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AIBU?

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Original poster

Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

619 replies

guineaguineaguineapig · 29/12/2025 18:03

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

OP posts:
MusselTryHarder · 29/12/2025 21:33

If she doesn’t like the feeling of water from a shower or bath, maybe she would be ok with a daily wash of pits and bits in the sink with a cloth. There could be a sensory issue but there are still ways of avoiding being smelly without bathing. Similarly using unperfumed deodorant may be preferable.

She may need you to be really clear and explicit in what is needed in terms of washing clothes regularly and wearing deodorant daily, because what seems like an obvious hint to you might be too subtle. And hints could be misconstrued anyway. Obviously delivered with kindness and empathy!

jen337 · 29/12/2025 21:34

Millytante · 29/12/2025 21:19

Clearly, by any standards you like, your first sentence cannot apply when the body in Q is a guest in someone else’s home.

Show quote history

My point, if apparently misunderstood (or poorly made) is that both slogans, but particularly the my house… diktat, are going to be unhelpful in solving this problem. To reiterate, many good, constructive and considerate approaches have been suggested upthread. The quite angry reaction to my “my body…” post perhaps gives an indication of how someone might feel if confronted with the equally dogmatic “my house…”.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 29/12/2025 21:36

Don't drop hints or come out with stories about needing to fill up a load. Be direct, and be honest. It's so much kinder, even if you both are embarrassed to be having that conversation.

It's your house and her MH/medical conditions aren't your bedfellows. She needs to manage them herself. I can't believe the amount of tiptoeing around that's been suggested here. She stinks and it needs to change.

Millytante · 29/12/2025 21:40

Calliopespa · 29/12/2025 21:17

I'm not sure I even understand that analogy ...

Show quote history

I think fans of Irvine Welsh have broken in here.

liamharha · 29/12/2025 21:42

guineaguineaguineapig · 29/12/2025 18:03

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

As the mother of sometimes grotty teen boys you just have to be cruel to be kind.
I'd sooner wear it from a caring person than a cruel person and It.really.needs to come from your son perhaps with some guidance about tact from yourself xx

localnotail · 29/12/2025 21:43

OP, think you need to speak to her yourself. You need to be very kind and sensitive, but tell her she needs to wash every day because she smells, She might not be aware of it herself, and obviously her parents did not teach her to take care of these things. Its hard, but someone needs to do it!

Cherrytree86 · 29/12/2025 21:48

Millytante · 29/12/2025 21:40

I think fans of Irvine Welsh have broken in here.

Show quote history

@Millytante

Maybe it IS like eating a pork pie though…

lets face it, most people are think ewww and that surely there’s not gonna be physical intimacy between two people if one of them stinks.

RosesAndHellebores · 29/12/2025 21:49

Just to note that if she has sensitive skin, please buy Persil non-bio for the laundry and no fabric softener. Eczema prone dh here. I bought supermarket non-bio once. It was not pretty.

Starblind19 · 29/12/2025 21:49

Can you say something like: " hi x I have noticed that since you moved in you haven't been showering and using the washing machine as much as I thought and I really don't want you feeling uncomfortable in our home as your more than welcome has son taught you how to put a cycle on. I know there's nothing more awkward than trying to use other people's washing machines and slotting in to showering schedules so how about you take your shower every day at a certain time that's convenient for you and we will avoid the bathroom is there a time thar works best? And every other day I'll leave a basket for you outside your room so that you can use the washing machine without worrying about our stuff being in there. Please don't feel awkward I can help you out with toiletries/washing powder its not an issue at all.

Starblind19 · 29/12/2025 21:49

Can you say something like: " hi x I have noticed that since you moved in you haven't been showering and using the washing machine as much as I thought and I really don't want you feeling uncomfortable in our home as your more than welcome has son taught you how to put a cycle on. I know there's nothing more awkward than trying to use other people's washing machines and slotting in to showering schedules so how about you take your shower every day at a certain time that's convenient for you and we will avoid the bathroom is there a time thar works best? And every other day I'll leave a basket for you outside your room so that you can use the washing machine without worrying about our stuff being in there. Please don't feel awkward I can help you out with toiletries/washing powder its not an issue at all.

