BF didn’t text me happy new year..

[mixednuts7]

Will try to keep this short. Been with a guy for 16/17 months.. going really well, we are very close emotionally normally, in love, shared lots with each other. Physical side of relationship is incredible, both in our 40s, divorced with kids. We are safe spaces for each other. We see each other every other weekend and a couple times throughout the week, always at least once, and always text constantly throughout the day.

He’s been having a few mental health issues lately that I’ve been very supportive with, going to his place more rather than he comes to me etc as he struggles at times with anxiety. We couldn’t be together on nye as he was going out locally with friends (I was invited) but I had my kids at home. He was let down by his mates re evening arrangements and was upset earlier in the evening, understandably so, so I talked with him about it to be supportive. He has avoidant tendencies so tends to shut down a bit when he feels like he’s struggling, so I offered help/chat and company, but he said no and that he was just going to bed. I was alone at my house with the kids, who were floating about, but online gaming with friends so I was feeling lonely too; it’s been a rough year for the three of us since divorcing my abusive ex. I asked to ring him but he declined saying his head wasn’t in the right space and that he’d prob just go to bed.

Later in the evening BF texts me to say he’s going out afterall. I texted to say I’d like to speak to him before the new year hit to say hi but he said it was too loud at the venue. Ok fine. I wasn’t going to ask him to call yet again though, or else it looked like I was being needy. I was feeling lonely though and struggling with it a little. Anyway.. midnight came. No text, no call, nothing. Until 3am when I got a message just saying “HNY. Sorry. “

I’ve been upset. Feels like I’m just an afterthought, when our relationship has always been close. We’ve both been badly hurt by narc cheating exes and align on so many values and morals. Yes he struggles with anxiety and hates speaking on the phone, always has. But it takes nothing to send a text.

A male friend said he was just busy anmd drinking with mates and that it probably slipped his mind and that I shouldn’t react strongly. His wife said sod that, he should have texted and I need to reevaluate.

What are your guys opinions? What would you do? Big deal or not a big deal?

I’m upset and dont want to speak to him tomorrow morning. I have written a text reply telling him why I feel gutted but haven’t sent it yet. Aibu?

I think you're overreacting about the text, that's not a big deal. However, I think it sounds as though you both have some issues that you need to work through and if you've recently come out of an abusive relationship maybe being with this man isn't the best thing for you right now. Maybe its a case of right person, wrong time?

Maybe,reevaluate.
From abusive relationship to one where you feel like you are the giver and supporter
You cannot cure his mh
Maybe it is too much to take on
Maybe reconsider
It looks too stressful

This.

Who says ‘we are each others safe space’ !!
OP you sound so needy and intense . I’m not Suprised he went out without you … I bet you over analyse his every move ! I wouldn’t be Suprised if he ends this relationship with you tbh.
I certainly couldn’t cope with this level of over analysis and trying to attribute reasons to everything .

Ok I’ll paraphrase. I’m HIS safe space because he is the one who is needy and intense and I’m just the one who takes it without asking for anything back. The time I do I don’t get a look in. That’s what was upsetting.

Look NYE is often a bit weird. I really wouldnt make a big deal of it. If you are happy generally, let it go. Dont cause drama just because you are feeling a bit put out.

It doesn’t sound like he makes any or much effort to emotionally support you, when you are exhausting yourself to support him. You have enough to worry about supporting yourself and your DC after abuse. Why are you letting this man take these precious resources away from you and them?? Get rid and look after yourself and your DC.

The right man will pour into your cup not just guzzle it cause he’s a bit thirsty, then run off to have to fun with his friends and leave you dry. He sounds very self centred.

Stay true to yourself @mixednuts7 you have a lot more EI than people on here are giving you credit for.

He's a fool to undervalue what you bring to the relationship, bags of life experience and strength. You genuinely deserve better.

Don't let anyone minimise your needs by saying you're making a fuss over nothing. By their account you should keep quiet and stop expressing your truth. You need a more equal relationship of give and take, not just him being a sponge. This man sounds like he has the intelligence of an amoeba.

ETA those of us who are the fixers and copers in life often get misunderstood because we deal with shit and to some, that is misunderstood as us not having needs of our own (been there, got the TShirt!) when we do, but those needs often get set to one side because of others' demands taking pole position.

