Husband has secret account on Reddit.

[Ilovepasta23]

Married to DH for 12 years, 2 children 16 &10. Very happy marriage, or so I thought until this morning. Randomly came across his Reddit account that he has had for 4 years and read lots of comments he has made on other peoples naked posts. A few 'dm me' posts also. He has admitted it all now its been deleted and is currently staying over at a friend's house. Oh, also sent a few dick pics. Is this enough to leave him? Or should I fight to save my marriage?

You sound like you could take or leave it op.

In your place, I would leave it. If you don't have the energy to undertake the kind of work and effort required to keep this marriage on life support, I would just end it now.

There is a lack of emotion or sadness in your posts. Are you in shock? Or do you not really care? I think this might be steering the replies op.

Having been through this (and putting up with it for 15+ years) I wish I had left when I found the first sordid evidence my ex was like this. I bet this is the tip of the iceberg. Can you do some digging?

Definitely in shock! My worst trait is down playing stuff for fear of upsetting people. Trust me, I am very very sad about this.

Could you afford to do marriage counselling before you make any decisions on next steps?
I would be wanting total honesty from him about why he was compelled to do this and why that compulsion would no longer be there if you have him back.
You need much more than apologies you need to dig deep and see what you need to feel loved, secure and happy and I suppose so does he.

@Ilovepasta23 obviously he wasn’t 100% happy otherwise he wouldn’t be sending inappropriate pictures to other women. I mean why on earth are men even doing this? I suppose if they asked for pics it’s not as bad as unwanted ones.

He’s only deleted it & stopped sending messages because you found out.

I wasn’t aware that Reddit had sexual content. I thought it was just people chatting about current affairs.

I think it will happen again in the future in some way or another. So it depends if you are OK with that. Can you afford to pay bills?

He said I can have access to his phone now, something I didnt have before. But he would of deleted anything dodgy by now wouldn't he?

Maybe I’m being a bit thick here but why is he asking you to tell him what to do ? Surely, he should be telling you what he will do in the future.

Never access stupid social media sites but spend his time making your life better; interacting with you, going out together, spending time at home together, cooking together, snuggling up together, whatever….. Why is he so useless he doesn’t know what to do?

38 is no age to start over…. Best wishes for whatever you decide to do.

Honestly, just take some time. Give yourself a chance to process your emotions as I’m sure there are a lot of them.

Once the shock and anger has worn off, and the pain has dulled, think about what you would regret more. Giving him a chance for him to fuck it up again? Or never giving him a chance?

If he fights like hell for you and tries to learn why he did what he did and take active steps to change that, then that’s one thing. If he doesn’t, then you know it’s not going to be saved. Checking his phone isn’t going to help, it’s him who needs to address his behaviour as an individual before he tries to come back to your relationship (if that’s what you do decide). If you want to leave, leave.

He said he will do anything i need him to do.

And there it is, he wants you to do the emotional work of coming up with a solution to a problem he created, but once you tell him what you need he will resent you for "punishing" him and drag his feet every step of the way.

Where is his initiative, where is his coming to you to make amends and tell you he is sorry for disrespecting you and the life and family you built together? Do you think he's losing sleep in his mate's spare room or is he sitting tight until you calm down and it all blows over. Think carefully if you want this for the rest of your life, you deserve better.

I would suggest couples counselling if you can afford it. It would be a good place to talk out feelings and help with whatever you choose to do.

You don’t need to decide what it is that you want him to do.
HE needs to decide how he is going to repair the trust in your marriage that HE has broken.
Don’t get sucked into giving him the answers to a problem he created.
You’re in shock. You’re entitled to take all the time you need to decide whether you want to stay with him. He’s entitled to jack-shit.

I love Reddit. There's something for everyone there - you have communities for everything you can imagine (knitting! weight loss injection side effects! dungeons and dragons! parenting children with specific disabilities!). Going on Reddit is not in and of itself a red flag.

@Ilovepasta23 surely you'd ask him why he did it before making any decisions?

What’s the point of counselling with him - OP will hear all the shit stories (you weren’t interested since kids or I’m stressed/depressed, it meant nothing/I’m addicted).
Why would it be good if he said I’m addicted to sending pictures of my penis to photographs of women on Reddit?
When he’s 70 and starting to need help with medication or something are you - OP - going to think I’m so glad I stayed with him despite his kissing other people and sending penis images or will it have all faded back to the happiness it could have been if he hadn’t done it but comes up with the right excuse in therapy?
I would be done with this guy.

Giving you access to his phone doesn't seem worth much. He has already behaved badly. I'm not sure I would want the role of policing his future activity. Does he get a pat on the back for every week he doesn't send someone a dick pic.

I use reddit daily and don't access anytjing like this. It all depends what you want to follow like any other SM. I follow F1, strictly, food based stuff, the city I live in etc. Lots of niche stuff there for peoples interests. This man is one example of millions of people who use reddit for all sorts of things. I wouldn't worry honestly.

As for the OP, sorry he has been keeping this from you, it's not ok but if anyone should be fighting it's him.

I lived this life, and it didn't end at simply deleting stuff. But everyone is different. You need to communicate with each other, discuss in depth why this has happened, what his thoughts were then and now. He needs to be very honest. Only then will you know for sure.

They can search naked or something posts I have a male friend who does it although he is single

Op what your husband has done is unforgivable I wouldn't entertain him

It sounds like bes always been this way and always will be. At 17 you've never learnt better.

I think you'd be better off fighting to be single and to find out how much of a better life is out there without him.

I also don't think any woman has ever wanted to receive a dick pic. So that's an extra level of gross.

He's telling you what you want to hear now but you've heard it all before and he didn't change and the act will wear off. Hang in there and within a week, when him and his mates and family are fednup of his sofa surfing, and you'll see the nasty side. The guilt tripping, anger, pressure from his family ridiculing you for being OTT over a little indiscretion.

Do yourself a favour and save the next 20 years of your life.

And he already knew what he needed to do - be faithful - it was just worth the risk and fallout to go behind your back anyway.

He has shown how little respect he has for you. I know it’s a massive thing breaking up a family when there are young children involved but I’m not sure I could move past it. (And this is 100% on him, not you if you choose he should leave). What would have happened if someone on there showed an interest in meeting him in person? I don’t think I would ever trust him again in your shoes and that is no way to live. Sorry this is happening to you.

This. You're still young, don't waste any more of your precious years on these excuses. You deserve so much better.

Nope. You'll always be wondering. You know it's not a one-off and he'll be admitting to the bare minimum. He's going to pull similar shit in future.

He already has form and yet he continues.

Can you bear to look at him? Do you back away when he’s near you? Do you scowl when he talks as though it never happened?

I couldn’t forgive him, this is who he is, the sleazy prick.