I dread phone calls with my deep thinking daughter

[Isthatmyleopard]

My daughter is in her mid-20s and an incredibly deep thinker, she studied philosophy, religion and ethics and a MA in philosophy, she is considering a PhD. She was baptised/first communion as a child but we've had little engagement with the church lately, she however has returned, goes to mass often but not weekly. She is incredible, and I am very proud of her, but she never seems to be able to approach a topic lightly. It makes me dread phone calls as seemingly the most basic conversation can be turned into philosophy, theology or sociology. She isn't forcing a belief on me at all more so she is inquisitive, the adult version of a toddler who can't stop asking why and loves to play devils advocate, or have deep conversations about a totally abstract topic. In particular she loves to discuss how different philosophical schools of thought intertwine or compete with religion, the theology of various Christian denominations and the roots of breakaway churches/schisms. I often ask for a lighter phone call just about her life as she has friends and is social and sporty, but after a brief overview it always goes into ... and we spoke about this, followed by her asking questions on my thoughts on the topic. Even discussions about books go far deeper than I can handle. She also does it with sport, we both enjoy tennis but I can never just comment on a match without it turning into a conversation on the sociology of women in sports, the psychology of competition etc.
All that's to say I find it exhausting, if she were just sharing her thoughts I wouldn't mind so much, but it often comes with lots of questions such as what are your thoughts? Why do you think that?

Today we met for lunch and she told me it makes her sad I don't show the same interest in her interests as I do her brothers or call her as often, I explained why and that her brothers are more content with small talk so I find calling them requires less mental energy, she apologised and said she doesn't know how to turn off the deep thinking. She has a long term boyfriend who seems to be interested in the intellectual sparring so I'm not sure why she is so keen to get it from me.

AIBU to find this exhausting? How do I handle it before it damages our relationship?

I’m like this as well. It’s something I try to keep a lid on. In my case, it comes from reading too much and socialising too little. Also, though I can make people laugh, and am good at it (like a lot of people I developed the skill to avert bullying), I can’t do light, joyful, upbeat chatter. My ‘nature’ or ‘temperament’ is introverted, low energy and melancholic. We are what we are. It’s just your daughter’s character.

She sounds great tbh. I do understand how you feel, but be grateful your child is interested in the world. So many people seem to take no interest in anything except money and status and keeping up with their neighbours. Some aren’t even interested in that. And the people who are bored/disengaged from the world tend to be the ones who end up either depressed or addicted to a substance. Anything to numb the boredom. I wish more people were like your daughter. I yearn for a friend I can talk philosophy and religion with.

I am like your daughter and my daughter is like you! I find small talk boring and exhausting whereas I feel energised by deep conversations, especially about psychology and literature. My daughter is 19, and trying to get her into deep conversations is like pulling teeth! So I have talked to her about it, how I know my style of conversation doesn’t suit everyone, etc.

The only thing you can do is speak to
your daughter, explain how you find philosophical conversations hard going, and that you are different personalities, that’s all, how your different conversational style is no reflection of a lack of love for her, that it’s not a rejection.

Just try "Sorry, love, but I can't talk about this like you want me to, I would much prefer to chat about how things are with you"...
My husband just tells me "No lectures, please"!

I'm loving this post ❤️

She is not a very deep thinker if she takes religion and theology seriously.

Get over yourself!!

Allow me my luxuries and vanities!

It is not solely a matter of seeing though, is it? I would say it is also a matter of being and OPs DD is being herself.

Oh yes, there is so much between the great philosophies of life and light chit chat. I say, A to Z and everything in between. Me, arrogant, never!

Now, getting on to the highly interesting topic of the vegan Yorkshire pudding making biochemist, I wish them the best of fortunes in their endeavour. Will the idea become more than a deep conversation topic? Watch this space!

Now if OPs DD called her DM to discuss the merits and meanings of such a project, then I think OP should show much enthusiasm, gird her loins and fully engage, every time. I would!

The moon is wonderfully clear tonight also. I live remotely, no light pollution. We had a hard frost this morning, beautiful! Correlation with the passage of the moon. Frost is settling now but I don’t think it will be as hard as this mornings frost. I opened the curtains this morning, beautiful, blanket of whiteness across the fields.

Anyway, Happy New year to all MNetters, families and friends!

Oh ive a friend like this.
She's a very deep thinker, into all the mindfulness stuff, the life coaching stuff, very serious sort of person.
Its impossible just have a superficial, light hearted chit chat about did you see xyz on the tv, or how im a bit fed up because ive not gone out for a walk because of the weather etc. she will just try to see it as a problem that i "should" be working to fix.
Her other friends are like her, they have weekends away "coaching group" and she comes home having shed many tears and she says its wonderful.
She's very keen to fix me, and im very happy in my slightly dull rut in life with the telly, lots of friends and no mental baggage

Apologies. I linked to the gluten free ones I buy.

https://v-spot.co.uk/product/plantside-vegan-yorkshire-puddings-6-pack/?srsltid=AfmBOorZj1JoNP9HU-kajCngV97zh5W8HT636GR2_DfMNgVlAaZQVKJ4PKU

Thank you! Looking at the list of ingredients, no wonder I couldn't make them at home. I think it really does need a biochemist.

You're not into it so it's too much for you. I would absolutely love speaking to her at length, this is my thing. I would have so much to tell her that would hopefully blow her mind about the church and it's ancient history and the truth of the Mass of the ages. Would you be up for passing on that I'd love to chat to her? I'm a woman by the way.

She could do a PhD either way - but there are no jobs in academia right now so having an alternative career path is a good thing

This is the most inappropriate post I’ve seen on this forum.

I think intelligent people who can make different subjects really accessible and make anyone feel comfortable in company are really interesting.
So long as they have a sense of humour and aren’t pompous I love to have a conversation with them .
I myself have deeper conversations with some of my friends , usually about family and relationships.
Also chatting about food , pets and travel , I really like that

OP I would find that exhausting and, like PP, would wonder if your DD is ND

Great reply.

@WorkItUpYourBangle

As if!

Ha I am your daughter! My mother always says im draining her and ok bye lol

Basically I do not see myself as the most important person in a conversation, as some of the other deep thinkers on this thread seem to.

That's definitely not how you're coming across in this conversation. You seem to very much see yourself as the wisest and most super person here.

@Hmm1234 At least you’re honest about your feelings towards her.

I am always suspicious when people say they 'hate small talk'.

I have a philosophy degree and love a debate as much as anyone - I also work in a political job so really do love deep chat. BUT - I love small talk!

'small' is not what this basic chat is - it's how you connect with people.

I've spent years picking my kids up from the school gates and always loved those little run ins/ banter and chat with other parents - often parents with very different backgrounds to my own.

I love talking about how someones morning was/ how their kid is doing at school/ what they think of a new local policy or park equipment!

I think if you don't find other people interesting at this level, I really doubt your 'big talk' is that great.

If the conversation doesn't progress from the small talk to something funny, interesting or deep then I'm gonna be standing there regretting I ever engaged in talking to that person. I would rather tear my eyelids off than have a dry, humourless talk about policy and playparks tbh.

I do find it impressive when someone unabashedly talks at length about the inane, I don't know where they get the stamina from

Meh I’d ride it out and just give her non commitsl answers/ change the subject. If she has kids in the future she’ll probably be forced to get more grounded