Perrylobster · 29/12/2025 21:50

Irotoyu · 29/12/2025 20:20

Disagree. The word disabled has become so diluted it's now meaningless. Said as an autistic person btw.

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Autism legally qualifies as a disability under UK law (Equality Act 2010)

TheSunRisesInTheEast · 29/12/2025 21:52

It's being said on here that autistic/ND people don't like the feeling of water on them, so what would actually happen to them in a shower/bath/swimming pool? Would they just feel agitated or worse than that? It must be very difficult for them and their parents to deal with. Hair washing must be a challenge

Yope · 29/12/2025 21:56

I can guarantee you she 100% has autism.
I don't think being subtle is going to work here.
You need to be frank with her.

Homilypie · 29/12/2025 21:58

averychoc · 29/12/2025 18:16

I was like this as a teen who ended up living with a freinds family. My own upbringing never taught me to wash or wash my clothes with any sense of regularity. I’m embarrassed now of how I was back then but I really didn’t understand. I learned by them modelling their own good habits though, everyone had a daily shower and at some point I picked up that was what people were supposed to do. I was shy and couldn’t have just used the washing machine alone even if I wanted to (I’m autistic) but the mum picked up on this and made a ‘rota’ for the machine so we all had time slots - very rich like Monday am and Thursday pm type thing. So they all got on with it and I just fell in to the routine over time. I can never be more grateful to them for taking me in and gently teaching me without pointing anything out. I was in my 40s before I realised just how well they handled it and how much they did for me.

I could have posted this exact thing even down to the best friends family taking me in and showing me how to live like most people do or expect you to do. Now that I shower daily and always wear fresh clothes and underwear, deodorant etc I can smell myself if I’ve left it too long (due to depression episodes)

I never could when I was younger because it was just the norm and I was so used to it. I dread to think what people thought of me back then. Strangely though when I had my first child I knew it was a necessity to do for your kids and loved bathing him and did so every other day (tried daily but he had very dry and sensitive skin, eczema etc)

Hes in his 20s now and showers daily even though is autistic himself. It’s become a ritual/routine that he can’t go without. Fwiw my mum was late diagnosed herself in her 60s and probably didn’t know any better either.

FestiveFruitloop · 29/12/2025 21:59

babasaclover · 29/12/2025 18:29

Disco minge 🤮 how does he go near that

Are you Jay from The Inbetweeners?

TimeToBanLobbying · 29/12/2025 22:07

DaughterOfPearl · 29/12/2025 18:18

Your house, your rules OP.

Sod asking your son to have a word. Sit her down privately and tell her you expect her to shower/wash daily and clothes be washed every couple of wears (or whatever your personal preferences are).

I wouldn't recommend this - if she is autistic it could be deeply upsetting.

OP may be able to reach out to the girlfriend's mother if she is local for some guidance.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 29/12/2025 22:11

My ex would clean himself up while he was single and looking for a partner, then as soon as he was comfortable he would stop washing so he knew about hygiene etiquette but just chose not to follow it. Was she always like this or does she just feel like she doesn't need to try now she has her feet under the table? Personally I think there is little you can do to help someone like that, they need to want to change for themselves and if they are happy being stinky then they won't change.

I would remind your son that he can leave a relationship for any reason and that physical attraction is very important. I really struggled to break up with my stinky boyfriend because it seemed like such a shallow reason (I am also ND) but I had long stopped sleeping with him because he disgusted me so much.

SearchingFirst · 29/12/2025 22:12

MookieCat · 29/12/2025 19:56

I think you have to treat them like young children at this point. Not in a cruel way, but in an instructing way. I had an upbringing that bordered on the neglectful in terms of personal hygiene, and although i showered every day, I was never taught about how to clean my clothes or bedclothes. I was also not taught about proper hair washing. I had to learn and tbh only learned as an adult when living with other people.

