Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

[guineaguineaguineapig]

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

I would take this approach. Really direct and non-judgmental, not really giving her a choice, asking how to make it easier for her.

I am neurodivergent and I don’t like showering because I find it really, really boring. I hate any kind of routine chore. What, you need washing AGAIN? I just did you yesterday… I feel this way about all acts of personal care. Teeth that need brushing twice a day particularly infuriate me - plus I hate the feeling and concept of toothbrushes. I didn’t ask for hair why is it so needy goddamnit?

I do skip my shower occasionally but by and large, I shower every day because I live with other people. I make it less deathly dull by ironically doing it more thoroughly. I dry brush before every shower, then scrub with an African net sponge and antibacterial soap, then use a luxury shower oil and shave everywhere, followed by body lotion. I am arguably cleaner than people that actually like showers. But if I have a period of poor mental health, the hygiene will be the first to go.

Find what will make it better for her - temperature, products, smells, novelty, whatever - and see if you can help her get into a groove.

I don't know the answer but dread to think what their bedding smells like 🤔

I would just sit her down and tell her and suggest what she should do to remedy the situation. I'd start of by saying I need to have a difficult conversation ... for me and for her, but I need to have it nevertheless...

I will never understand how you can have sex with someone who stinks… I mean surely the smell is gonna kill of any sexual arousal you may feel and give you a major case of the ick??

I've scanned through this, lots of focus on neuro-diversity which could be relevant but I have a different take.
This is a young woman who is not working and having to live with a boyfriends family instead of her own, due to a difficult past. So the not showering to me jumped out as depression/mental health. It's quite a textbook sign.

I would probably just sit down with her and start the conversation by asking how she's feeling mentally and from there say the reason you're asking is because you've noticed she's not showering, and then mention anything else alongside this which could also indicate she's not happy (for example does she struggle to get up in the mornings?) If you drop it in like that youre sending the message it's not normal not to shower but from a place of concern.

The second sentence of my post’s the important one. Many posters have suggested ways to tackle the issue in a constructive and adult way, rather than dictating what you “expect” from her.

My experiences with autism are quite vast and varied, due to many people close to me including ex DP, stepdaughter, business partner and someone who works for me having it, on top of working with adults with ND as a main part of my current job and previous jobs.

I can often spot it straight away, even on the phone, or across the room with people I haven't yet spoken to. Sensory issues are a BIG thing. NT people can struggle with the changes of temperature and environment of going from warm and dry to cold and wet of course, but to those with ASD it can be torturous. I am not saying that all people with ASD are 'smelly and unkempt' of course but I am saying that some are, and for those who are, it is because of issues like this largely. It can be made worse then by being bullied/ostracised at school for 'not fitting in' 'not being normal' etc etc and sensory issues amplify in unhappy children. Add in a not-great upbringing and it makes sense why ASD people would struggle with hygiene.

I wrote about this on another thread but recently I have met two people with ASD in a social setting. Both of them smelt unfortunately, one of just 'dirty body', likely it simply didn't occur to him that it is kind of a 'rule' that we wash and wear clean clothes before we go out for the day to a social event, and BO, the other one had clearly not washed his clothes properly despite having a smart appearance-perhaps a result of, as others have said, not quite picking up how to wash clothes properly and nobody had told him.

I think a lot of people don't understand how easy it is to become noseblind. I have a very sensitive nose. I went to a client of mine's house recently-bathroom smelt of urine-he hadn't noticed (also ASD).

My stepdaughter absolutely reeked at times and didn't realise it wasn't the 'normal' way to smell.

Unfortunately, affecting others with your smell and bad hygiene is non-negotiable.

My business partner comes over for nights/days out often and he arrives with the clothes on his back and a toothbrush and that's it. He is luckily one of those people who doesn't sweat a lot and I've never notice him smell.

Ex DP was the opposite, very fastidious about hygiene, some would say to the extreme-sensory issues were very much present but focused in other areas (certain textures and clothing and foods).

I think clear instructions like the ones outlined for a PP's parent's foster children, are your best bet here OP.

Someone has to speak to her. If he won't then you should.

We had a lodger who had this issue. We couldn't understand why it was so bad as he did shower, even though only once a week. But he never washed his clothes. So he basically wore dirty, smelly clothes constantly while washing once a week max. The house smelt awful!
One night my now DH decided to tackle the issue. They had a few drinks and then he just told him outright. The guy seemingly had no idea. After that the situation improved (though he wasn't great at emptying his washing from the machine!)

As horrible as it is, your choices are bite the bullet and say something, or continue living with her BO smell. Sometimes you have to put yourself in uncomfortable situations, and be cruel to be kind.

We are a neurodivergent family, and I work in the adult memtal health sector.

I agree with PP about asking about her history of bathing ect. Then go from there.

One of my DC has always despised showers and rain. So he mostly has a bath or we taught him to take the shower head off if possible, wet himself put the shower head down. Wash himself and then rinse. If the shower head is fixed he just sort of flings himself in and out as best as he can manage to get wet or rinsed.

My DH and some of of pur DC are warmer blooded and will sweat more. So we trialed various products to help manage the odour. The fave product is perspi-guard as they have a large range of various products. They also offer a anti perspiration (in different forms like spray and roll on) that lasts more than 1 day.

My DD has always struggled with us helping her/teaching her about personal care and as she has gotten older I have found sharing videos (particulary tik tok) has been very helpful. I framed it as have you seen these where xyz are sharing these awesome things to make you clean yourself properly or smell like vanilla ect. This has really helped my DD although now it costs a small fortune.

