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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

311 replies

Whenisitmyturn29384 · 31/12/2025 10:36

I know im being unreasonable, and its just the demands of family life but im feeling really pissed off.
When this happens I find myself acting like a stroppy teenager because I feel like im being parented even though im 41 years old.

I have elderly parents , always wanting ,needing something.
I have teenagers , always wanting lifts, money, arranging social lives without even asking me first then expecting me to drop everything and take them here, there and everywhere.
I work in education so I am lucky to get 2 weeks off at Christmas. I was in need of a rest as im knackered and have some health problems. I want to put my feet up, not get dressed, read a book, take a bath, watch tv, eat crap.
Instead every day has been spent entertaining others, running errands, taking kids, doing what my husband wants. There are only a few days left of the holidays, my plan was to chill out as I haven't had much chance. This morning before id even had the first sip of my cuppa , hes on at me what tme are we going out, need to go here, here and here. Tomorrow doing this and Friday you need to take teenager and her friend shopping.
Im sick of it! I stomped my foot and stormed off like a stroppy teenager but thats how I feel. Im now sulking upstairs begrudgingly getting ready.
I dont want to do these things!! When will it be my time? When can I do what I want ?

OP posts:
user665178392470 · 31/12/2025 15:29

Parents - get them a gardener, cleaner, taxi firm number, or whatever to outsource their needs.
Teens - depends where you live, we are very rural which is our choice so I accepted that I’d be driving them everywhere till they were 17, if you’re on a bus route, near the train station, get them to use public transport, or they can get a bike!
The kids will eventually not need you, neither will your parents so decide what your prepared to do and stick to it, it’s not forever.

Original poster
Whenisitmyturn29384 · 31/12/2025 15:29

We live semi rural. There is no direct bus route to anywhere. There is a group of about 20 lads so we parents do take it in turns to car share/give lifts etc. Just had to do it now. Had just got home, was about to take my first sip of my coffee. Son rings, can I go and fetch him with 3 other lads too. They are waiting now. Now they are getting freshened up then want a lift to the next place. Its never ending!!!
Husband just thinks he can dictate out time. We've been in each other's company too long over this break which isnt helping. He never goes anywhere without me . Drives me mad . His car has broken down at the moment so we only have the use of mine.

OP posts:
Christmaseree · 31/12/2025 15:31

Whenisitmyturn29384 · 31/12/2025 15:29

We live semi rural. There is no direct bus route to anywhere. There is a group of about 20 lads so we parents do take it in turns to car share/give lifts etc. Just had to do it now. Had just got home, was about to take my first sip of my coffee. Son rings, can I go and fetch him with 3 other lads too. They are waiting now. Now they are getting freshened up then want a lift to the next place. Its never ending!!!
Husband just thinks he can dictate out time. We've been in each other's company too long over this break which isnt helping. He never goes anywhere without me . Drives me mad . His car has broken down at the moment so we only have the use of mine.

Well your DH will have to go places on his own or stay in then.

SockFluffInTheBath · 31/12/2025 15:32

Is DH insured to drive your car?

TheSmallAssassin · 31/12/2025 15:34

Let your husband do the lifts if he's so desperate to get out of the house - if he's not insured on your car already, you can always do pay as you go insurance.

You really can say no, it's your turn to enjoy the holiday. I would be setting them all straight at this point!

godmum56 · 31/12/2025 15:35

Whenisitmyturn29384 · 31/12/2025 15:29

We live semi rural. There is no direct bus route to anywhere. There is a group of about 20 lads so we parents do take it in turns to car share/give lifts etc. Just had to do it now. Had just got home, was about to take my first sip of my coffee. Son rings, can I go and fetch him with 3 other lads too. They are waiting now. Now they are getting freshened up then want a lift to the next place. Its never ending!!!
Husband just thinks he can dictate out time. We've been in each other's company too long over this break which isnt helping. He never goes anywhere without me . Drives me mad . His car has broken down at the moment so we only have the use of mine.

Send your "D" H to give the lids a lift....mind you asking to be transported from venue to venue is taking the piss IMO.

TheSmallAssassin · 31/12/2025 15:36

Or at least say they can wait half an hour until you've had a sit down and finished your coffee, it won't kill them!

FelixRyark · 31/12/2025 15:36

Ok OP. I’m saying this as if you are my friend, so keeping it very real.

