward 💐

I would have been hurt too and tbh my initial reaction was that he’s checking out of his interest.
He certainly doesn’t sound loving and invested.
I think it’s totally normal to expect a close partner to want to wish you HNY at midnight even if they are out without you.

He sounds selfish- happy to accept your support but wanting it all on his terms and not actually that loving about you and how you feel.

The dynamic sounds wrong. And like it’s become a weird emotional crutch space rather than a fun loving mutually beneficial relationship and I’d be seriously reconsidering.

After an abusive marriage and a tricky divorce you would really benefit from time alone to rebuild and work on your self esteem and getting what YOU want out of life and I would worry that you slip into an unhealthy dynamic again here. Be careful OP and do not sell yourself short.

It’s ok to need what we need and to voice that an expect it. No one is obliged to give it but you also have the option to walk away if they don’t or won’t.

Your boyfriend may not have text you bang on midnight but he did text you! If he hadn't bothered to text at all, then surely that would have been more of an issue?

Yabu. He did text you. I didn't text anyone happy new year until I woke at 8.30.

If you want to @mixednuts7 maybe start a new thread in relationships focussing on the bigger issues

I just needed someone to think of me for a change I guess.

So think of yourself, and get out of this relationship which you know is a co-dependent mess. It may be better than the previous abuse, but it sounds as if you're trying to tie yourself to someone with vulnerabilities so they feel obligated to give you what you need in return. That's not healthy either.