If showering is just way too much at the moment there are products avaliable to help suck as no rinse hair caps and specific wipes for cleaning.

It’s possible she has sensitive skin and your laundry soap irritates her skin, and/or she’s fed up with the irritation that comes with trying new cleaning products. This in addition to some neurodivergent sensory issues may be at the root of her problems. Some very gentle questions in this area might help address the problem. Maybe address it as a concern for her health/cleanliness/skin issues and not overtly saying she smells bad. This is very awkward though!

I think this is a really helpful post - both in terms of understanding it, and in terms of how to go about approaching a resolution.

Neurodiverse or not, somewhere along the line she has missed out on the development of life skills and hygiene. Abuse or not she clearly needs support to come to grips with it for the following reasons:

Conforming to accepted norms
Getting and holding down a job
Navihating health services, particularly if she wants children in the future.

I think you need to be direct. "I have noticed that you smell and want to help you before other people bring it up".
Daily washing is essential: showering, bathing or a strip wash.
Hair needs washing befire it gets greasy: every day, every other, every third, whatever is necessary
Clean clothes are essential - I am going to wash all your clothes and thereafter: clean socks, pants and top daily, bra every other day, trousers after three or four wears.I will help you with your washing until you get the hang of it.
Teeth: morning and night.
Bedding: fortnightly minimum

Somewhere along the line, this lass hasn't been properly parented. She needs to know and to be given the tools to resolve it. What do you know of her background. Where are her own parents.

If she's neurodiverse, there will be a way to deal with it and to help her conform.

Also I am sorry but 'disco minge'!! Didn't someone call their record/album that some years ago?

While people are pearl clutching at the references to sex etc I'll join in.

A friend of mine used to joke about sex with 'grotty' women. He likened it to eating a pork pie 'Got to get through the crust and jelly to get to the good bit'.

I have noticed that you smell

Well that's direct alright!

Could she not try something like "I have noticed your laundry and bathroom routine is irregular and wondered if you would feel more comfortable if we had a routine so you knew it was a convenient time for you to use the facilities."

I'm not sure I even understand that analogy ...

Thanks so much for your helpful contribution to the thread, all you weirdos with your sex ‘jokes’

Agree with all those saying you need to take this in hand OP and one thing to add is that you might also provide bar soap and an anti bac one like Dettol - shower gel alone isn't enough sometimes on smelly teens to keep BO away. My DS15 uses the Dettol soap.

Clearly, by any standards you like, your first sentence cannot apply when the body in Q is a guest in someone else’s home.

Your way sounds kinder but the poor girl has got to 23 and presumably has not cottoned onto nuance thus far, particularly if she is neurodivergent.

"I have noticed and want to bring it up before others do" keeps it as between the op and her son's gf rather than, "I need to do something about this because other people have mentioned it".

My #1 rule, whether loud or soft, is never to engage with a troll on social media.

Well that’s ruined my crisps & dip enjoyment this evening.

The pork pie reference is quite a good one, paints a picture.

Surely the OPs son and this girl aren’t having sex. Surely. 😰

Yes, you are right.

I havent read all the answers here and this might have been mentioned but I’d tread carefully and think of the possible trauma she may have experienced either directly related to bathing or as a result of neglect or treatment by others by being smelly. Of course may not be but air on side of caution- she could also if autistic experience an element of demand stress, the more that demands or expectation is placed on her the more her nervous system resists- not intentional, unconsciously.
increasing a sense of safety will assist and should be the aim.. she feels safe to shower, safe to share maybe what would help her etc

if I were you I would broach the subject with the I notice and I wonder approach .. hi x I have noticed that you don’t use the shower or bath here a lot, that’s entirely your choice. I’d love for you to feel safe and happy to bathe here often as this is your home, I wonder if there’s anything I could do for you , buy your favourite soaps , towels etc etc. To help you? I’d be more than happy to as I was you to feel happy and comfortable here.

if she is experiencing demand stress then going in an placing demands and pressure may have the opposite effect and increase a lot of shame so id start gentle then depending on her response you could add in a little about personal hygiene etc etc . good luck!

Maybe she feels like a bit of a burden doesn’t want to use your hot water ect … 😬🤷‍♀️ maybe just talk to her say you’re not trying to be rude or insensitive but she's an adult now and hygiene is essential both herself and her clothes especially for your immune system too and fighting off them germs . I really hope you find a solution

OP, you sound like a kind, caring and understanding person. Good on you for taking your son's girlfriend in and welcoming her to your home. You haven't said how old your daughter is, maybe she could spend some time with her and they could become friends, discussing clothes, make up, perfume etc., girly things. My heart bleeds for this girl if she has had a miserable home life, just as it does for Chickencuddle, they have been failed miserably by their parents, I hope they are leading a happy life despite them. Your son's girlfriend may not understand the workings of the shower and washing machine, especially if neither were encouraged at home. I have no experience of autism/ND, as you have experience with your son, hopefully you will know how to speak to his girlfriend with a kind, gentle manner and with tact, so as not to upset her. We've just had Christmas, maybe you bought her some nice toiletries, the sales are on, maybe take her on a shopping trip with your daughter and treat her to some comfortable, casual clothes, including a pack of knickers, so she always has plenty of clean ones to wear. It's sad that personal hygiene and a wish to keep herself looking and smelling her best doesn't come naturally to her, but if it hasn't been part of her growing up into a young lady, then you are going to have to be her mum, so to speak, and kindly show her the way. Good luck, you sound like you know how to deal with the situation in a loving way ❤️