You are waiting for:
· permission
· appreciation
· a quieter future
None of those will arrive on their own.
Your time becomes yours only when you take it.
People adjust after boundaries are enforced, not before.

Here is a step by step guide for your conversation with your husband.
“I need to reset how this Christmas break has gone for me.
I’m exhausted and I haven’t had any real rest.
From today on, I’m taking protected downtime.”
“That means I won’t be available every day for errands, lifts, or plans that aren’t agreed at least 24 hours in advance.”
“I’m not angry at you, but I am overwhelmed.
I need your support, not more demands.”
“So going forward:
*I need at least one full day and two mornings until noon, this week where I do nothing.
*If you want to go out or do errands, that’s fine, I won’t always be joining.
*Anything involving the kids, that also involves me ferrying anyone anywhere, needs to be checked with me first before you confirm on my behalf.”
“This isn’t up for debate. It’s what I need to stay well.”
Then stop talking.

YetAnotherWannabeWriter · 31/12/2025 15:37

How old are your parents? I doubt they are much older the early 70s if you're 41.

Do they really need 'care'? If so, get them to put things in place- online shopping, cleaner, whatever they need.

Maybe you should book yourself a spa weekend or an Airbnb and just go and chill sometimes and leave everyone to it.

Women do, you know.

You're allowing yourself to be a doormat.
Just learn to say NO and mean it.

HoppaPoppa99 · 31/12/2025 15:39

Can you get husband insured on your car, and wave him off OP?

Christmaseree · 31/12/2025 15:39

I have a do not disturb sign that I use from time to time to hang on the bedroom or whatever door and my family know that unless the house is burning down to leave me alone.

I also book a solo trip once a year which is heaven for me.

SquidLife · 31/12/2025 15:41

Just say no to going with your husband. He can facilitate his own lifts if he is not able to drive your car.

My kids would be told I need 24 hour notice of their plans and I need to have agreed to supporting them before they commit me or them selves to said plans.

YetAnotherWannabeWriter · 31/12/2025 15:43

You should have both cars insured for each of you.

why are they not?

vanillalattes · 31/12/2025 15:45

Why are you just going along with all this bollocks?

Say no. If your DH's car is broken, he can get a taxi or drive yours, surely?

Happyjoe · 31/12/2025 15:50

Am sorry, but to an extent you really are in charge. Over 2 weeks holiday, I would've told everyone "on Friday and Sat, I am not available. I am having a much needed 'me' days, please do not ask for any lifts/make arrangements that involve me".

May be time to start doing things like this in future. Honestly, I wish my partner had with his elderly dad - he was there so much and on call for the rest, he nearly reached burn out and that was with me helping too. You really do have to look after yourself as well as you look after everyone else. Go easy OP!

Happyjoe · 31/12/2025 15:53

Whenisitmyturn29384 · 31/12/2025 15:29

We live semi rural. There is no direct bus route to anywhere. There is a group of about 20 lads so we parents do take it in turns to car share/give lifts etc. Just had to do it now. Had just got home, was about to take my first sip of my coffee. Son rings, can I go and fetch him with 3 other lads too. They are waiting now. Now they are getting freshened up then want a lift to the next place. Its never ending!!!
Husband just thinks he can dictate out time. We've been in each other's company too long over this break which isnt helping. He never goes anywhere without me . Drives me mad . His car has broken down at the moment so we only have the use of mine.

Can they not walk?

Vaxtable · 31/12/2025 15:58

Start standing up for yourself. Have a family meeting tonight. Tell everyone you are tired don’t want to run round after them anymore or do anything do the rest of the holiday so you are staying at home reading eating watching tv. Dh can run the kids round in your car and can go wherever he wants. You are staying at home

Parker231 · 31/12/2025 15:58

Plan ahead for a day meeting your friends for lunch and afternoon at a wine bar or a day at home in your pj’s watching rubbish tv. Let the rest of the family know what is happening so they can make their own arrangements.
Copy and repeat on a regular basis.

diddl · 31/12/2025 15:59

can I go and fetch him with 3 other lads too. They are waiting now. Now they are getting freshened up then want a lift to the next place. Its never ending!!!

No-that's just taking the piss imo.

Where are are they that there is no other means than you to get from that place to the next?

