Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

[guineaguineaguineapig]

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

If she is possibly autistic then perhaps it's best to lay out the household rules and expectations.
Make a shower / bath rota where she has 3 slots in a week and say that she should wash all her clothes after she's worn them and that you'll help her use the machine during these times.
This way you don't get the conflict of bluntly telling her she stinks and upsetting her but hopefully it will help her understand what's normal.

My parents are foster carers and were throughout my childhood. Whenever an older child / teenager would arrive we would literally have a family discussion in the lounge and go through rules / expectations and how the household ran.... Put your dirty clothes in this laundry basket, clean pants / socks & t-shirt daily. Trousers and jumpers as required etc.
Shopping list on fridge - toiletries to be replaced before empty etc.
Showers / baths each morning or evening. Earliest out the door in first etc. brush teeth after breakfast and before bed.
It seemed bloody ridiculous at the time but now I see that it was because these kids didn't know what was normal and setting it all out first means it's less awkward for everyone.

Some got on with it and others needed nagging but they eventually slotted in.

@guineaguineaguineapig I suggest you look up how to hold difficult conversations, and rehearse how to approach this with your son, and encourage him to do the same so he can talk to his girlfriend.
And whilst it may sting, I’d suggest you proactively take over their laundry, or at least make sure your son takes charge of it.

Sorry if it offended you.

But if you RTFT there are tons of posters talking about the struggle of getting their autistic teens/young adults to wash and that if they don't constantly remind them then they will start to smell.

A quick google will tell you that many ND people struggle with personal hygiene. The reality of that is that they will often appear "smelly and unkempt" to others even though in many cases it can't be helped due to executive functioning issues.

Putain de merde; that bit of xenophobia is so old it can be carbon dated.

Regardless of whether or not she’s neurodiverse, this is your home and I think if you calmly and kindly spoke to her since your son has not, it would be in order.
Tell her how much you have enjoyed her company but that her not bathing or washing her clothes has made the rest of the family very uncomfortable and that you’ve made a schedule up for her showers (or baths) and her laundry. And then show her the charts you’ve made up. Every other day for showers and every three days for laundry - whatever seems reasonable to you. Their bedding as well.
Reassure her that she’s welcome and that you love having her with you. Make cookies or something to make this meetup a little more palatable.
I mean, maybe setting rules might help and maybe she’ll be offended.
Either way, it’s past time you took matters into your own hands.
Good luck. ❤️

And I forgot to mention I am also ND myself but unlike others I accept that hygiene can be an issue for many ND people and that often they will need support with this.

What’s the problem we’re all adults here no need to cosy up the language

Is the GF in agreement with being possibly ND? Is v common to avoid personal hygiene due to sensory & other issues if so. A normalised approach to the topic could open up what it is specifically about it - sensation of water/ bright lights/ water sensitivity or motivational /avoidance aspect - that makes it hard for her to do it? Your DD wld be best placed to do that esp as he cld use his own experiences & sensitivities to things - even if they are different - to normalise it for her. Obvs if she’s resistant to accepting if she might be ND the next step might be encouraging her to get assessed for it - so that she may begin to accept it or at least know that it’s a common but socially an understandable area that she will have to find ways to manage. Not easy OP & if she’s staying with you indefinitely it sounds like a delicate situation to start with. Tricky one.

Amazon has tons of such things for self cleaning in difficult conditions (whether it’s Glastonbury or long term hospital bed rest.)

If you think the packaging wouldn’t be misinterpreted, large wipes and various ‘rinseless’ shampoos for dogs can be much better and far more pleasant than the ones offered for elderly humans.
A brand called Earth Rated has proven to be my favourite, for an elderly incontinent cat who cannot clean herself any more.
Gentle and non-irritating. Very slight natural lavender or basil fragrance, plus unscented. Very inexpensive too. (I bet Muji sell plain containers for wipes)

Her body her rules. Her clothes her rules.
There’s better ways of going about this, than trying to lay down the law to a 23 year old woman.

@stillchasingdereksheppard

That was excellent advice - and I laughed at the “toiletries to be replaced before empty” one because that’s what I’ve always done.
I always have a backup on everything - dish soap, soup - so if I run out I can go to the pantry and grab it and then it goes on the list.
My friend who helps me thinks I’m crazy.
I’m going to screenshot your reply to show her. ❤️

I’d sit her down and explain to her that:

she has somewhere to wash her clothes and you’re happy for her to use the detergent

she has somewhere to shower and toiletries and you’re happy to provide this

it’s important to shower and wear clean clothes so she doesn’t smell and you have noticed a bad smell sometimes.

then ask her if she understands and if she has any questions. Ask her if she’s happy with how often she needs to do these things.

be polite. Don’t make jokes. Acknowledge and apologise if it makes her uncomfortable but you need to say it as you’re living together now.

I had to have a conversation similar with a colleague once, it was very uncomfortable but improved immediately.

That’s trumped by MY HOUSE, MY RULES.

Showering is definitely a sensory issue (both physical and emotional) for my DD she cannot tolerate the feel of the water pouring on her. She does have a bath regularly though. I procrastinate - I want to shower but my ADHD kicks in and I have to force myself (which I do each day - without fail, but often after having to berate myself for being a lazy slob).