This. It’s all well and good considering his needs but what about yours. Abuse can come in many forms. If you are supporting him but he isn’t supporting you it is not equal. Likewise him saying he wasn’t coming to you but you wanted him to call but yet suddenly he feels ‘well’ enough to go out. Rethink this one. Sometimes abuse is a fine line. Or just that he can’t and shouldn’t be a proper relationship. So many women in particular try to fix men. They need to fix themselves. He does not sound like an equal and supportive partner. My husband does over and above pretty much all household chores and does all the school runs and homework etc he supports me and is always there for me despite his mental health sometimes wobbling. What about your needs?

From what I've read, I feel as if you have different needs. He needs a carer/support worker, and you need someone who is in the right emotional and mental state to be able to engage properly in a relationship and reciprocate.

If it were me, I'd consider if this is what I want or not because unless he sees it as a problem and wants to change, this is as good as it gets. Is this what you wanted from a relationship?

I don't think it is unreasonable to want someone to make you feel as if you are important to them and a priority. It doesn't take more than a minute to text you and it is okay if your bar for a successful and satisfying relationship for you is to want and need that. It is also okay for him to not want to do that and for that to not be important to him. In that case, I would suggest you're incompatible in what you both want from this relationship.

I think you’re being overly dramatic about the text but your updates paint a picture of an unhappy relationship which isn’t benefiting you

You’ve only been together just over a year and it’s causing this much angst - is it really worth it?
Surely being single is better than this emotional turmoil over a bloke?

You both sound like extremely hard work!You weren't on your own, your children were with you.
I have no idea what the problem is meant to be, you got a text. I wouldn't have been happy if it woke me at 3 in the morning but you haven't mentioned that.

Maybe try investing your time into therapy instead !
Everytime you try to explain - it all just sounds more of a car crash !

Did you text him to say happy new year? Also if there's lots of people texting at once it can take longer for the text to go through.

Relationships aren't supposed to be group therapy. Neither of you are in a place were you should be in intense relationships. Work on yourself and find ways to have fun. Don't be anyone's trauma dumping ground.

Oh dear OP. You sound very emotionally intelligent, that you have ‘done a lot of work on yourself’. But I agree with PPs, you are too needy. More to be done and without this chap as a crutch. You sound intense and maybe he finds you a bit exhausting? Do you have fun, lightness with him? Frankly, relationships shouldn’t be this hard…

Yeah, this rather supports what I said above. This sounds like pure trauma point scoring. I did two for you, now you owe me two in return. Why anyone would want to be in a relationship like this is beyond me….

So you divorced your abusive ex this year but you have been with BF for 16/17 months.

Sounds like you need some time with just you and your children. No need to get involved with another man. Your happy space should be with them then you wouldn't get hung up on if you don't get the text messages you expect from someone.

LTFB

I think it’s all a bit over the top. The Happy New Year greeting is pretty pointless these days. It’s for show.

Have to agree with this.

OP - the amount of time, energy and headspace you’re wasting on this man should be spent prioritising your DC who have had to deal with their parents divorce and adjust to a huge life changing experience.

Did you take time out to be on your own and work on yourself after your split? Because sadly after an abusive relationship your boundaries are not where they should be and you find spotting red flags difficult unless you’ve done the work.

I would say you need to end this relationship, prioritise your DC and look at doing the freedom programme to understand why you repeat the same pattern with men.

I exited the marriage about 3-4 years prior to it going through, good friends helped me make an exit plan. He moved out, I got counselling and a solicitor. He made it extremely difficult process and the divorce took a year to settle and the sale of the house a few months after that. I had about two years on my own, then started seeing current bf. The divorce eventually finalised last year and the house sale this year. So it’s been a while. The marriage was dead long before I divorced him. I did well to get out. My bf is a lovely guy but does have MH issues and think I’ve probably dropped straight into the carer role that I’m familiar with.

I’ll add… of course when I have my kids which is half the time, I’m 100% focused on them. They’ve been through a lot too and I certainly don’t minimise that. They’re doing well all things considered and I’ve organised support for them outside of it all. Their Dad is still very toxic unfortunately so i do everything in my power to mitigate it. In the time i dont have my kids, i do agree with the posters suggesting i should probably prioritise myself and time alone though rather than try to deal with others’ mental health issues.

I mean this kindly, OP I think it might be time to put yourself first for a change. You deserve more than being the fixer.

So stop.

Be yourself, and when you need help ask. If the people you expect to support you don't, then you know they're twats.