AcrossthePond55 · 31/12/2025 15:59

@Whenisitmyturn29384

I was rural too, though in the US so I recognize that the 'driving culture' is different here.

As far as chauffeuring the kids around, that's one of the minuses of living in the country. For us it meant NO public transport whatsoever. Not sure how old your teens are, but if they are 'of age' at least one of them should have a license. I know lessons are expensive there, but so worth the cost. Obvs here it's normal for teens to get their license at 16 and I can't tell you what a relief it was when they could drive themselves around. We were also fortunate to be able to have a 'beater' car for their use once they proved 'safe'. If that's not possible, then you and DH should take turns ferrying them about and be sure that other parents are doing their bit. Can non-driving parents (virtually unheard of here) arrange Ubers some of the time? (Mine were teens pre-Uber but 'everyone drives here' so sharing the load wasn't a problem until the kids started getting licenses).

OK, that's out of the way.

Your time is yours, you just need to set the rules, especially when it comes to your DH. He doesn't get to dictate how you spend your time AND he needs to learn to run errands/go places on his own. It's really a waste of resources to go everywhere together like that. If there were errands to run we'd often split them so things got done in half the time. Or one would run the errands whilst the other did 'chores' during the time they were gone. This often left us free for the rest of the day.

For your parents, tell them that if they have anything to do, they need to set them up for a particular day, not spread them out all during the week. They also need to give you at least 48 hrs advance notice of when that day will be. It's possible, they just won't like it. Also, if they can use public transport, taxi, or uber they need to do that and save your services for emergencies and medical appointments.

You may also want to declare one day a week a 'no drive day'. Let DH, your parents, and the kids know that on X day that week you will NOT be getting behind the wheel. So for example on Sunday morning you say "I will not be driving anywhere on Tuesday. Make your plans accordingly". Then stick to it.

LikeNoYeah · 31/12/2025 16:01

Definitely start saying no.

I’m happy to do things for my parents and to a large extent teens, but I’m not a servant or a taxi service. Sounds like your kids also have a present father, so you aren’t solely responsible for their care.

Yesterday I told my family I was going for a walk, then to a cafe to read and would be gone most of the day and not available. Switched my phone to silent and only checked it a couple of times. I’m doing the same in a few days time, but taking myself for a swim, massage and manicure.

I also have a time every morning where I do yoga and meditate - family told not to disturb.

Extinguish the martyr in you. Just tell them what you’re doing. Then do it.

MissDoubleU · 31/12/2025 16:02

Whenisitmyturn29384 · 31/12/2025 15:29

We live semi rural. There is no direct bus route to anywhere. There is a group of about 20 lads so we parents do take it in turns to car share/give lifts etc. Just had to do it now. Had just got home, was about to take my first sip of my coffee. Son rings, can I go and fetch him with 3 other lads too. They are waiting now. Now they are getting freshened up then want a lift to the next place. Its never ending!!!
Husband just thinks he can dictate out time. We've been in each other's company too long over this break which isnt helping. He never goes anywhere without me . Drives me mad . His car has broken down at the moment so we only have the use of mine.

Can DH not drive your car??

Pineapplewaves · 31/12/2025 16:03

Put your foot down and say no. Tell them that for the remainder of the holidays you are putting your feet up and doing nothing. Your DH can entertain DC, take them out with him and give lifts. DC can get the bus, walk or get a lift from a friend.

BuildbyNumbere · 31/12/2025 16:05

Say no.
Why are you allowing your husband to dictate to you what you are doing anyway?!!

Parker231 · 31/12/2025 16:06

Whenisitmyturn29384 · 31/12/2025 15:29

We live semi rural. There is no direct bus route to anywhere. There is a group of about 20 lads so we parents do take it in turns to car share/give lifts etc. Just had to do it now. Had just got home, was about to take my first sip of my coffee. Son rings, can I go and fetch him with 3 other lads too. They are waiting now. Now they are getting freshened up then want a lift to the next place. Its never ending!!!
Husband just thinks he can dictate out time. We've been in each other's company too long over this break which isnt helping. He never goes anywhere without me . Drives me mad . His car has broken down at the moment so we only have the use of mine.

Just because your DS has rang for a lift home, he needs to understand the time not be convenient and he may have to wait or make his own way home by public transport or bike