With my teens I still am very descriptive about how they keep themselves clean. They have to have a shower daily, if they are out in the world at school. I am prepared to let a shower on Sundays go. They have their bedclothes washed weekly. I am happy for them to wear the same clothes 2 days in a row, but then there is a wash.

It truly sounds like this girl has never been taught about personal hygiene, nor why it matters. So she has to be taught. It can be simple as saying 'Right, on Tuesdays your bedclothes are going in the wash, ours will be on Thursdays'. It can be saying 'I am using the washing machine today, before noon. Collect your c,othes and pout them in at 3 pm'. It could be drawing up a bathroom and shower usage agreement. People would not be concerned about saying 'Here is a cooking schedule' so put up a washing schedule.

I was thinking the same about a timetable/schedule.

Could you sit together as a family and work out what is expected and when? Very clear rota for each person.

Keep the timetable up on display centrally, as well as a copy each, perhaps in rooms. Everyone following. Model forgetting ‘DS have you washed your clothes today’. Model positive praise ‘fabulous, your bed is so clean’ and tick it off the schedule as achieved.

Using the schedule, you could ask if she/anyone needs any help with….(products, how to work the machine/shower). Building knowledge.

Keep it collective. There is accountability built into the ‘team’ approach, without singling out this girl.

Perhaps a quiet word from you too, checking in, especially with some positivity. ‘Well done, I noticed how fresh your cardigan is’ - specific comments and praise.
Easier then to occasionally say ‘have we run out of washing capsules, I can see your cardigan could do with a wash’.

Trallala · 29/12/2025 22:13

I know Tiktok is not the obvious source of help but something I've noticed on there are lots of very kind and sensitive videos about personal hygiene for people who've never been taught about it, and they always have lots of appreciative comments from people who grew up in care, or other challenging situations who never knew how they ought to be looking after themselves.
I don't know how you could get her to watch some of these (and more importantly, see the vast numbers of people who are in the same boat) but perhaps you or your DS could use these in some way?

I wonder if seeing young women her own age having similar experiences might be gentler for her?

They often use hashtags like #hygieneroutine #showerroutine or #femininehygiene

researchers3 · 29/12/2025 22:15

MrsDoylesDoily · 29/12/2025 18:14

There was a man on a forum I used to post on years ago who ended up dating two women from the same forum (not at the same time!)

They both finished with him because he had a fetish about smelly, unwashed women and used to get sexually excited by BO and other smells.

Do you think it could be something like that?

No. I bet my house not.

She's a woman, it's almost always men who want to act out grim things like this.

Dweetfidilove · 29/12/2025 22:20

I read these threads sometimes and wish my daughter doesn't have a boyfriend until she's in her own home, as I couldn't live with this at all.
I know many reasons have been given for why this may occur, but I just cannot wrap my head around living in this environment. I'd sooner do two extra jobs to help them get set up in their own place.
I hope on all things holy, because I'm not ready for these challenges... Sorry I have no advice OP, just musings.

Noras · 29/12/2025 22:24

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 29/12/2025 19:22

What for?

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It will encourage showering

Overthegardenfence · 29/12/2025 22:26

Apologies if this has been mentioned but does the bathroom have a lock on it ?

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2025 22:35

guineaguineaguineapig · 29/12/2025 19:01

Thanks. It’s really helpful to hear it from the other perspective. I think I need to put on my big girl pants and talk with her in a sensitive way, using some of the suggestions given. It’s true that hints aren’t working.

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How old is she? At college or is she working?

What is her relationship with her own family?

Do strong perfume smells bother her (you say she likes Sanex) so heavily perfumed washing liquids?

Fellontheground · 29/12/2025 22:39

Care packages and gift bundles now? This is ludicrous. Why is the onus on the OP to fork out on toiletries for this soap dodger?

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