I think she might be momentarily ashamed if you bring it up but mostly grateful for the care and attention. I would sit her down and explain to her - very gently - that she has a body odour problem. That you would love to help her (this will be an ongoing social, work issue if not dealt with). Let her know that the smell is unpleasant but that its not her fault and you want to help her to avoid the possible problems outside of the home.

Set a clear expectation - she is to wash, dental hygiene (ask her if she finds the shower uncomfortable and if she does offer a bath) at least every other day. Use decent deodorant - Mitchum is fantastic and wash her clothes at set frequencies. Give her the option of a set time or suggest early morning or late evening for personal hygiene, washing and laundry.

I would get her a care package, with deo, toothpaste, toothbrush, body lotion, slippers, gown and her own towel.

You will have to make it conditional (IF she is ND this can be helpful - responding to rules is what we do well). She needs to look after herself or you will remind her and do this.

Neurodoversity does not equate to exemption from any difficult conversation in life. Far better coming from you in a calm, private and loving way than being publicly shamed.

If she’s ND, she may not get hints. You need to be direct.

I would sit her down, when no one else is in the house, and explain things to her. If no one has actually told her, she won’t have picked it up. Explain that you have to shower and clean every day. If you don’t, you can have body odour and it can affect other people. I’d ask her what she doesn’t like about bathing.

Im ND and hate the feeling of being wet but I hate being dirty. So I actually shower/ bath twice a day. I will put off hair washing for as long as I can though . For some people it’s the wet sensation. Others it might be the towel feeling. Can the door not lock? Does she not have enough clothes or enough of her favourite clothes ?

I would buy a few things :

• Shower Gel
• Flannels or a puff ball
• Deodrant
• shower cap

Go through each stage. You wet your body, you put shower gel on the flannel. Start top to bottom. Then dry once you are out . Put deodorant on. With washing, you need to tell her if you don’t wash clothes often enough, they smell and you have to throw them away as the smell won’t go away.

Its not your job but it sounds like she might be having a hard time. If you can find out what the issue is, you can help. If you have the money, you could take her shopping to get the toiletries and maybe a few spare clothes.

I’d speak to my son again and tell him that other people are noticing and she is a guest in your home and needs to shower daily or at least 3-4 times a week and wash her clothes. Why should you have to put up with such a strong smell in your own home. Or speak to her gently yourself, but someone needs to tell her that there are minimum cleanliness standards she needs to adhere to in society.

It seems to be a thing with that age group. My stepdaughter is always extremely reluctant to wash- we thought it would improve as she got older but she's 16 now. We have to make her take a shower or she won't do it and even then she won't wash properly. If we don't insist she changes her clothes she'll wear the same set for days and sleep in them as well.

She came to visit with a group of her friends in the summer- it was 30+ C and not one of them wanted to shower. In the end I had to say to them that they all had to take showers or the train carriage would have to be evacuated. Even then, one of them point blank refused to wash and went home stinky- in the same outfit she'd been wearing for 3 days.

When I was 16 I spent all my money on fancy bath and body products and was always getting told off for using all the hot water.

I would say you’re doing a big new year clean up of the house try to get a pile of clothes and give them a wash. She may appreciate it, I wonder if she feels like she’s saving you money on the bills not using the machine or the shower? Maybe hand her a nice towel and say here you can have the nice towel a bathrooms free if u fancie a shower.

I’m Autistic- are you too?

Your first sentence, ok, I understand where you're coming from with that, I veer from having that stance to recognising that there are many contributory factors, thats a much longer discussion

Your latter sentence, you are muddling up how particular conditions statistically work - it is not true to say that all ND clients have x, y, z traits. It may be likely to say that x, y, z traits are 90% of the time seen in ND clients.

Chat GPT is good with this sort of thing. It’ll come up with a script you can look at, to tell her.

I have to say, there many people on this thread who are more tolerant than I would be in the same situation. It’s some going for your stench to be so bad that it is obvious even after you’ve left a room. 😣

My sarcasm detector’s inconclusive here, but assuming you’re being serious I can just imagine you squawking that at a nonplussed twenty-something.

Maybe have a new year refresh and say you want to wash all bed linen and clothes so everybody's starting off the new year with all clean stuff. You could give her a gift bundle with shower gel, hair stuff, body lotion, deodorant, a nice body spray and say that's to get you started for the new year so you can have lovely showers/baths and really look after yourself. If things don't improve after that, then it's time to be a bit more head on about it and tell her that you've noticed she doesn't seem to be looking after her hygiene very well and is there anything bothering her at the moment or anything she needs / you can help her with. You could ask directly has anybody ever told her what she needs to do to have good hygiene.

A pp mentioned does she have enough clothes?

Lol. She is living for free in SOMEONE ELSES HOUSE!!

Yes her body her rules to stink the place out when its hers alone. She is sharing with people so she needs to respect them.

Your son may not mind her smell because of the pheromones... I have to say I love the smell of my partner's sweat 😂

If she does have sensory issues around washing, it will be a really sensitive matter and won't be solved by pressuring her to wash more.

Not a long term solution, but Wild deodorant is really powerful stuff. It's amazing at eliminating BO, smells lovely and literally lasts for days... It's very expensive but would 100% get rid of any unpleasant smell and wouldn't require more frequent washing.